Im Marrying a Cheater!!!

 

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As a Child I dreamed of this Connection, a love no other seemed to believe in, I would daydream about a connection so deep that you could feel physical manifestations of the other person, I dreamed and dreamed and when I spoke of this great love i was shot down,”your living in a fantasy world”. “there is no such thing, its only in dreams”. So thats where I kept it, in my dreams,,,,,, I married for 13 years, it was a “normal” marriage, I divorced dated, and then 2 years of self discovery ended me up in a new city with a brand new start and a fresh outlook on life, and then,,,,,, it all started.

 

I met him, when I saw him, my heart knew something was different, my soul awakened, my eyes were gazing upon the most beautiful man I have ever seen. We spoke and his voice consumed me, his written words were poetry to my ears. The first time my eyes saw him My heart stopped beating for seconds, I could not breathe, Ill nervier forget the fist sight, he was standing/leaning against the back of his car at a place we had agreed to meet at, he wore business attire which He wore so sexy, he was certainly easy on the eyes, I Immediately felt unworthy, I felt this beautiful man could not be here to meet me, but he was and I was falling all over myself. We talked to get to know one another, and time stood still.

 

Time after time he would call the numbers still are etched in my soul when they would show up on the caller Id, my heart raced, my palms would sweat. He had done something to me, we would make plans to meet, always at my place and I would get so excited, I would make sure to be home earlier to shower and prepare myself for THIS meet may be “the one” because every time we met there was ALOT of kissing and making out, and oh my when we kissed it lasted for hours,and well as ironic as it was HE would not “put out”. He never left me unsatisfied, the passion so strong so amazing so deep, however it seems I was on a “mission”.

 

Let me go back for a second and describe a kiss, a kiss I have written about, and he has written about, a kiss so deep, a kiss that awakened that ‘DREAM” I had kept inside of me, I saw inside of his soul, I saw him and I knew he could see me, I knew he he could see “ME”. That scared the shit out of me, why wouldn’t it, I had lived a very messed up life, I had a lot of skeletons in my closet and this fine specimen of a man had the key to the damn door! Let me explain how that feel for those of you who dont know,,,,Its like a serial killer who had a ton of “evidence” in his house and the police were knocking on the door,,,, That kiss made my heart do flips, made my stomach turn in excitement and fear combined. When he left that day I was glad he was gone but never wanted him to leave.

 

The visits became less and less and my “mission” was not complete,,,, and then i began to put together pieces like a puzzle in my mind. He had asked me not to call him as it was a business phone and he got “charged” for calls. He only ever contacted me during the day “business hours”, we only ever met during the day, and his e mails were mostly his writings, writings of sexual nature, fantasies he had in his head, stories of passion and lust and love at first I felt as if he had just copied and pasted them but later I knew they were his writings. I sat in a sinking feeling,,,, he MUST be married.

 

He called for a “visit” and what some would call a “booty call” but i wasn’t getting any “booty”, but THIS was the visit I was going to complete my “mission”, This man who had such a great impact on my soul, I knew was “shady” I know was lying, I had to put my DREAM, back inside of myself, lock it back up and just complete my mission,,,,,, always wondering WHY he would not go all of the way with me? Was i not good enough? Was I not sexy enough? Was I not worthy? Did he have a disease? Did he promise himself he would “play around” but never really go all of the way out of respect for his wife IF he had one? WHY???  What was the problem,,,, I asked him in an e mail, Are you HIV Positive? he laughed and said no im not, I have a clean bill of health,,, so the mission was reinstated,,,, and the visit came and through some really tough persuasion HE gave in to my “persuasion” and mission accomplished. When he was about to leave I looked into his eyes, something was different, something had changed in him, he left and I knew at that moment I would not be hearing back from him. I went on with my life so I thought, there were times I missed him, when the phone rang I would hope, I checked my e mail,, nothing, The only breakdown I had was one fall day,,September 26th 2005,

 

I had confronted him in e mail about his lies,days before, explaining to him what i saw,,, all the signs of a married man,,,,his response was another “fantasy” written out, he avoided my comments and my questions, he was exposed so divert my attention he “thought” he would grab my attention with another writing, I was livid, i was angry, I was hurt and I drove, I drove out to a place very special to me, a Big deck over a lake in a State park, a Deck my Grandpa and my Father had a part in building as a “Community service” project. I went out there often, and although it had been rebuilt a couple of times since then I still feel the craftsmanship my Grandfather put into everything he did. I got there, the wind was chilly, it was almost dark, I listened to the squirrels run around in the leaves, I saw a rabbit, I was a fish jump in the water and I began to cry, I began to scream out loud,,,, WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME? WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFERENT? WHY CANT I STOP FEELING YOU?? WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DID YOU COME INTO MY LIFE? I HAVE HAD ENOUGH HURT I DONT NEED YOURS!!! IF YOU CAN FEEL ME STOP LYING TO ME AND COME TO ME,,, EXPLAIN THIS FEELING I HAVE EXPLAIN WHY I CAN SEE INSIDE OF YOU!!!  COME BACK TO ME SO WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT,,,,,  CAN YOU HEAR ME,,,,, I screamed until my throat hurt and I felt as if my tears would flood the lake, I watched as they hit the water down below and I felt as if I was fighting a losing battle, The Universe had played a very bad trick on me.

 

From that moment on everything with his was a game to me, I just knew he was different, the way he touched me, the way he spoke to me, they way he looked at me, the way we connected.

I had to let it go, I had to put this awakening feeling back inside of me, and I did, and i eventually went on with my life and I was right that was the last time I saw him, The time I was able to “complete mission”.The e mails got fewer and fewer. I did not need all that in my life, I met someone else and got engaged, and then out of nowhere a YEAR later a message,,,,A simple how are you doing message and then come everything flooding inside of me,,,HOWEVER  attached with those feelings were hurt and doubt, and A lot of doubt inside of me,,, wait if I can still have “these” kinds of feelings for someone else how could I marry someone? I was a mess inside and it was really all his fault!! Why did he come back into my life?

 

For months we met and talked and time stood still, but this was different as I was on a path of self destruction, it was me against everyone who had ever hurt me, and I grew into something just as bad as I felt he was, He was trying to stand in his truth, trying I say because he was not but I was getting answers, and I loved being in his presence It awakened me further, and the darkness got deeper as I knew he could see me so I had to find deeper places to hide it. I found out that my suspicions were warranted,he was married, however he had not lived with his wife for years, but had lived with someone else for nearly 9 years, so he had a wife AND a live in girlfriend, funny thing though he was still sleeping with his wife,and was lying to her and telling her he loved her and she had hung on for him all those years, all the while living another life with someone else,, and me well I was only one of MANY, he had on the side of his wife and live in girlfriend,in my eyes at that time he was a gorgeous, sexy, womanizing player! But I loved him, however so did many others, I found out he was sending them all the same “fantasies” all the same deep writings, all the ‘lines” only 1 thing was different,,, He would not be intimate with me in entirety. He was living out fantasy in each and every  woman he was with looking for different pieces of his puzzle, looking for something different in each one, he was looking for “himself”. He was hurting so many, and the big picture was the hurt he was doing to himself,,,

I watched him go through a change so deep, I watched as he confessed everything to me, I let him cry, I loved this man, I realized at this moment I was deep in love with him, but my mind would tell me over and over there was ALOT of women in love with this man! All I could do was be his friend, and go on with my life, so I was his friend and i stayed his friend as I watched him cry and confess and do it again to another woman and again to another one, and I watched as he witnessed me “feeling” his pain, I watched him and loved him as his wounds were deep, and his change was hard, he was lost. I knew I could never be with him really,,,Once a Cheater always a Cheater right??? We would confess our love for one another and we would in turn hurt one another.

 

I knew I could never really “be” with a man like this, I could never trust him, I cold never believe in him, again once a Cheater,,,,I married and it was a lie, I was not in love with him, I loved him, But I was not in love with him, I did it out of hurt,I just wanted to be loved and be the “only” one in someones life, and I knew I would have this from this man, I didn’t want to live a life of non trust, already we were connected though I could not deny that, however he would confess his love for me and the same night I could FEEL him with someone else. The Pain was hard to handle, it was unbearable, So perhaps marrying someone else was a way to throw that pain back at him, In turn I realize I was hurting a lot of people as well, I had become him, he just didn’t know it!

 

My Marriage was a mess, no wonder, I was in love with someone else and we communicated daily, We remained friends, as my marriage fell apart, In a night of hurt and to much alcohol I slept with my husband who I was already estranged from, and we conceived,,, I met with my friend and he is the one who told me i was pregnant he could see it in me. It was true, So I was living a lie with a man who I was about to have a child with, and he was still sleeping with others, still lying to his wife, and his live in girlfriend. At one point he had told me to just “come on” just come and be with him and he would raise my child as his own and we would just be in love,,, I thought about it over and over and after an argument with my husband I left and went to him, when i got to his home before I got to the door, I saw in the window and he was in an embrace with his girlfriend and they kissed, i never knocked i went him to my husband, it was what it was, we loved one another deeply but the hurt was to much, but I TRUSTED my husband and I needed that !

 

My friend and I barely spoke during my pregnancy we e mailed a bit and spoke on messenger a bit, but the communication was no where near as before,, He sent my son a gift in the mail and

we just remained friends,,,and just as fast as communication diminished it picked backup again, only this time it was a bit different he was different and I could see something about to happen, I wasn’t sure what. We met and we were “together” only this time beautiful and it was life changing and I knew he was someone I could never be without even if not physically, we were spiritually connected, we loved one another and it was evident.

 

 

We got closer and closer and I knew he was still lying and seeing others, this player was good, I had dealt with a “couple” of the women he hurt and they told me the same stories, “he said that to me too, yes he told me that too!”  uggg this man was toxic!!  and then,,,His mother was found very ill, and I watched him as he lost his mother, it was a very painful time for him, I just remained his friend, I went to the service, sat in the very back row, I just wanted him to know  I was there for him, I didn’t stick around, I left directly after. I saw him the next week and I saw something in him I had not seen before, It was different ! He cried to me, he broke down and the next few months were hell. i watched him die, I watched him split, I watched him fight and struggle, he was honest with his girlfriend who had since moved out, he actually told her he was deeply in love with me and he was direct.

 

He then went through something really really amazingly painful but so beautiful! He was honest with his wife and he started the process of divorce, my husband had long since moved out and finally just simply asked me “why aren’t you with him?” Did I mention my ex husband is a great man? SO we did it we made a go of it but did I trust him?? HELL NO!  when he stated he was in a meeting I requested a “picture” of this said meeting and he always accommodated and he understood!  What we had not addressed was the skeletons I had in my closet!  at this point he was standing COMPLETELY in his truth,he was COMPLETELY honest with HIMSELF and with me about every aspect of his past and his life.

 

We lived together until MY skeletons began to come out and why would he stay with me after all he had been though why would he stay with me he was honest with me he deserved my honesty and i never gave it to him, we separated and he forgave me and we reconnected and it happened again months later and again he forgave me and we reconnected and again, it happened again and he left me, this time for good, I saw it in him, he tried to connect with someone else as did I, I went through the same pain he went through I had to find myself, I had to fall in love with MYSELF, I had to go not my pain.

 

Now as we are both in our truth from this 9 year Journey,, we have been back out to that deck together numerous times, He proposed to me on that deck, standing in the very same place I was screaming for him at, tears fell from both of our eyes in the same water. I am in love with this amazing man and I get to spend the rest of my life with him, We share EVERYTHING we hide nothing from one another, we share a cell phone, we share emails, we share face books, we are together nearly always and when we are not, those very same butterflies I felt in 2005, i feel today when he calls from the store, when he sends me a message from Face book when im sitting right next to him.

 

I trust this man with everything i have in me, I trust him in every aspect! I trust he will never lie to me, I trust I am and always will be his one and only, I trust everything he Says to me. I believe in him, I believe in the Business we have created out of our story and out of what the universe has asked us to do, I believe in myself, I believe our running and chasing was a lesson and our experiences have already changed lives.

 

I sit in awe of this AMAZINGLY gorgeous man everyday of my life, I watch him walk and I smile I watch him type on the computer and I feel lucky, I watched him sleep just last night and I cried, He really is a genuine person, he’s gorgeous, he’s incredibly sexy, he’s honest, he’s true, he’s loving, he’s romantic, he’s passionate,hes kind, he’s generous, hes giving, he provides for us, he’s a wonderful father, he’s compassionate,and he loves me unconditionally and I love him unconditionally, I love him for what he’s been through, what we have been through, and the universe is now allowing us to teach from it.  The honeymoon stage is never ending, inside of me I still have those “forever” butterflies. The dream inside of me is awake and WE ARE LIVING IT! Relationship Reinvented was born from this connection.

 

The old Quote “Once a cheater always a cheater”  could be true, My cheater, CHEATED CHEATING do you understand that????,By going inside of the root of WHY he was choosing those actions, WHY he was hurting people. He went INSIDE, he in a sense took his own life,HE CHEATED CHEATING! and I have this wonderful man in my life, he is still a cheater, he cheated his pain out of staying alive, he cheated his story out of Defining him, He cheated everyone who knows him out of being able to say, “hes still the same old guy” “believe me he’s still lying and cheating”, anyone who knows him now and knows him then is no longer able to say that because they can see it in him! They can see by his actions and his energy that part of him no longer exists. He has cheated that quote out of being true!!   I was on that deck on September 26th or 2005 screaming for him,,,, and I will be back on that deck September 26th of this year Marrying this Cheater and I am the Luckiest Woman in the World!

I Love You Clark Kent

Love Lois

 

Before you Attack your Partner Look inside yourself!

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Doesn’t it seem like when you lay down to go to sleep IF you have mind noise that mind noise continues inside of you one way or another into the next day which is supposed to be NEW! Usually I can shut my mind off and count my breaths or listen to my heartbeat whatever way I can usually shut my mind down and fall asleep and journey into someplace the Universe needs me to be. I remember the last “ thought” I had before falling into sleep. “why do I have to breathe in these toxic fumes, I dont smoke, I never have”  and then it began  the journey inside of myself. i have been soulfully conscious of what I put in my body.

 

I say soulfully because I had to soul train my mind because my mind LOVES Cake,  Chocolate Cake, White CAKE well any kind of Cake… CAKE IS DAMN GOOD,,, JUST SAYING.

 

So I had to tell my mind yes mind, your right cake is good,,, but eating the entire cake is not good, you will be permitted to have cake just not the whole damn thing lol. my last Doctors visit was a real pooper, The fact is I am overweight, I feel great because my Soul is Clean, I stand in  my truth at all times, I have nothing hidden, all my dark secrets are out my twin KNOWS who I am, what i stand for he knows all of my truths even the really ugly ones.I realized a long time ago why I carried extra weight, it was for protection, mind noise that no one would want me or try to abuse me as well as physical protection from my secrets, they were buried deep inside of me,,,,All is out now and I simply dont need this protection. Nor do I want IT!

 

This is all just extra I dont need, So I have vowed to get rid of it, and I am, however over the past couple of days I have went over in calories and have not moved as much as I would like so have felt discouraged, and when I get discouraged I like to blame others for my discouragement its just easier that way lol

 

So I noticed everything everyone else was doing wrong, when in reality it was my own self I was disappointed in, I went to bed last night discouraged with ME, I dont enjoy the toxic smoke from cigarettes i am a non smoker however my Twin enjoys it and I love him unconditionally and he’s not a regular smoker he smokes very infrequently, HOWEVER I find that when I dont take as good of care of my self he tends to smoke more,,, sometimes this connection goes so much deeper than the human mind can imagine.

I hurt my body the past two days but not continuing the cycle of “physical healing”. He is Physically ill, I am feeling his pain, he is having some kidney issues and I woke up this morning in pain and I WAS PISSED!  (I suppose it the same type of pissed he feels when he experiences my menstral cramps :).

 

My journey took me inside of me, why I was disappointed in ME, what I had done to get off track, what I could have done different and why I didn’t. There was no blame on anyone else it was ME. I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want that for me, for my kids and for my Twin because I Know he feels it, I want the energy that comes with being healthy, I am on the mission to get it.

 

My mind wanted to blame everyone else for my failures, when in fact I haven’t failed at all, I am still making drastic changes I am still on track when I fall off and consume to many calories thats my fault not anyone else’s. It has nothing and EVERYTHING to do with my twin, does that make sense? It has nothing and everything to do with him. It has everything to do with me, and my mindset and how I see things, It has everything to do with my control of me and how I treat my own body, when I heal so does he, when he heals so do I, When we fall apart physically we have to heal together. When I eat badly he smokes more, when he smokes more I eat badly.

 

To Heal this I have to go inside myself and find out what it is I am doing to not heal. So I wake up from that message filled Journey and I feel refreshed, ready to start a new day, my son woke me up at 8 am, I felt pain in my back, I was happy to take some of my twins pain, I was ready to get up and  begin a brand new healthier day, when I sat with my son and the smoke consumed me.

 

I tried to shut my mind down, I tried to not say anything, I hate smoke I always have, I vowed to never be with a smoker and I never was, I would not even date a smoker, so how ironic is the Universe my twin is a smoker, I love him unconditionally and that means loving him and his habit. I never want to Judge and I dont, I never have looked at him differently because he’s a smoker. I love him and if that means loving him while he smokes I do, and I always will.

I usually dont really notice him smoking because he smokes so rarely however the past couple of days its been more frequent.

So I got up without saying anything and just went back to the bed to lie down and fell back asleep for a while,,, and yet another dream Journey,,,What I do effects him, he has been smoking more frequent because I have been not taking care of myself more frequently. I remember a conversation I had with my mind, he has stated he was going to quit I know 20 times.

 

however I have stated i am going to get get healthy 100 times, to no avail, However this time I took a soul vowel and i am on mission,,,

 

He knows we are Twins and what he does effects me so why would he do that to us?

well I also know we are Twins and he’s feeling me unhealthy why would I overeat?

 

Well If he’s going to sabotage us , so am I

so You will be double unhealthy great plan!

 

 

I know without doubt when I get healthy he will no longer have the urge to smoke, its how twins work. We get healthy together. Today is a new day my mind is shut off, my ego is not allowed to have a say so in this. I will no longer attack my partner for what he is doing! I will no longer blame him for me being unhealthy!

 

When I fall off the wagon this is no ones issue but mine, I will no longer blame anyone else, I will no longer look for anyone else’s faults, I will go inside and find what it is I am doing to cause this behavior, It all begins within me, the destruction or the healing, I choose healing!

Love Lois

Lois and Clark What am I missing???

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We had a Question posted to us about our 10 month Series, as we wind down our first month.

 

Dear Lois and Clark:

 

I am Following your 10 month series, and have been reading your posts on Abandonment and Listening to the Radio shows, and am really looking forward to next months topic on pain and Junes Topic on Unconditional Love, I have seen the flyer and understand you offer a paid version, so what am I missing just looking from the outside in and following the “public” series.

 

Sincerely

Randal

 

 

Wow, Randall, what a great Question! and one we really have not answered until Now!

During our 10 month Series we are posting in our Public Forums, and Social Networks some of our Series Information! However for our Series Members we offer quite a bit more information and fun!!

 

We have a PRIVATE group our members are a part of and we have Very Enlightening and Active Discussion 24 hours a day!  Our Members also are a part of our Monthly Workshops, where they are given personal projects to do,homework if you will  lol  We gather in the private forum to discuss these projects, often times very eye opening! We play “games” we get to know each other and get personal (only if you like) and sometimes we tend to go over allotted time because there is someone experiencing a “breakthrough” all the while with plenty of support from their fellow members as well as Lois and Clark!

 

We also have 2 live Webinars a month, where we gather and discuss the topics at hand and our personal stories and journeys and struggles.  We guide and have fun and laugh as we teach the tools to break the cycles we find ourselves in! Breakthroughs in webinars are powerful as it is video and we get to see all of our members face to face and they get to see us!!!  Often times we are laughing as a group and crying as a group, its freeing and cleansing and healing!

 

Our members also get 4 personal telephone sessions with us! and wow we have found those incredibly healing!

 

Our members also get a Personal Skype or FaceTime visit with us one on one, Fun and amazingly healing as we go deep inside and get real personal!

 

 

Also Randal at the end of every month as our members complete their series they receive by mail a certificate of Completion from Relationship Reinvented for each month completed! and at the end of the Series they will receive a very special Award of Completion of the Entire Series!

and the Healing is the best part, imagine diving into each one of these topics, going deep within and Healing the cycles within ! It is a Healing Series!!!  I hope this helped! and we are here if you have any more questions!!

 

Lois and Clark (and I forget the Big Bonus,,,, meeting Lois and Clark 🙂  lol)

 

 

Healing series!

 

 

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Intimate Abandonment !

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The other day I was listening to a commercial and the commercial was about female Hormone Replacement Therapy, the commercial had women giving testimony on how the therapy was working for them. One woman in particular stated, “My husband is so happy, my sex drive is back and I cant keep my hands off of him”!  Me having some marketing classes under my belt, I thought wow that was genius. How many husbands are going to be wanting their wives to get this therapy” ? This commercial was geared toward men and not their wives.

I began to look at my own life and wonder if I  was just the exception, I dont need hormone replacement therapy, my hormones are always in overdrive, I began to look back at some of my former writing which surprisingly still all remain true, I found this.

“ I dream of Love Making so hot , so raw it has no boundaries, I dream of an undeniable touch,  a look an energy that is so strong there is no question what is about to happen, there is no human emotion or walls built up, there is no assumption about what he is feeling, I know without doubt he is wanting the very same thing.”

Human beings seem to somehow put a bridle on passion, we no longer are spontaneous or free with our passion towards our partner, for example all day yesterday I just wanted him, I needed him, I looked at him all day, lusted after him even in the oddest places and times, When he was driving, when he was working, when he was sleeping, when he was eating dinner, I watched him and I wanted him. But I did not act on it at all.

With children in the house sometimes unfortunately some things need to be discretionary , thats understandable, however passionate kissing and sneaking off into another room for a quick make out session, or a grab in the kitchen, or a touch or a look or few words whispered in an ear, that is passion that will lead up to quite an experience, why do humans put love making in a time frame? Mine has none, however I have found myself conformed to human standards and find myself more and more frustrated with those standards.  Why do I do these things, Why do human beings schedule times for Love making? Making Love should be held in the bedroom at bedtime, What??  Who came up with this? Why cant we be passionate all day every day, why cant we make love to one another all day everyday even if the actual act of love making has to wait until a more appropriate time, I feel passion all day, I wish for nothing more but to stay in that energy and stay in it with him. I have no desire to find excitable passion and hot sex, or passion with someone else I want it with him always.

I found this in an e mail sent to us last month from a woman in Illinois:

I find myself in some type of cycle, a cycle of waiting to see what he wants, waiting to see if he’s to tired and just wants to go to sleep, or if he’s not feeling well, and i should just let him rest, I even have found myself really wanting to touch him in the morning and holding back because “he probably” needs to go to the restroom and I dont want him to be uncomfortable, I do that more often than not and then find myself frustrated and eventually without his knowledge of the real issue I have an attitude as if its HIS fault.

I am stuck in a human world of waiting for him to make a move when I have so much sexual energy inside of me I feel as if I could burst, last night I just wanted to unleash it, and he came to bed and our oldest son was not home yet, and he left the bedroom door open to make sure we heard him come in, after about 30 mins he did, the door was shut and we made love and it was amazing, however I found that I was already in the “mindset”  that he was not “wanting me” and well “the mood” was not there, I had to clear my energy before I could begin to enjoy myself.

Its funny how the saying the mind is a very sexual organ, It is very much true, I love sex, I love to make love, I love passion even more and I seek a life full of it with him. I find that my mind most times gets in the way, assuming what he wants or dont want. Aching for him so often and finding myself so frustrated because that is not fulfilled inside of me, wanting to touch him, longing to feel him kiss me like he wants me and no one else, touching me like he cant wait until the time comes where he’s so excited he has no choice but to find somewhere to release at least a little energy. Uninhibited passion. An Energy everyone around us experiences. 

I was abused at a young age,I was told I was not worthy of someones love and would only be “Used” because that is what I deserved, for many years I allowed my mind to repeat those words and I continued the abuse on myself, I awakened and I realized who I really am. Does he see this? Does he know I am always looking at him? Does he know of this passion inside of me? Have I abandoned myself and my desires and my dreams?  Have I just allowed everyday human life and human scheduling to mold me?  Have I abandoned my sexuality, Have I abandoned my Passion? Have I abandoned who I really am? I no longer want to do this to myself, I no longer want to keep this boxed up inside of me, I no longer want boundaries, I no longer want schedules, I no longer want this cycle. How can I break free if he is stuck in his mind?

Its been 8 years since I met him, its been a rough 8 years, we have been through hell and back numerous times, however I still look at him like I did the very first time I saw him, I still lust for him always, I still long for him all day everyday! I still see his soul through his eyes, I still watch him walk, I still sniff his t shirts when he’s not around just to smell him, I still watch him sleep, I still want to care for him and make sure he’s ok, I still and always will love him unconditionally, I want him and only him. He’s amazing, he’s kind and loving and loyal and  he’s helpful and generous. He cares for our family and he provides for us, So what more could I possibly want? I just want him to pin me up against a wall, I want  him to hold me down, I want him to tell me in my ear he wants me,I want him to come to bed with no under ware on, I want him to sneak me off into the bedroom and kiss me passionately and let me know later when everyone leaves what is going to happen, I want him to keep me in suspense, I want him to want me as much as I want him. 

If he does how would I know? 

I would make him so damn happy he would be on an all time high!

Maybe he just doesn’t want me? I dont mean just sexually I mean Passionately, give me a reason to dress up, give me a reason to be naughty, give me permission to show you who I am! 

maybe he just dont want me like that, maybe he just dont see me like that, a life of  constant passion?

Why does my mind want to continue to tell me reason after reason why he shouldn’t, or why he don’t.

 What would happen if I just let all of my guards down, If I unleashed all of this passion and desire? To be accepted for it would be bliss, to be rejected for it at any time would be detrimental, and if he’s waiting for me to show him, why would he not help me by simply breaking some of his walls and showing me, its as if there is an unspoken elephant in the room that keeps saying, “wait for her to make a move”. 

He should be able to see I am scared and he should be able to feel my energy. Why is it so hard for him to just be the aggressor and except that all the while knowing I am wanting him at all times there is no bad time! If he made an effort to help me unleash this passion would he not feel the energy more strongly?

Do you feel her husband knows this information and is just rejecting her? Has she told him she simply needs him to be the “aggressor.” Does he feel unwanted because she is rarely the aggressor? If she’s responding to his advances EVERYTIME without ever rejecting him should that not tell him he’s wanted always? Or does he feel she’s just not that sexual?

Is there really this bad “stigma” that women dont enjoy sex, and men are pigs and that is all they think about, In this instance did this man assume his wife was not interested in him and he stepped out of the marriage to  “feel wanted”? That Stigma still rings odd to me because that seems to always be on my mind and I’m female. We can be at the grocery store looking at produce and I get a sniff of his cologne or I look at how his jeans fit and I get turned on, I find myself even when I am sick with a stuffed up nose wanting to be intimate with him. All he has to do is give me that look, or touch me, there is NO rejection, Never, he can wake me up out of a dead sleep and I would be ecstatic, I could be passing a kidney stone in severe pain and still welcome his advances. It dont matter if I have a severe “Headache” if he wanted to make love I know it would help my headache.

Why do humans make this so difficult? Why does the mind tell you if your not getting it at home, you can get it somewhere else, why is the excitement of an affair often the reason they continue. Why are we finding reasons to NOT find this excitement with our partners, the ones we share our lives with, the ones we love. Why is the answer always abandonment, abandon the commitment, abandon the relationship, abandon the communication, abandoning ourselves. and our desires and our dreams? Imagine if we all unleashed all of our passion on our partners, Imagine the marriages that would be healed, the relationships that would flourish, Why would you need to abandon your commitment, if you were fulfilled at home with your partner, Does it not start with You? What is it you are Abandoning? Your partners needs/desires? Are you abandoning your communication? Are you Abandoning YOUR desires?  Looking into ourselves are finally figuring out what it is we are abandoning and why it would cure a world of assumption and “mind noise”.  How could it not?

Love and light

Lois

My dear Past,

OUTATIME-carMy dear PAST,

I am writing you this letter so you can keep it close to you to understand why I am leaving you, you have given me second guesses, you have made life with others tolerable, and you have always given me the perfect reason to hide myself from others who didn’t deserve it!

I wanted to also inform you that because I will not be with you any longer I am going to accept the present moment more fully as my committed partner for existence here.  You always didn’t like the present moment and I get it, the present moment is a very sexy thing to try and compete with.  I know this will be hard for you and I hope that some day you will understand that it wasn’t you! IT WAS ME!

I just couldn’t be the man you wanted me to be repeatedly. It made me hard to understand, it gave me excuses to have pain that I would inflict on others. I just didn’t feel that was right of you to do that!  I had many affairs on you, I would sneak and meet someone and not hold their past against them and they wouldn’t hold my past against me (hell there were times you told me it was ok to keep it from others).  Then somehow, someway you would convince me to sleep with you again.  That wasn’t right. I did eventually leave them for you. Cause you were just to intoxicating for me to remove from myself.  I do want you to know I have released you from any alimony or child support. In other words you no longer have to pay for trips back down memory lane that will make me make a decision to endure your kind of pain. Cause my future will remain unknown to me.  Me and the present moment have spoken to this in great lengths. It is again not about you… IT IS ABOUT ME. I just realized it!  The present moment also said that I could not have any affairs with a little part of you or the future. So I know that this was a trying message to read.  But I thought I would leave a few things for you to realize going forward in the terms of the restraining order.

1) You are not allowed to come into my life to try and tell me what is going to happen, you must remain more than a mile away from me at all times.

2) Any lie you hear me tell myself about love, you are not allowed to come in and give it validity.

3) Anger, resentment, punishment, are mine to take in that moment as I take it, it will not build!  You have a restraining order PAY ATTENTION TO NUMBER 1 RULE!

4) You under no condition will try and tell me what love is or what it isn’t!  Your the past you can’t possible know what love is in this moment. Hence why I am leaving you for THE PRESENT MOMENT!

5) Don’t try to surface telling me I will be more protective and guarded of myself and my experiences that are in the present moment with you around. You aren’t psychic so stop claiming to be you have a catalog of history be a history teacher not a present moment connoisseur. I am not going to believe it to repeat it!

6) YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!  THE PRESENT MOMENT GAVE YOU YOUR TERMINATION PAPERS! READ IT AND GET TO STEPPING!

7) I believe I can fly without you, in other words you clipped my wings for long enough with your ability to tell me who I was with repeated memories of pain and more pain. My wings got weighted down with tar thanks to you.  NO MORE!

8) You are not allowed to use my mind against me. You can not find a way in manipulating things that i currently doing trying to show me all the different scenarios of what is to come based on results that were in the past.  Again this isn’t about you! It’s about ME!

9) You are not allowed to find a pathway into dreams, into day or night or other. It isn’t that I don’t love you completely I do in fact hence why I am letting you go completely.

10) Don’t take my love for granted, it will grow now because of your absence. It will realize there never had to be a limit and it will heal in your absorption of love I have inside me to make me the man she needs and wants. The present moment sends love your way, that you will find peace.

These are the guidelines for this divorce and I know you will have no choice to but to abide my wishes as it would show me how much you don’t love me by breaking these rules!

Wishing you luck finding another to pursue this with,

Clark Kent Esq.

Make 2014 Your year for Healing!!!

Healing series!

The mirror effect of your twin flame….

watersimbanalaTwin Flames truths…

 

 

So many have sent us questions and even more comments about the stream of energy in this connection. This connection is not a denial of thoughts of something inside you, in fact it is not even something that the thought process can actually wrap its hands around.  You have to see this connection as energy.  Combined and never ending just as you inside you. It is the blissful joy that comes with being connected to yourself.  Throughout our lives we will experience loneliness and not ever have a reason why.  We search for answers, we search for love, we search for something that will keep the pain away always outside of ourselves.  If you have found these to be truths in how you live within your existence, this is the truth as it comes and not only answers you, it gives you something you didn’t have in the first place by choice.  The voice inside your own to answer what you continued to run from.

 

The answers to why.. the constant cycle you have repeated because you didn’t see inside yourself because your thought process didn’t allow it.  The choice to be whole now becomes more clear to you because of the need to not seek your thoughts about why you shouldn’t be whole.  How you see in this way without the mind truly changes you.  It is the first step in knowing that something more is more inside of yourself.

 

The pain you experienced in your existence is now giving meaning to heal.  Meaning to be something more than a thought process of pain, and calling to a painful existence because you no longer need it, it didn’t ever define you, it kept you from defining the true self, without the pain speaking for you.

 

The unshakable peace you find in connection is about the connection you find inside yourself.  We want to make sure we all understand something you are never not whole.  You can be broken, you can be damaged, you can be lost, you can be miserable with what is going on around you.  This is not half of anything, this is truly whole. The truth is this very thing.  How can you be miserable and not wish to be happy. You can have the darkness take up the whole yin/yang inside of you, but the darkness will still have a glimmer of light.  You never know darkness without the light. It is truly impossible.  It takes knowing as a small thread to tell you that.

 

The Twin Flame will vibrate your true self to you. To see the choices in who you can be for yourself and for anyone else.  It is releasing as long as you see being released as a choice.  You can be with another and meet your twin flame, you can be best friends with your twin flame, you can even evolve with your twin flame without them in your existence to call to them.  Yet much like any wild fire as these changes come into you, something in you becomes more aware of awareness and self begins to emerge because it feels accepted in all thoughts and all forms.  You can say one thing but another will keep coming inside you to water your roots.  These roots birthed your soul in vibrational frequency.  They are more apart of you then all the experiences you have been through in your existence here in the human shell.  The animated form you are is not reflective to you in this way as your thoughts about it say this is not true, how could it be true? Notice the mind will make this an equation that can’t resolve itself.  As a content manager the mind needs history or future to keep control of you, is this not a fact?

 

You are allowed to be in this form and know the passing of this form will be free of itself and of it’s need to be something else.  Who told you that you couldn’t do this? What says you can’t be pure in this?

 

It is not uncommon to start to dream alot when a twin comes into your existence or you start to want your twin to come into your existence.  Some of the dreams feel as though you didn’t sleep as they will feel real.  This will be the moment of truth. Removal of self to see self in the form that has become an identity based on moments of choices that were made by happenings that you experienced.  It is a very uncomfortable experience yet as you see this in the eyes of no mind, you then see how the stream of choices and experiences arrived to the place that you are in, in all moments.

 

The paradox of this is that something in you is released, you will become more passionate about giving, more passionate about receiving and you will accept this as a choice in knowing.  You even will feel a release of energy that is sexual in nature that comes with a more vibrant touch.  The thoughts about this will cause the utmost chaos. You think you can awaken others from your touch, where in fact you are in tune with yourself and your twin.  This is how this becomes difficult, something in you thinks it can wake up others where in fact your awakening is only about you.

 

It is something you want to share, it is something you wish to wake up others into.  This is where the choice becomes something of a challenge.  The choice to see this inside of yourself will awaken the deepest pains in you that needed your embracing from the moment they happened.  Not having someone to help you protect you, be there for you when the person you needed is the person you are inside.  You are not weak as far as the soul is, How else do you animate the human experience you are having? You don’t see this as something the mind can even comprehend.  Remember, you make up what you think is knowledge based on things you learn in school or other. You learn processes and allow those processes to be who you are.  You graduate from a place you think to succeed. This is not even close to the place that this is inside of you.

 

Evolving into a flame that burns brightly requires you letting go of things that are false in you, and truly facing the truth inside you that you and another will experience. This other is connected to you in vibration alone.  Trying to manipulate this in your mind or come up with variables in the mind for them to come to you, will only delay what truly is coming to you in this truth.  You do this inside yourself first.  Waiting for the other to get this will give you more of the same or something worse as you continue to battle what goes on outside you never looking inside you to find the vibration creation itself.  Usually something worse pursues you because of this choice.  You see this as familiar and this is something you can think your way through.  This is so far from any truth! It is the lie of opposites that needs your embracing not your understanding.  Understand knowing is the key!

 

The is when… the only place in you comes to existence, rebirth happens like a shooting star.. answers in you become clear, your love becomes a birth of self that knows it doesn’t have an opposite…

 

True Unresolved feelings of rejection are embedded keeping you from yourself and from any truth you may feel until this magnificent experience happens within you. You remove yourself from your circumstances and embrace yourself fully for no reason other than you always had this as a choice within you.  You value your love and honor the new friendship you have within yourself. Some things that have a way of being something that really didn’t have anything to do with you, yet it did so with how you accepted them as an experience you did or didn’t deserve, you find peace within. The understanding that we never connect because we are all taught different ways of communication. Not language per say.. just different circumstances of how we experience pains and love in our life now become clear.  This becomes reflective in the love you send out into the world.  When we mix with others we all get into different thought processes that keep us from ever connecting on a thought pattern experience, but we all are the same outside of that. If you forgive in all moments you will find a lasting choice of love in friendships that don’t define you or the other person. They connect you in honesty. An honesty of truth that will never leave you without yourself or the speculation that can bring you to ask to understand in all things. This is not a fear that will keep you from making or finding new places inside you.. in fact it opens the door to always allow your love to be placed inside of the space that you are truly and deeply within yourself.

 

You are never without the core truth, as all truths come to you to say you are not the material that you have been keeping. You are the most magnificent creature, the most beautiful you that you will always be in this moment. You don’t make any action into an enemy. You actually make it your best friend.

 

The freeing that this brings to you is the love beyond conditions it is beyond the need for the unconditional it is pure bliss of letting go before you go.  You no longer see birth and death as a painful experience. You see the birth and death as fireworks into the world of form to formless not carrying the burdens of thoughts that kept you separate from yourself.

 

This touch becomes the touch of all things. You touch others without words, your energy is always accepting not seeking a opposite of anything.  Even pain becomes beautiful.

 

I know this sounds unimaginable. Yet we are here telling you this is the truth that our connection of twins has brought us.  We are able to show you the way, we are able to state these words.  How could it not be a truth?

 

Love with knowing and knowing without thought!

 

Lois and ClarkTruthpic(1)

Too Much Heaven….

When you embrace love your heart sings it gives you the love you need inside, no one can give this to you nor can you experience it without doing this. You will get a glimpse with another but if you find this in yourself you will have true connection to it to share with another!

 

Nobody gets too much heaven no more
It’s much harder to come by
I’m waiting in line
Nobody gets too much love anymore
It’s as high as a mountain
And harder to climb

Oh you and me girl
Got a lot of love in store
And it flows through you
And it flows through me
And I love you so much more
Then my life..I can see beyond forever
Ev’rything we are will never die
Loving’s such a beautiful thing
Oh you make my world.. a summer day
Are you just a dream to fade away

Nobody gets too much heaven no more
It’s much harder to come by
I’m waiting in line
Nobody gets too much love anymore
It’s as high as a mountain
And harder to climb

You and me girl got a highway to the sky
We can turn away from the night and day
And the tears you had to cry
You’re my life..
I can see a new tomorrow
Ev’rything we are will never die
Loving’s such a beautiful thing
When you are to me, the light above
Made for all to see our presious love

Nobody gets too much heaven no more
It’s much harder to come by
I’m waiting in line
Nobody gets too much love anymore
It’s as high as a mountain
And harder to climb

Love is such a beautiful thing
You make my world a summer day
Are you just a dream to fade away

Nobody gets too much heaven no more
It’s much harder to come by
I’m waiting in line
Nobody gets too much love anymore
It’s as high as a mountain
And harder to climb

Nobody gets too much love anymore
It’s as wide as a river and harder to cross

Nobody gets too much heaven no more
It’s much harder to come by
I’m waiting in line
Nobody gets too much love anymore
It’s as high as a mountain
And harder to climb (repeat and fade)

All the sex and the love in the world does have an answer how you can achieve just this!!!

How the sexes handle hurt!