Im Marrying a Cheater!!!

 

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As a Child I dreamed of this Connection, a love no other seemed to believe in, I would daydream about a connection so deep that you could feel physical manifestations of the other person, I dreamed and dreamed and when I spoke of this great love i was shot down,”your living in a fantasy world”. “there is no such thing, its only in dreams”. So thats where I kept it, in my dreams,,,,,, I married for 13 years, it was a “normal” marriage, I divorced dated, and then 2 years of self discovery ended me up in a new city with a brand new start and a fresh outlook on life, and then,,,,,, it all started.

 

I met him, when I saw him, my heart knew something was different, my soul awakened, my eyes were gazing upon the most beautiful man I have ever seen. We spoke and his voice consumed me, his written words were poetry to my ears. The first time my eyes saw him My heart stopped beating for seconds, I could not breathe, Ill nervier forget the fist sight, he was standing/leaning against the back of his car at a place we had agreed to meet at, he wore business attire which He wore so sexy, he was certainly easy on the eyes, I Immediately felt unworthy, I felt this beautiful man could not be here to meet me, but he was and I was falling all over myself. We talked to get to know one another, and time stood still.

 

Time after time he would call the numbers still are etched in my soul when they would show up on the caller Id, my heart raced, my palms would sweat. He had done something to me, we would make plans to meet, always at my place and I would get so excited, I would make sure to be home earlier to shower and prepare myself for THIS meet may be “the one” because every time we met there was ALOT of kissing and making out, and oh my when we kissed it lasted for hours,and well as ironic as it was HE would not “put out”. He never left me unsatisfied, the passion so strong so amazing so deep, however it seems I was on a “mission”.

 

Let me go back for a second and describe a kiss, a kiss I have written about, and he has written about, a kiss so deep, a kiss that awakened that ‘DREAM” I had kept inside of me, I saw inside of his soul, I saw him and I knew he could see me, I knew he he could see “ME”. That scared the shit out of me, why wouldn’t it, I had lived a very messed up life, I had a lot of skeletons in my closet and this fine specimen of a man had the key to the damn door! Let me explain how that feel for those of you who dont know,,,,Its like a serial killer who had a ton of “evidence” in his house and the police were knocking on the door,,,, That kiss made my heart do flips, made my stomach turn in excitement and fear combined. When he left that day I was glad he was gone but never wanted him to leave.

 

The visits became less and less and my “mission” was not complete,,,, and then i began to put together pieces like a puzzle in my mind. He had asked me not to call him as it was a business phone and he got “charged” for calls. He only ever contacted me during the day “business hours”, we only ever met during the day, and his e mails were mostly his writings, writings of sexual nature, fantasies he had in his head, stories of passion and lust and love at first I felt as if he had just copied and pasted them but later I knew they were his writings. I sat in a sinking feeling,,,, he MUST be married.

 

He called for a “visit” and what some would call a “booty call” but i wasn’t getting any “booty”, but THIS was the visit I was going to complete my “mission”, This man who had such a great impact on my soul, I knew was “shady” I know was lying, I had to put my DREAM, back inside of myself, lock it back up and just complete my mission,,,,,, always wondering WHY he would not go all of the way with me? Was i not good enough? Was I not sexy enough? Was I not worthy? Did he have a disease? Did he promise himself he would “play around” but never really go all of the way out of respect for his wife IF he had one? WHY???  What was the problem,,,, I asked him in an e mail, Are you HIV Positive? he laughed and said no im not, I have a clean bill of health,,, so the mission was reinstated,,,, and the visit came and through some really tough persuasion HE gave in to my “persuasion” and mission accomplished. When he was about to leave I looked into his eyes, something was different, something had changed in him, he left and I knew at that moment I would not be hearing back from him. I went on with my life so I thought, there were times I missed him, when the phone rang I would hope, I checked my e mail,, nothing, The only breakdown I had was one fall day,,September 26th 2005,

 

I had confronted him in e mail about his lies,days before, explaining to him what i saw,,, all the signs of a married man,,,,his response was another “fantasy” written out, he avoided my comments and my questions, he was exposed so divert my attention he “thought” he would grab my attention with another writing, I was livid, i was angry, I was hurt and I drove, I drove out to a place very special to me, a Big deck over a lake in a State park, a Deck my Grandpa and my Father had a part in building as a “Community service” project. I went out there often, and although it had been rebuilt a couple of times since then I still feel the craftsmanship my Grandfather put into everything he did. I got there, the wind was chilly, it was almost dark, I listened to the squirrels run around in the leaves, I saw a rabbit, I was a fish jump in the water and I began to cry, I began to scream out loud,,,, WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME? WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFERENT? WHY CANT I STOP FEELING YOU?? WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DID YOU COME INTO MY LIFE? I HAVE HAD ENOUGH HURT I DONT NEED YOURS!!! IF YOU CAN FEEL ME STOP LYING TO ME AND COME TO ME,,, EXPLAIN THIS FEELING I HAVE EXPLAIN WHY I CAN SEE INSIDE OF YOU!!!  COME BACK TO ME SO WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT,,,,,  CAN YOU HEAR ME,,,,, I screamed until my throat hurt and I felt as if my tears would flood the lake, I watched as they hit the water down below and I felt as if I was fighting a losing battle, The Universe had played a very bad trick on me.

 

From that moment on everything with his was a game to me, I just knew he was different, the way he touched me, the way he spoke to me, they way he looked at me, the way we connected.

I had to let it go, I had to put this awakening feeling back inside of me, and I did, and i eventually went on with my life and I was right that was the last time I saw him, The time I was able to “complete mission”.The e mails got fewer and fewer. I did not need all that in my life, I met someone else and got engaged, and then out of nowhere a YEAR later a message,,,,A simple how are you doing message and then come everything flooding inside of me,,,HOWEVER  attached with those feelings were hurt and doubt, and A lot of doubt inside of me,,, wait if I can still have “these” kinds of feelings for someone else how could I marry someone? I was a mess inside and it was really all his fault!! Why did he come back into my life?

 

For months we met and talked and time stood still, but this was different as I was on a path of self destruction, it was me against everyone who had ever hurt me, and I grew into something just as bad as I felt he was, He was trying to stand in his truth, trying I say because he was not but I was getting answers, and I loved being in his presence It awakened me further, and the darkness got deeper as I knew he could see me so I had to find deeper places to hide it. I found out that my suspicions were warranted,he was married, however he had not lived with his wife for years, but had lived with someone else for nearly 9 years, so he had a wife AND a live in girlfriend, funny thing though he was still sleeping with his wife,and was lying to her and telling her he loved her and she had hung on for him all those years, all the while living another life with someone else,, and me well I was only one of MANY, he had on the side of his wife and live in girlfriend,in my eyes at that time he was a gorgeous, sexy, womanizing player! But I loved him, however so did many others, I found out he was sending them all the same “fantasies” all the same deep writings, all the ‘lines” only 1 thing was different,,, He would not be intimate with me in entirety. He was living out fantasy in each and every  woman he was with looking for different pieces of his puzzle, looking for something different in each one, he was looking for “himself”. He was hurting so many, and the big picture was the hurt he was doing to himself,,,

I watched him go through a change so deep, I watched as he confessed everything to me, I let him cry, I loved this man, I realized at this moment I was deep in love with him, but my mind would tell me over and over there was ALOT of women in love with this man! All I could do was be his friend, and go on with my life, so I was his friend and i stayed his friend as I watched him cry and confess and do it again to another woman and again to another one, and I watched as he witnessed me “feeling” his pain, I watched him and loved him as his wounds were deep, and his change was hard, he was lost. I knew I could never be with him really,,,Once a Cheater always a Cheater right??? We would confess our love for one another and we would in turn hurt one another.

 

I knew I could never really “be” with a man like this, I could never trust him, I cold never believe in him, again once a Cheater,,,,I married and it was a lie, I was not in love with him, I loved him, But I was not in love with him, I did it out of hurt,I just wanted to be loved and be the “only” one in someones life, and I knew I would have this from this man, I didn’t want to live a life of non trust, already we were connected though I could not deny that, however he would confess his love for me and the same night I could FEEL him with someone else. The Pain was hard to handle, it was unbearable, So perhaps marrying someone else was a way to throw that pain back at him, In turn I realize I was hurting a lot of people as well, I had become him, he just didn’t know it!

 

My Marriage was a mess, no wonder, I was in love with someone else and we communicated daily, We remained friends, as my marriage fell apart, In a night of hurt and to much alcohol I slept with my husband who I was already estranged from, and we conceived,,, I met with my friend and he is the one who told me i was pregnant he could see it in me. It was true, So I was living a lie with a man who I was about to have a child with, and he was still sleeping with others, still lying to his wife, and his live in girlfriend. At one point he had told me to just “come on” just come and be with him and he would raise my child as his own and we would just be in love,,, I thought about it over and over and after an argument with my husband I left and went to him, when i got to his home before I got to the door, I saw in the window and he was in an embrace with his girlfriend and they kissed, i never knocked i went him to my husband, it was what it was, we loved one another deeply but the hurt was to much, but I TRUSTED my husband and I needed that !

 

My friend and I barely spoke during my pregnancy we e mailed a bit and spoke on messenger a bit, but the communication was no where near as before,, He sent my son a gift in the mail and

we just remained friends,,,and just as fast as communication diminished it picked backup again, only this time it was a bit different he was different and I could see something about to happen, I wasn’t sure what. We met and we were “together” only this time beautiful and it was life changing and I knew he was someone I could never be without even if not physically, we were spiritually connected, we loved one another and it was evident.

 

 

We got closer and closer and I knew he was still lying and seeing others, this player was good, I had dealt with a “couple” of the women he hurt and they told me the same stories, “he said that to me too, yes he told me that too!”  uggg this man was toxic!!  and then,,,His mother was found very ill, and I watched him as he lost his mother, it was a very painful time for him, I just remained his friend, I went to the service, sat in the very back row, I just wanted him to know  I was there for him, I didn’t stick around, I left directly after. I saw him the next week and I saw something in him I had not seen before, It was different ! He cried to me, he broke down and the next few months were hell. i watched him die, I watched him split, I watched him fight and struggle, he was honest with his girlfriend who had since moved out, he actually told her he was deeply in love with me and he was direct.

 

He then went through something really really amazingly painful but so beautiful! He was honest with his wife and he started the process of divorce, my husband had long since moved out and finally just simply asked me “why aren’t you with him?” Did I mention my ex husband is a great man? SO we did it we made a go of it but did I trust him?? HELL NO!  when he stated he was in a meeting I requested a “picture” of this said meeting and he always accommodated and he understood!  What we had not addressed was the skeletons I had in my closet!  at this point he was standing COMPLETELY in his truth,he was COMPLETELY honest with HIMSELF and with me about every aspect of his past and his life.

 

We lived together until MY skeletons began to come out and why would he stay with me after all he had been though why would he stay with me he was honest with me he deserved my honesty and i never gave it to him, we separated and he forgave me and we reconnected and it happened again months later and again he forgave me and we reconnected and again, it happened again and he left me, this time for good, I saw it in him, he tried to connect with someone else as did I, I went through the same pain he went through I had to find myself, I had to fall in love with MYSELF, I had to go not my pain.

 

Now as we are both in our truth from this 9 year Journey,, we have been back out to that deck together numerous times, He proposed to me on that deck, standing in the very same place I was screaming for him at, tears fell from both of our eyes in the same water. I am in love with this amazing man and I get to spend the rest of my life with him, We share EVERYTHING we hide nothing from one another, we share a cell phone, we share emails, we share face books, we are together nearly always and when we are not, those very same butterflies I felt in 2005, i feel today when he calls from the store, when he sends me a message from Face book when im sitting right next to him.

 

I trust this man with everything i have in me, I trust him in every aspect! I trust he will never lie to me, I trust I am and always will be his one and only, I trust everything he Says to me. I believe in him, I believe in the Business we have created out of our story and out of what the universe has asked us to do, I believe in myself, I believe our running and chasing was a lesson and our experiences have already changed lives.

 

I sit in awe of this AMAZINGLY gorgeous man everyday of my life, I watch him walk and I smile I watch him type on the computer and I feel lucky, I watched him sleep just last night and I cried, He really is a genuine person, he’s gorgeous, he’s incredibly sexy, he’s honest, he’s true, he’s loving, he’s romantic, he’s passionate,hes kind, he’s generous, hes giving, he provides for us, he’s a wonderful father, he’s compassionate,and he loves me unconditionally and I love him unconditionally, I love him for what he’s been through, what we have been through, and the universe is now allowing us to teach from it.  The honeymoon stage is never ending, inside of me I still have those “forever” butterflies. The dream inside of me is awake and WE ARE LIVING IT! Relationship Reinvented was born from this connection.

 

The old Quote “Once a cheater always a cheater”  could be true, My cheater, CHEATED CHEATING do you understand that????,By going inside of the root of WHY he was choosing those actions, WHY he was hurting people. He went INSIDE, he in a sense took his own life,HE CHEATED CHEATING! and I have this wonderful man in my life, he is still a cheater, he cheated his pain out of staying alive, he cheated his story out of Defining him, He cheated everyone who knows him out of being able to say, “hes still the same old guy” “believe me he’s still lying and cheating”, anyone who knows him now and knows him then is no longer able to say that because they can see it in him! They can see by his actions and his energy that part of him no longer exists. He has cheated that quote out of being true!!   I was on that deck on September 26th or 2005 screaming for him,,,, and I will be back on that deck September 26th of this year Marrying this Cheater and I am the Luckiest Woman in the World!

I Love You Clark Kent

Love Lois

 

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The Human Condition of connection!

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The Human Condition….

 

It always has been a question of can I be connected to someone who is not who I am.. This comes in the forms of! Can I be connected to someone who is a different color, different religion, the same sex, an opposite eye color, different age, on the other side of the earth, etc…

Why did this happen or was it something you didn’t pose to look at from outside the human condition?

The human condition is to not see from the eyes of what is different from you, but rather experience the vibration and what it wants you to see from without seeing it from the human existence we have been told to see from. Where on earth are we told not to pay attention to our history, our future, never truly directing us to our present moment which is all we have!

If you are to experience this connection without thinking in presence, you would be headed in the right direction. This connection doesn’t see in those ways, it actually sees from beyond it, all deeply within it deeply in this moment!

It has a vibration frequency all it’s own. It knows of itself as the one soul coming back into what split in the way that it did. If you were to see a big huge ball of energy and it split and then one would say go into a rock and the other into a Steel ball. As it would become separate from it’s original source it would still know it is connected to something beyond its new form so to speak.

Yet when it comes into the frequency of itself by seeing each other or being in the same space without time it would know that it was connected directly no matter what the cover or shell looks like.

It happens much like this in what we experience in this world! Connection doesn’t know what it is by what the outside characteristics are, but it does know what it is from the inside. It knows itself. It knows if it comes from the place where it was connected to be one. Notice the word here “One” It is not that it becomes whole without the other, it is whole in any case. The once combined energy or soul knew what it was without any distinction of what it was or is in the now! It knows something more impactful, it knows home!

Home has no dominion and has no need to be explained here. Only it knows itself and is most in it’s depth of inner peace which needs no expression. The emotional response is the human condition which is able to elect unconditional peace without the human condition attached.
So if you are in question of what you are in connection, don’t go into the condition of human, go into the unconditional truth of knowing. This is what the unknown traveller (soul spark) in it calls to within you. The knower in you knows that you are to experience the human condition, yet it doesn’t need to make it the soul truth of knowing. Your knower knows this more so when you go into your knowing knows this! Due to the worldly human condition we experience that makes us so justified in judgment of what we are in human, the souls only presence is to be silent until we all see into our truth the gravitational pull to know within our knower is this has never had anything to do with anything being different, whether in sight, smell, taste, touch, hear and mainly your six sense of knowing! Enduring the challenges of mind interacting with mind and how it spawned ego to keep us chasing a dream state that says we can be connected. You are connected in your truth. Which if you have been on this site and gone into’s it’s depth you have found not just your truth which this was placed here for you to find. It was placed here to point you deeper into your knowing.

So can your twin flame, your soul mate, or any other measurement in connection be something of someone different! Of course the vibration itself is the answer not what your mind makes of it, but how it awakens the traveller within you in knowing to seek deep inside yourself to place you in standing in your truth.

Love deeply,

Your soul!

Can you shut off your emotions?

Do you have a switch and wonder how you can shut off your emotions!

i ignore it

Take a look here!
https://plus.google.com/u/0/events/c8152s2jsos2g6r5vf7lqo5278g

Healing Series: June Month of Love!

Love what is it?
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Many of things have been written on this topic and what it means in truth. We have spent many of existences trying to signify what this ability is. When we love, we do this from a place inside that says we are something more!

Some love in material, some love in physical, and some are just not sure how to access love in the way it doesn’t have conditions.

The more pure love is without conditions the more powerful it can be to give it not just to others but to oneself. What are conditions to love, it is the thinking that infects it. examples of this are;

I love you but,
I love you and,
I love you except,
I love you yet I can’t,

All love of self, whether just being, (being meaning inside yourself) which is primary in self love, means not seeking the love in yourself in the mind. In the mind you will have thinking of past, future, right or wrong, statements of self that are illusionary at best.

Why does the mind need to be involved here and what if it is? This can be a story we say inside the mind, inside the body, a story that has a good or bad narrative. This story has such a way of infecting us in the mind and not seeking the truth about the love we are regardless. If you are reading this, and you can suddenly feel your heartbeat, then realize you are connected to love in such a way, that no story, no matter of thinking can say you are not love. Your heartbeats in sync with the person sitting next to you in school, work, or other.

The difference in all love is the story we tell ourselves about love. I was infected by the story and the story teller did such a narrative that made it possible for me to ignore the truth about all things love and also gave me a reason to think my love was tainted and a mess. All love is messy in this way. We see each other and don’t see the love, we see the physical manifestations of love but the illusions created by the story we have keep us from the depth this love can give us.

It matters not what you do with your story as far as love is concerned. Some of the most powerful moments in love have no mind regardless of what the mind will tell you. Just a simple embrace of the arms around you. The holding of ones hand, the soft touch of the jawline or even my dear favorite that my mother used to do rub my head. I know sounds kind of like a dog but as we are shown affections in love growing up we seek those that will give us these same affections as a matter of trust and of love. My mother was also very prominent of looking into our eyes to see if we were in there. At least that is what I remember from way back when.

In moments of the now, I miss those times, I know that my energy becomes almost sad as I wish I would feel those moments again, as they rarely happened to me as I got older. Yet it seemed to get my attention outside of my story as they did. I suffered a lot in my story, not feeling good enough, not feeling deserving of that kind of affection. This love was left empty and my material way of love became more of what I was seeking. For they did teach me how to be a provider and not asking or speaking about what I truly needed and wanted feel inside the story of I don’t deserve it, I am not good enough to receive that from anyone. Yes this story has such a way of showing itself to the world inside of me.

I do get to experience it when I go inside and keep my eyes closed and I can feel the love she knows she gave me and I know I experienced.

We have a choice to see the conditions we have on love, whether it could be that someone in pain caused us pain, and then we point at them and make them out to be the martyr. Yet what we do have is a choice. The choice to love them anyway and stay out of harms way for them to keep hurting us and only be there when they see they are hurting themselves in their actions and inside of their story.

If you are in love with yourself do you see the conditions you have in yourself that need to be removed? Can you see the truth of what would happen if you removed them? How deep would you love if you made this one condition on love which is to have no conditions to truly experience how beautiful you are to experience it?

If you were to lose all material in this moment, what would you give to show your love to yourself?

Love is not just a way of being, it is truly the ability to let go!

Love deeply,

Clark

Healing Series May: Fear as an addiction!

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We all reach a place where we wonder will everything turn out alright, will this all be a mistake if I choose to go this direction. What if I become something I don’t want to be. The truth about fear is, it is paralyzing and keeps you from the moment where everything is as it is. I remember the fear I had when I started writing all those years ago, not sure if what I was even writing made sense, or even what I was saying, did it truly touch anyone? I know what I felt inside and it was trying to make me see a past or future where the thought process was only going to give me one failed result. Failure!

It wasn’t until I stopped writing, for what I dreamed, and started writing from what I could feel. I had to make sense of it somehow. I guess it was my true source of healing. Yet what was left was the fear. It always seems that when I say or write anything I feel a sadness lurk about inside that says no one gets it, no one understands. Yet here I am doing this same ole thing again. Wondering if I made the right choice, or am I doing the right thing.

I had so much to heal then, as I still do now, I found out the truth about healing, it can creep up on moments we are in fear or when we just don’t know why we are even speaking anymore. Anticipation of what is to come of what has been left here for family, friends, stumblers and the like. I only know that one day it will be gone into and something more powerful will arise from the fear that enabled me to stand there in silence but found a way to write it here for others to see they are not alone.

The fear of someone thinking your are crazy, that you have lost your marbles. This judgement that we do to ourselves always gives our fear it’s greatest strength. It blocks us in the midnight hour keeping us awake to play mental movies of the pain we see coming our way not even seeing the pain is there with us in that moment.

The energy of fear is strong enough to help us keep the lies we tell ourselves inside alive. The alive creates a persona we keep and find a distinct role in playing this out. Keeping our love hidden inside, fighting our hidden screams in terror knowing that we can’t find all the missing pieces of the puzzle to find out what this all means. We never put ourselves in the puzzle we are not seeing the edges of how we fit into the puzzle so we don’t put ourselves in it.

When she kept convincing me to speak from this ancient soul of mine, I had a ton of fear! Actually still do, for I can always feel no one is listening but they can feel me and what I am saying. They have this space inside to. The one the fear stays in control of and keeps the ego running or chasing it’s tail not seeing why when they go a different direction that darned tail keeps getting away from them.

Fear has a lot to do with acceptance, what we can’t accept we fear, what we do accept well there is a certain amount of fear with it to. Something that seems on the inside we will suffer from in any form of acceptance.

For years and years I ran from myself for I had to much fear to face myself, to see myself as everyone else did. I was by far the worse fear happening to myself. My choices, my challenges. Yet it also seemed that after I became more aware of energy the fear was then utilized to look even deeper to myself that ever before. Fear is what showed me that what I couldn’t love about myself I couldn’t let others love about me. This was mind blowing but also very real. I realized I was only going to be as strong as my own fear. That fear was mine to do something with or I was going to lose what mattered most at that time. Myself!

The truth about fear is that it doesn’t have any real truth. Nothing tangible anyway just a thought process that calls to self annihilation.

Next time you feel fear ask it what it wants from you, if it tries to take you from the present moment realize that it is only the illusion of pain that you already have somewhere inside and hold yourself through it. Never let it tell you what others think, never let it tell you that you are not love, and mostly never let it keep you in a cycle of thought to make you lose what matters most! The deep love you have for yourself.

Remember fear is love inside of it, it makes you feel the threat of love being taken away somehow. It just isn’t true you can’t take away something you are! You are love dear soul!

Love deeply,

Clark

Healing series wrap up April: Truth in being

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Healing series wrap up: Truth in being!
When we have lived our lives full of lies, not the lies we tell other people but the lies we endure inside the self. That space inside the mind that says I am not able to be loved, I am not able to get through this, I am lost to this and this has such a pain in it no one will love me for it. I know what I felt inside me the day this was very present in me. I remember feeling the lost feeling, and there inside me was this great pain.

I knew that I had to stand in it now, there was no turning back and the lies that my pain had surrounding it gave me no more purpose! No more reason to run, no more reason to hide, no more reason to chase! I could feel it and know that it was going to destroy me, and what I had created inside myself to keep me from this very deep pain I had to embrace. There was no more Mother’s arms to run into because of the pain. It was gone! My beliefs as few as they had been branded from when she left this world were very much another new form of lying I had that gave me truth but no comfort in the truth. I was uncomfortable and what was put together now was shattered. The year prior in my attempt to take my own life wasn’t without this moment. I was now faced with not being the man she was ever going to get to see in this world. And the uncomfortable experience I was left with was the conditions that I hurt from. This shattering was the egos final attempt in breaking every template I could access to find a true love I could live with not even seeing what was left when this was finding it’s path to me.
Flash back to November 5, 2008 6:47 a.m.

That morning the pain was unbearable I woke and could feel something was different, It was the first time that I channeled and knew I was channeling something that was not of this world. I knew she was gone, the energy came and told me what I was to bring here now. The templates were no longer something I could access, only the truth.

The truth of how painful this was is all I can share with you and hopefully bring you to the place this shattering did to me and my lies.

The template of the vessel is a recorded function of what we are in love, never are you not this love, and as you create ego the vessel endures it’s mission.

As I now was faced with the loss of the unconditional love that I thought would always be there in my existence in the physical. My mothers voice came through during her attack as her final moments came to a few breathes of air she would take to send to me in energy. This vibration took me out of my mind and showed me through her eyes who I could be if I broke the conditions I had on myself to be the shining light of truth that the world will .

As these moments came such a vault door was being spun then opened and I could hear it opening to release me from the inside. I could see the mess I made of my existence and could see the beauty in the choices I made and the ultimate disaster it was that I had to embrace because I was still looking for ways to be ok with this.

The truth….

The truth was that I was always in pain, not just because of the things that my life situation gave me, but because I could see the pain of everyone around me and realize it was only a mirror that I was within myself. I was lost in what it was trying to show me all along. I manipulated pain to keep myself unconscious without even seeing, that this was all my own doing.

Wishing I was never born! A lie I made up when I was 5, when I got a spanking for breaking something I didn’t mean to break.

Thinking I was stupid cause when I looked at the math problem at 8 years old that I got smacked upside the head and told myself I had an empty brain.

I was allowed to cheat because my first girlfriend cheated and on me and with my parents both doing it I was now going to because it was inevitable, I was never going to have the love of someone who wouldn’t cheat!

I was a cheater because I always was able to do what I was doing to feel a glimpse of love that covered all the other lies I had inside myself because I just wasn’t good enough.

I wasn’t a boy anyone could love because even my own birth father couldn’t stay because of me, because I was always breaking things and not smart enough, I was a failure he didn’t want to see grow up and become a bigger failure! In my mind was that I was just a punishment sent here to torture my father and my mother. I knew nothing else but to be bad, run from pain and make horrible choices! Till I found the root of this way of being>>>>>>>>

 

I was unloved by myself, for myself.
RED ALERT Message: Condition Found!

That day was my true rebirth! I felt my mothers hands come from a space of no longer here and pull this out of me and had me look at it. I felt this and after writing I went back to bed. My brother came to my room about 11 a.m. and said he was going to work but would stop to check on our mother. I didn’t get up and go, I should have for the next 3 days our lives were going to go into a darkness I never imagined.

He found her… she was barely alive, but not! She left this world off a machine 3 days later!

We have such a truth to discover as we do our work. The healing to find the condition we placed on ourselves gives us every right to hurt inside and then seeking salvation outside for someone to take this away from us. Your light can give you the truth if you allow it! We never go into see where to let go of the single most powerful emotional energy we have inside that the ego uses in every case the inner child that endured it all and waited for you to go back to the truth to reset.

As I went inside this root my mother was there holding the broken me and she held out her hand and pulled me into myself to show me that even though she was gone she will never be gone. I was free of what I wasn’t no more!

Coming out of this because the space of letting go of all that was not me. The love I had now had to be the only feeling I could have to embrace me without thinking. Any thoughts needed to be removed from what that love was, and what it was trying to give me no matter how deep the pain was.

The dreams became stronger and the depth of the ocean was showing me in my dreams what I was in the truth in stillness and what everyone else was as well!

The truth needs to be revealed to you, it isn’t a cruel world just your sight of what you are and won’t be accepted for needs to be gone into.

Heal your depth in truth for it is there to set you free!

Justin T. THANK YOU FOR THIS SONG! NOW I KNOW WHY IT KEEPS FINDING ME!

Love deeply,
Clark

Healing series 2014 May: the fear be with you!

What is fear?

fear
At some point in our lives we all experience it. Our heart beats faster; we find it hard to breathe; the muscles in our body tense; our brain seems to shut everything else out and the focus shifts to the terror that has changed us emotionally and physically. We are experiencing fear.
So why does fear exist and do we have power over it? Fear according to researchers evolved in all animal species as a defense mechanism. It is a way for the brain to change the body chemistry so that future dangerous situations will create a stimulus, serving as an early warning system. This gives us an ability to determine a course of action that will increase our chance of survival. The chemical response in some cases is so strong it can cause physical and emotional paralysis and impede us from helping ourselves! When that paralysis is not experienced, the body then faces the fight or flight response in defense.
Some fear is healthy, being afraid of bodily harm from a potential attacker for example. Some fear is destructive and damaging, like feeling we cannot be honest with our partners for fear of judgment or ridicule. When we feel fear we need to remember that it’s a call to action. Unlike other animals we are able to choose how we respond to those feelings of dread.
In 3rd grade I was bullied and picked on by bigger kids, and my instinct was to fight. Eventually I was expelled from school and my father began spanking me with a belt as punishment. This punishment taught me to fear his spanking more than the bullies’ beatings. For the rest of my youth I backed down from every altercation. I did nothing to defend myself from the beatings of my peers; allowing them to label me a coward and hopefully leave me alone. I grew up in a very tough area so I got beat a lot. Today I am 44 years old and I have no memory of the physical pain I endured from those beatings, but the pain of not defending myself, of feeling like a coward–that pain lived inside me for so long that I can still feel the shame today if I allow it. When I was 18 I no longer had to fear my father’s punishments for defending myself and I began to stand up for myself again. This did not stop me from getting bullied on occasion, but interestingly enough I don’t remember an ounce of the physical pain; all my mind can recall is the humiliation of a loss, that helpless feeling of not being able to defend myself, that fear that someone else had gotten the better of me.
As I got older I began to read self-help books and to study why I and others thought and acted the way we did. In one of the books I was reading I came across one of the most profound thoughts ever, an acronym that defined what fear really was. The acronym was False Evidence Appearing Real. When I read that it instantly spoke to me. Whether an aggressively intimidating person, an inescapable, unpleasant situation, or a dreaded decision needing to be made, the feeling in all these situations was the same: fear. I finally realized that no matter what the evidence was I was selecting the meaning of it and assuming the worst case scenario. It reminded me of when I was little and I lied to stop my dad from spanking me. The reality was that I lied out of fear; but my punishment never turned out to be as bad as I had assumed it would.
This realization gave me one of the most effective tools for change and success in my life, I understood that only I could determine what had power over me, only I could assume what the consequences where going to be, only I could determine if fear would empower me to act in my defense or paralyze and control me.
Fear is real and it can be a healthy emotion, but do yourself a favor and remember that it’s only a call to action. Your choice is Fight or flight, and sometimes flight is necessary, but too often flight is chosen as the easy way out. As a former coward I can attest that it is easier to run away than it is to stand and fight for yourself. I can say with authority that just because you successfully ran away from your fear, you have not escaped it. Often times the long term damage you will cause by not standing up for yourself, your ideals, the truth, will be very difficult to heal from, because you will know that the fear conquered you.
Today you can make the decision that fear won’t stop you from telling the truth; it won’t stop you expressing your love for someone; and it can’t prevent you from standing up for yourself. Today if you’re feeling fear answer that call to action, and let fear know you’re back in charge of your life.

 

 

J.Austin.Ward
Email: j.austin.ward@gmail.com
Follow on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Personal-Empowerment-And-Relationship-Coaching-PEAR/749287711768150

Take a listen this was powerful as Josh and Lee discuss truth and how it is with fear!

 

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/relationship-reinvented/2014/05/05/relationship-reinvented-2014-healing-series