Im Marrying a Cheater!!!

 

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As a Child I dreamed of this Connection, a love no other seemed to believe in, I would daydream about a connection so deep that you could feel physical manifestations of the other person, I dreamed and dreamed and when I spoke of this great love i was shot down,”your living in a fantasy world”. “there is no such thing, its only in dreams”. So thats where I kept it, in my dreams,,,,,, I married for 13 years, it was a “normal” marriage, I divorced dated, and then 2 years of self discovery ended me up in a new city with a brand new start and a fresh outlook on life, and then,,,,,, it all started.

 

I met him, when I saw him, my heart knew something was different, my soul awakened, my eyes were gazing upon the most beautiful man I have ever seen. We spoke and his voice consumed me, his written words were poetry to my ears. The first time my eyes saw him My heart stopped beating for seconds, I could not breathe, Ill nervier forget the fist sight, he was standing/leaning against the back of his car at a place we had agreed to meet at, he wore business attire which He wore so sexy, he was certainly easy on the eyes, I Immediately felt unworthy, I felt this beautiful man could not be here to meet me, but he was and I was falling all over myself. We talked to get to know one another, and time stood still.

 

Time after time he would call the numbers still are etched in my soul when they would show up on the caller Id, my heart raced, my palms would sweat. He had done something to me, we would make plans to meet, always at my place and I would get so excited, I would make sure to be home earlier to shower and prepare myself for THIS meet may be “the one” because every time we met there was ALOT of kissing and making out, and oh my when we kissed it lasted for hours,and well as ironic as it was HE would not “put out”. He never left me unsatisfied, the passion so strong so amazing so deep, however it seems I was on a “mission”.

 

Let me go back for a second and describe a kiss, a kiss I have written about, and he has written about, a kiss so deep, a kiss that awakened that ‘DREAM” I had kept inside of me, I saw inside of his soul, I saw him and I knew he could see me, I knew he he could see “ME”. That scared the shit out of me, why wouldn’t it, I had lived a very messed up life, I had a lot of skeletons in my closet and this fine specimen of a man had the key to the damn door! Let me explain how that feel for those of you who dont know,,,,Its like a serial killer who had a ton of “evidence” in his house and the police were knocking on the door,,,, That kiss made my heart do flips, made my stomach turn in excitement and fear combined. When he left that day I was glad he was gone but never wanted him to leave.

 

The visits became less and less and my “mission” was not complete,,,, and then i began to put together pieces like a puzzle in my mind. He had asked me not to call him as it was a business phone and he got “charged” for calls. He only ever contacted me during the day “business hours”, we only ever met during the day, and his e mails were mostly his writings, writings of sexual nature, fantasies he had in his head, stories of passion and lust and love at first I felt as if he had just copied and pasted them but later I knew they were his writings. I sat in a sinking feeling,,,, he MUST be married.

 

He called for a “visit” and what some would call a “booty call” but i wasn’t getting any “booty”, but THIS was the visit I was going to complete my “mission”, This man who had such a great impact on my soul, I knew was “shady” I know was lying, I had to put my DREAM, back inside of myself, lock it back up and just complete my mission,,,,,, always wondering WHY he would not go all of the way with me? Was i not good enough? Was I not sexy enough? Was I not worthy? Did he have a disease? Did he promise himself he would “play around” but never really go all of the way out of respect for his wife IF he had one? WHY???  What was the problem,,,, I asked him in an e mail, Are you HIV Positive? he laughed and said no im not, I have a clean bill of health,,, so the mission was reinstated,,,, and the visit came and through some really tough persuasion HE gave in to my “persuasion” and mission accomplished. When he was about to leave I looked into his eyes, something was different, something had changed in him, he left and I knew at that moment I would not be hearing back from him. I went on with my life so I thought, there were times I missed him, when the phone rang I would hope, I checked my e mail,, nothing, The only breakdown I had was one fall day,,September 26th 2005,

 

I had confronted him in e mail about his lies,days before, explaining to him what i saw,,, all the signs of a married man,,,,his response was another “fantasy” written out, he avoided my comments and my questions, he was exposed so divert my attention he “thought” he would grab my attention with another writing, I was livid, i was angry, I was hurt and I drove, I drove out to a place very special to me, a Big deck over a lake in a State park, a Deck my Grandpa and my Father had a part in building as a “Community service” project. I went out there often, and although it had been rebuilt a couple of times since then I still feel the craftsmanship my Grandfather put into everything he did. I got there, the wind was chilly, it was almost dark, I listened to the squirrels run around in the leaves, I saw a rabbit, I was a fish jump in the water and I began to cry, I began to scream out loud,,,, WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME? WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFERENT? WHY CANT I STOP FEELING YOU?? WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DID YOU COME INTO MY LIFE? I HAVE HAD ENOUGH HURT I DONT NEED YOURS!!! IF YOU CAN FEEL ME STOP LYING TO ME AND COME TO ME,,, EXPLAIN THIS FEELING I HAVE EXPLAIN WHY I CAN SEE INSIDE OF YOU!!!  COME BACK TO ME SO WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT,,,,,  CAN YOU HEAR ME,,,,, I screamed until my throat hurt and I felt as if my tears would flood the lake, I watched as they hit the water down below and I felt as if I was fighting a losing battle, The Universe had played a very bad trick on me.

 

From that moment on everything with his was a game to me, I just knew he was different, the way he touched me, the way he spoke to me, they way he looked at me, the way we connected.

I had to let it go, I had to put this awakening feeling back inside of me, and I did, and i eventually went on with my life and I was right that was the last time I saw him, The time I was able to “complete mission”.The e mails got fewer and fewer. I did not need all that in my life, I met someone else and got engaged, and then out of nowhere a YEAR later a message,,,,A simple how are you doing message and then come everything flooding inside of me,,,HOWEVER  attached with those feelings were hurt and doubt, and A lot of doubt inside of me,,, wait if I can still have “these” kinds of feelings for someone else how could I marry someone? I was a mess inside and it was really all his fault!! Why did he come back into my life?

 

For months we met and talked and time stood still, but this was different as I was on a path of self destruction, it was me against everyone who had ever hurt me, and I grew into something just as bad as I felt he was, He was trying to stand in his truth, trying I say because he was not but I was getting answers, and I loved being in his presence It awakened me further, and the darkness got deeper as I knew he could see me so I had to find deeper places to hide it. I found out that my suspicions were warranted,he was married, however he had not lived with his wife for years, but had lived with someone else for nearly 9 years, so he had a wife AND a live in girlfriend, funny thing though he was still sleeping with his wife,and was lying to her and telling her he loved her and she had hung on for him all those years, all the while living another life with someone else,, and me well I was only one of MANY, he had on the side of his wife and live in girlfriend,in my eyes at that time he was a gorgeous, sexy, womanizing player! But I loved him, however so did many others, I found out he was sending them all the same “fantasies” all the same deep writings, all the ‘lines” only 1 thing was different,,, He would not be intimate with me in entirety. He was living out fantasy in each and every  woman he was with looking for different pieces of his puzzle, looking for something different in each one, he was looking for “himself”. He was hurting so many, and the big picture was the hurt he was doing to himself,,,

I watched him go through a change so deep, I watched as he confessed everything to me, I let him cry, I loved this man, I realized at this moment I was deep in love with him, but my mind would tell me over and over there was ALOT of women in love with this man! All I could do was be his friend, and go on with my life, so I was his friend and i stayed his friend as I watched him cry and confess and do it again to another woman and again to another one, and I watched as he witnessed me “feeling” his pain, I watched him and loved him as his wounds were deep, and his change was hard, he was lost. I knew I could never be with him really,,,Once a Cheater always a Cheater right??? We would confess our love for one another and we would in turn hurt one another.

 

I knew I could never really “be” with a man like this, I could never trust him, I cold never believe in him, again once a Cheater,,,,I married and it was a lie, I was not in love with him, I loved him, But I was not in love with him, I did it out of hurt,I just wanted to be loved and be the “only” one in someones life, and I knew I would have this from this man, I didn’t want to live a life of non trust, already we were connected though I could not deny that, however he would confess his love for me and the same night I could FEEL him with someone else. The Pain was hard to handle, it was unbearable, So perhaps marrying someone else was a way to throw that pain back at him, In turn I realize I was hurting a lot of people as well, I had become him, he just didn’t know it!

 

My Marriage was a mess, no wonder, I was in love with someone else and we communicated daily, We remained friends, as my marriage fell apart, In a night of hurt and to much alcohol I slept with my husband who I was already estranged from, and we conceived,,, I met with my friend and he is the one who told me i was pregnant he could see it in me. It was true, So I was living a lie with a man who I was about to have a child with, and he was still sleeping with others, still lying to his wife, and his live in girlfriend. At one point he had told me to just “come on” just come and be with him and he would raise my child as his own and we would just be in love,,, I thought about it over and over and after an argument with my husband I left and went to him, when i got to his home before I got to the door, I saw in the window and he was in an embrace with his girlfriend and they kissed, i never knocked i went him to my husband, it was what it was, we loved one another deeply but the hurt was to much, but I TRUSTED my husband and I needed that !

 

My friend and I barely spoke during my pregnancy we e mailed a bit and spoke on messenger a bit, but the communication was no where near as before,, He sent my son a gift in the mail and

we just remained friends,,,and just as fast as communication diminished it picked backup again, only this time it was a bit different he was different and I could see something about to happen, I wasn’t sure what. We met and we were “together” only this time beautiful and it was life changing and I knew he was someone I could never be without even if not physically, we were spiritually connected, we loved one another and it was evident.

 

 

We got closer and closer and I knew he was still lying and seeing others, this player was good, I had dealt with a “couple” of the women he hurt and they told me the same stories, “he said that to me too, yes he told me that too!”  uggg this man was toxic!!  and then,,,His mother was found very ill, and I watched him as he lost his mother, it was a very painful time for him, I just remained his friend, I went to the service, sat in the very back row, I just wanted him to know  I was there for him, I didn’t stick around, I left directly after. I saw him the next week and I saw something in him I had not seen before, It was different ! He cried to me, he broke down and the next few months were hell. i watched him die, I watched him split, I watched him fight and struggle, he was honest with his girlfriend who had since moved out, he actually told her he was deeply in love with me and he was direct.

 

He then went through something really really amazingly painful but so beautiful! He was honest with his wife and he started the process of divorce, my husband had long since moved out and finally just simply asked me “why aren’t you with him?” Did I mention my ex husband is a great man? SO we did it we made a go of it but did I trust him?? HELL NO!  when he stated he was in a meeting I requested a “picture” of this said meeting and he always accommodated and he understood!  What we had not addressed was the skeletons I had in my closet!  at this point he was standing COMPLETELY in his truth,he was COMPLETELY honest with HIMSELF and with me about every aspect of his past and his life.

 

We lived together until MY skeletons began to come out and why would he stay with me after all he had been though why would he stay with me he was honest with me he deserved my honesty and i never gave it to him, we separated and he forgave me and we reconnected and it happened again months later and again he forgave me and we reconnected and again, it happened again and he left me, this time for good, I saw it in him, he tried to connect with someone else as did I, I went through the same pain he went through I had to find myself, I had to fall in love with MYSELF, I had to go not my pain.

 

Now as we are both in our truth from this 9 year Journey,, we have been back out to that deck together numerous times, He proposed to me on that deck, standing in the very same place I was screaming for him at, tears fell from both of our eyes in the same water. I am in love with this amazing man and I get to spend the rest of my life with him, We share EVERYTHING we hide nothing from one another, we share a cell phone, we share emails, we share face books, we are together nearly always and when we are not, those very same butterflies I felt in 2005, i feel today when he calls from the store, when he sends me a message from Face book when im sitting right next to him.

 

I trust this man with everything i have in me, I trust him in every aspect! I trust he will never lie to me, I trust I am and always will be his one and only, I trust everything he Says to me. I believe in him, I believe in the Business we have created out of our story and out of what the universe has asked us to do, I believe in myself, I believe our running and chasing was a lesson and our experiences have already changed lives.

 

I sit in awe of this AMAZINGLY gorgeous man everyday of my life, I watch him walk and I smile I watch him type on the computer and I feel lucky, I watched him sleep just last night and I cried, He really is a genuine person, he’s gorgeous, he’s incredibly sexy, he’s honest, he’s true, he’s loving, he’s romantic, he’s passionate,hes kind, he’s generous, hes giving, he provides for us, he’s a wonderful father, he’s compassionate,and he loves me unconditionally and I love him unconditionally, I love him for what he’s been through, what we have been through, and the universe is now allowing us to teach from it.  The honeymoon stage is never ending, inside of me I still have those “forever” butterflies. The dream inside of me is awake and WE ARE LIVING IT! Relationship Reinvented was born from this connection.

 

The old Quote “Once a cheater always a cheater”  could be true, My cheater, CHEATED CHEATING do you understand that????,By going inside of the root of WHY he was choosing those actions, WHY he was hurting people. He went INSIDE, he in a sense took his own life,HE CHEATED CHEATING! and I have this wonderful man in my life, he is still a cheater, he cheated his pain out of staying alive, he cheated his story out of Defining him, He cheated everyone who knows him out of being able to say, “hes still the same old guy” “believe me he’s still lying and cheating”, anyone who knows him now and knows him then is no longer able to say that because they can see it in him! They can see by his actions and his energy that part of him no longer exists. He has cheated that quote out of being true!!   I was on that deck on September 26th or 2005 screaming for him,,,, and I will be back on that deck September 26th of this year Marrying this Cheater and I am the Luckiest Woman in the World!

I Love You Clark Kent

Love Lois

 

Before you Attack your Partner Look inside yourself!

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Doesn’t it seem like when you lay down to go to sleep IF you have mind noise that mind noise continues inside of you one way or another into the next day which is supposed to be NEW! Usually I can shut my mind off and count my breaths or listen to my heartbeat whatever way I can usually shut my mind down and fall asleep and journey into someplace the Universe needs me to be. I remember the last “ thought” I had before falling into sleep. “why do I have to breathe in these toxic fumes, I dont smoke, I never have”  and then it began  the journey inside of myself. i have been soulfully conscious of what I put in my body.

 

I say soulfully because I had to soul train my mind because my mind LOVES Cake,  Chocolate Cake, White CAKE well any kind of Cake… CAKE IS DAMN GOOD,,, JUST SAYING.

 

So I had to tell my mind yes mind, your right cake is good,,, but eating the entire cake is not good, you will be permitted to have cake just not the whole damn thing lol. my last Doctors visit was a real pooper, The fact is I am overweight, I feel great because my Soul is Clean, I stand in  my truth at all times, I have nothing hidden, all my dark secrets are out my twin KNOWS who I am, what i stand for he knows all of my truths even the really ugly ones.I realized a long time ago why I carried extra weight, it was for protection, mind noise that no one would want me or try to abuse me as well as physical protection from my secrets, they were buried deep inside of me,,,,All is out now and I simply dont need this protection. Nor do I want IT!

 

This is all just extra I dont need, So I have vowed to get rid of it, and I am, however over the past couple of days I have went over in calories and have not moved as much as I would like so have felt discouraged, and when I get discouraged I like to blame others for my discouragement its just easier that way lol

 

So I noticed everything everyone else was doing wrong, when in reality it was my own self I was disappointed in, I went to bed last night discouraged with ME, I dont enjoy the toxic smoke from cigarettes i am a non smoker however my Twin enjoys it and I love him unconditionally and he’s not a regular smoker he smokes very infrequently, HOWEVER I find that when I dont take as good of care of my self he tends to smoke more,,, sometimes this connection goes so much deeper than the human mind can imagine.

I hurt my body the past two days but not continuing the cycle of “physical healing”. He is Physically ill, I am feeling his pain, he is having some kidney issues and I woke up this morning in pain and I WAS PISSED!  (I suppose it the same type of pissed he feels when he experiences my menstral cramps :).

 

My journey took me inside of me, why I was disappointed in ME, what I had done to get off track, what I could have done different and why I didn’t. There was no blame on anyone else it was ME. I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want that for me, for my kids and for my Twin because I Know he feels it, I want the energy that comes with being healthy, I am on the mission to get it.

 

My mind wanted to blame everyone else for my failures, when in fact I haven’t failed at all, I am still making drastic changes I am still on track when I fall off and consume to many calories thats my fault not anyone else’s. It has nothing and EVERYTHING to do with my twin, does that make sense? It has nothing and everything to do with him. It has everything to do with me, and my mindset and how I see things, It has everything to do with my control of me and how I treat my own body, when I heal so does he, when he heals so do I, When we fall apart physically we have to heal together. When I eat badly he smokes more, when he smokes more I eat badly.

 

To Heal this I have to go inside myself and find out what it is I am doing to not heal. So I wake up from that message filled Journey and I feel refreshed, ready to start a new day, my son woke me up at 8 am, I felt pain in my back, I was happy to take some of my twins pain, I was ready to get up and  begin a brand new healthier day, when I sat with my son and the smoke consumed me.

 

I tried to shut my mind down, I tried to not say anything, I hate smoke I always have, I vowed to never be with a smoker and I never was, I would not even date a smoker, so how ironic is the Universe my twin is a smoker, I love him unconditionally and that means loving him and his habit. I never want to Judge and I dont, I never have looked at him differently because he’s a smoker. I love him and if that means loving him while he smokes I do, and I always will.

I usually dont really notice him smoking because he smokes so rarely however the past couple of days its been more frequent.

So I got up without saying anything and just went back to the bed to lie down and fell back asleep for a while,,, and yet another dream Journey,,,What I do effects him, he has been smoking more frequent because I have been not taking care of myself more frequently. I remember a conversation I had with my mind, he has stated he was going to quit I know 20 times.

 

however I have stated i am going to get get healthy 100 times, to no avail, However this time I took a soul vowel and i am on mission,,,

 

He knows we are Twins and what he does effects me so why would he do that to us?

well I also know we are Twins and he’s feeling me unhealthy why would I overeat?

 

Well If he’s going to sabotage us , so am I

so You will be double unhealthy great plan!

 

 

I know without doubt when I get healthy he will no longer have the urge to smoke, its how twins work. We get healthy together. Today is a new day my mind is shut off, my ego is not allowed to have a say so in this. I will no longer attack my partner for what he is doing! I will no longer blame him for me being unhealthy!

 

When I fall off the wagon this is no ones issue but mine, I will no longer blame anyone else, I will no longer look for anyone else’s faults, I will go inside and find what it is I am doing to cause this behavior, It all begins within me, the destruction or the healing, I choose healing!

Love Lois

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My dear Past,

OUTATIME-carMy dear PAST,

I am writing you this letter so you can keep it close to you to understand why I am leaving you, you have given me second guesses, you have made life with others tolerable, and you have always given me the perfect reason to hide myself from others who didn’t deserve it!

I wanted to also inform you that because I will not be with you any longer I am going to accept the present moment more fully as my committed partner for existence here.  You always didn’t like the present moment and I get it, the present moment is a very sexy thing to try and compete with.  I know this will be hard for you and I hope that some day you will understand that it wasn’t you! IT WAS ME!

I just couldn’t be the man you wanted me to be repeatedly. It made me hard to understand, it gave me excuses to have pain that I would inflict on others. I just didn’t feel that was right of you to do that!  I had many affairs on you, I would sneak and meet someone and not hold their past against them and they wouldn’t hold my past against me (hell there were times you told me it was ok to keep it from others).  Then somehow, someway you would convince me to sleep with you again.  That wasn’t right. I did eventually leave them for you. Cause you were just to intoxicating for me to remove from myself.  I do want you to know I have released you from any alimony or child support. In other words you no longer have to pay for trips back down memory lane that will make me make a decision to endure your kind of pain. Cause my future will remain unknown to me.  Me and the present moment have spoken to this in great lengths. It is again not about you… IT IS ABOUT ME. I just realized it!  The present moment also said that I could not have any affairs with a little part of you or the future. So I know that this was a trying message to read.  But I thought I would leave a few things for you to realize going forward in the terms of the restraining order.

1) You are not allowed to come into my life to try and tell me what is going to happen, you must remain more than a mile away from me at all times.

2) Any lie you hear me tell myself about love, you are not allowed to come in and give it validity.

3) Anger, resentment, punishment, are mine to take in that moment as I take it, it will not build!  You have a restraining order PAY ATTENTION TO NUMBER 1 RULE!

4) You under no condition will try and tell me what love is or what it isn’t!  Your the past you can’t possible know what love is in this moment. Hence why I am leaving you for THE PRESENT MOMENT!

5) Don’t try to surface telling me I will be more protective and guarded of myself and my experiences that are in the present moment with you around. You aren’t psychic so stop claiming to be you have a catalog of history be a history teacher not a present moment connoisseur. I am not going to believe it to repeat it!

6) YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!  THE PRESENT MOMENT GAVE YOU YOUR TERMINATION PAPERS! READ IT AND GET TO STEPPING!

7) I believe I can fly without you, in other words you clipped my wings for long enough with your ability to tell me who I was with repeated memories of pain and more pain. My wings got weighted down with tar thanks to you.  NO MORE!

8) You are not allowed to use my mind against me. You can not find a way in manipulating things that i currently doing trying to show me all the different scenarios of what is to come based on results that were in the past.  Again this isn’t about you! It’s about ME!

9) You are not allowed to find a pathway into dreams, into day or night or other. It isn’t that I don’t love you completely I do in fact hence why I am letting you go completely.

10) Don’t take my love for granted, it will grow now because of your absence. It will realize there never had to be a limit and it will heal in your absorption of love I have inside me to make me the man she needs and wants. The present moment sends love your way, that you will find peace.

These are the guidelines for this divorce and I know you will have no choice to but to abide my wishes as it would show me how much you don’t love me by breaking these rules!

Wishing you luck finding another to pursue this with,

Clark Kent Esq.

Make 2014 Your year for Healing!!!

Healing series!

Hands

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My dream last night was simple, I went on a journey inside of my hands, I was able to feel what my hands felt, it was a journey Ill not forget. I woke up and Clark got up and I called him back over just so I could  touch him, wrapped my arms around him and let my hands feel his skin. The texture of his skin is so soft and warm. I then had a few moments to myself and went off into a quick meditation when I came out I looked at my hands.

My hands held my parents hands as a child, they held my ears when i heard the arguing and the hitting, they covered my eyes, they wrote my name for the first time and they haven’t stopped lol.  My hands held my children , changed their diapers,soothed their fevered foreheads, my hands cook dinner for my family, set the table for family dinners, they have tucked many gifts from the tooth fairy under pillows, they have wrapped many presents, they have zipped backpacks, they have hit in protection. They have raised to cover for protection, They fold in prayer, they open in meditation,they have pet precious family pets, they have painted walls, cleaned carpets, washed dishes, they have planted flowers, they have planted vegetables and fruit, they have held the cold hands of loved ones who have passed, The have written letters form my heart onto paper.

My hands hold Clarks, they go through his hair, touch his skin. They are scarred, they are sometimes tired, however they still have so much to do, they have grandchildren to hold, they have flowers to hold, they have words to type, just as they have typed these, They have medicine to give, They are medicine, They are healers, They are lovers, They are friends….Take a look at your hands, appreciate them for what they have done for you, use them wisely in everything they WILL do for you.

What have you have already touched in your life? What will you touch now?

Lois

Dog and Butterfly

Clark and Idog-nose lay in bed and listen to music and on the particular play list I had put together is the song “Dog and Butterfly “by Heart.  Its funny because throughout the years the meaning of this song has been a mystery, or better yet one of those songs that basically means something personal and very different to everyone, In General the song written by Ann Wilson was written about her sheepdog, as she looked out the window, the dog was happily and playfully chasing a butterfly, jumping up to try to catch it, and twisting and falling back down to the ground, only to shake it off and try and try again, it reminded her of how life can be, as earthbound creatures we are constantly  reaching for something higher.

The songs lyrics mimmic that for me but on a personal level, I used to have talks with my Dad a lot, When I got older and was able to drive I used to meet him here and there, sometimes at a park, usually smith park and we would sit by the pond, not for long but for long enough, as i got old enough to drink i would sit in the bar with him and talk, he would talk to me about his life and i would talk to him about mine, My dad never knew the details of some of the trial i had growing up, sometimes i felt maybe he did,but he felt helpless.I can remember some of the things my Dad would always say to me, “Im the smartest man in the world, I know everything”  ‘Never drive in the opposite direction of your destination” I finally figured that one out as i got older! and many other things, but one of the most important was when he would always tell me if you go for something you really want and you fail, don’t accept the defeat try and try again and keep trying after that!”

Personally that makes perfect sense about this songs meaning.

“There I was with the old man

Stranded again so off I’d ran

A young world crashing around me

No possibilities of getting what I need

He looked at me and smiled

Said “No, no, no, no, no child.

See the dog and butterfly. Up in the

Air he like to fly.” Dog and butterfly

Below she had to try. She roll back down

To the warm soft ground laughing

She don’t know why, she don’t know why

Dog and butterfly

Those lyrics are personal to me as I sat with my dad, I would often run from my home life, and call him and thats when we would meet and sit by the water, I would tell him how I was feeling and he encouraged me without knowing he was, my Dad was not a very sensitive on the outside, he had a hard shell, i only saw the man cry twice in my entire life, he put on a strong coat of arms around people,  He was basically telling me to continue to get through,to keep jumping.

“Well I stumbled upon your secret place

Safe in the trees you had tears on your face

Wrestling with your desires frozen strangers

Stealing your fires. The message hit my mind

Only words that I could find

See the dog and butterfly

Up in the air he like to fly

Dog and butterfly below she had to try

She roll back down to the warm soft ground

Laughing to the sky, up to the sky

Dog and butterfly

Intresting to me personally, there was a time in my Fathers life he left his family, he lived in an apartment up above the bar  at Bills Open door , the bar he  basically lived at lol.  I went there looking for him, the owners daughter who was a friend of mine she told me my dad had been staying up there for a while, so I went upstairs and talked to him, it was one of the Two times I ever saw him cry, he was confused, unhappiness surrounded him, My Father was an alcoholic and a Gambler and he loved women, although after he married my step mother he was much better, although he was a bit still abusive, he would tell me, my step mom of course would never say anything, She loved that man with all of her heart, She never had a bad word to say about my Dad, through all of the bad situations he had his family in, and there were quite a few, that woman never left his side. If you mentioned a certain woman’s name around her though, she had a glare in her eye, she knew there was something up on occasion, just was not sure, she trusted my dad, but she sure didn’t trust that woman.   I knew my Dad had experienced great love, he would tell me stories of a woman he met in the Philippines and hinted of someone else in another state he simply could not be with, while he was in the service,  He had a vision of what he wanted in life, he had a gift in his soul, however he never let it out.

I remember the man looking at me and with tears in his eyes said “Kid, what should I do”  I told him to go home, and try and if he failed to try again and to try to keep jumping for something higher and higher, 2 days later he went home, and although things did not change much there, they improved some.

We’re getting older the world’s getting colder

For the life of me I don’t know the reason why

Maybe it’s livin’ making us give in

Hearts rolling in taken back on the tide

We’re balanced together ocean upon the sky

I guess i felt at that time the world was a cold place as i got older, I was able to escape the life I had to endure at my home,

Another night in this strange town

Moonlight holding me light as down

Voice of confusion inside of me

No begging to go back where I’m free

Feels like I’m through

I was stuck in a dead in town between Dayton and Cincinnati, nothing to do, no where to escape to. All of my roots were there, my parents both born there all of my family there, I felt stuck, felt like there were walls around that city, it was like the hotel california, you can check out any time you like, but,you can never leave!  lol   My Dad finally left, although his physical body is buried there he’s certainly not there! I finally left, searching for something higher, jumping to try to catch that dream, It is a good thing I did, because i found it, I had the very same shell my dad did, I have the very same gift my dad did, I want the same things my dad wanted, I intend to let it all out, i intend to continue to try to jump higher and higher, To continue to try to catch my dreams, and when I do catch them, I intend to reacher higher ones! I realized this one thing personalizing the lyrics to this song,  My dad was and still is the smartest man in the world!

Then the old man’s words are true

See the dog and butterfly

Up in the air he like to fly

Dog and butterfly, below she had to try

She roll back down to the warm soft

Ground with a little tear in her eye

She had to try, she had to try

Dog and butterfly 

 

Aim Higher!!!

Lois

The mirror effect of your twin flame….

watersimbanalaTwin Flames truths…

 

 

So many have sent us questions and even more comments about the stream of energy in this connection. This connection is not a denial of thoughts of something inside you, in fact it is not even something that the thought process can actually wrap its hands around.  You have to see this connection as energy.  Combined and never ending just as you inside you. It is the blissful joy that comes with being connected to yourself.  Throughout our lives we will experience loneliness and not ever have a reason why.  We search for answers, we search for love, we search for something that will keep the pain away always outside of ourselves.  If you have found these to be truths in how you live within your existence, this is the truth as it comes and not only answers you, it gives you something you didn’t have in the first place by choice.  The voice inside your own to answer what you continued to run from.

 

The answers to why.. the constant cycle you have repeated because you didn’t see inside yourself because your thought process didn’t allow it.  The choice to be whole now becomes more clear to you because of the need to not seek your thoughts about why you shouldn’t be whole.  How you see in this way without the mind truly changes you.  It is the first step in knowing that something more is more inside of yourself.

 

The pain you experienced in your existence is now giving meaning to heal.  Meaning to be something more than a thought process of pain, and calling to a painful existence because you no longer need it, it didn’t ever define you, it kept you from defining the true self, without the pain speaking for you.

 

The unshakable peace you find in connection is about the connection you find inside yourself.  We want to make sure we all understand something you are never not whole.  You can be broken, you can be damaged, you can be lost, you can be miserable with what is going on around you.  This is not half of anything, this is truly whole. The truth is this very thing.  How can you be miserable and not wish to be happy. You can have the darkness take up the whole yin/yang inside of you, but the darkness will still have a glimmer of light.  You never know darkness without the light. It is truly impossible.  It takes knowing as a small thread to tell you that.

 

The Twin Flame will vibrate your true self to you. To see the choices in who you can be for yourself and for anyone else.  It is releasing as long as you see being released as a choice.  You can be with another and meet your twin flame, you can be best friends with your twin flame, you can even evolve with your twin flame without them in your existence to call to them.  Yet much like any wild fire as these changes come into you, something in you becomes more aware of awareness and self begins to emerge because it feels accepted in all thoughts and all forms.  You can say one thing but another will keep coming inside you to water your roots.  These roots birthed your soul in vibrational frequency.  They are more apart of you then all the experiences you have been through in your existence here in the human shell.  The animated form you are is not reflective to you in this way as your thoughts about it say this is not true, how could it be true? Notice the mind will make this an equation that can’t resolve itself.  As a content manager the mind needs history or future to keep control of you, is this not a fact?

 

You are allowed to be in this form and know the passing of this form will be free of itself and of it’s need to be something else.  Who told you that you couldn’t do this? What says you can’t be pure in this?

 

It is not uncommon to start to dream alot when a twin comes into your existence or you start to want your twin to come into your existence.  Some of the dreams feel as though you didn’t sleep as they will feel real.  This will be the moment of truth. Removal of self to see self in the form that has become an identity based on moments of choices that were made by happenings that you experienced.  It is a very uncomfortable experience yet as you see this in the eyes of no mind, you then see how the stream of choices and experiences arrived to the place that you are in, in all moments.

 

The paradox of this is that something in you is released, you will become more passionate about giving, more passionate about receiving and you will accept this as a choice in knowing.  You even will feel a release of energy that is sexual in nature that comes with a more vibrant touch.  The thoughts about this will cause the utmost chaos. You think you can awaken others from your touch, where in fact you are in tune with yourself and your twin.  This is how this becomes difficult, something in you thinks it can wake up others where in fact your awakening is only about you.

 

It is something you want to share, it is something you wish to wake up others into.  This is where the choice becomes something of a challenge.  The choice to see this inside of yourself will awaken the deepest pains in you that needed your embracing from the moment they happened.  Not having someone to help you protect you, be there for you when the person you needed is the person you are inside.  You are not weak as far as the soul is, How else do you animate the human experience you are having? You don’t see this as something the mind can even comprehend.  Remember, you make up what you think is knowledge based on things you learn in school or other. You learn processes and allow those processes to be who you are.  You graduate from a place you think to succeed. This is not even close to the place that this is inside of you.

 

Evolving into a flame that burns brightly requires you letting go of things that are false in you, and truly facing the truth inside you that you and another will experience. This other is connected to you in vibration alone.  Trying to manipulate this in your mind or come up with variables in the mind for them to come to you, will only delay what truly is coming to you in this truth.  You do this inside yourself first.  Waiting for the other to get this will give you more of the same or something worse as you continue to battle what goes on outside you never looking inside you to find the vibration creation itself.  Usually something worse pursues you because of this choice.  You see this as familiar and this is something you can think your way through.  This is so far from any truth! It is the lie of opposites that needs your embracing not your understanding.  Understand knowing is the key!

 

The is when… the only place in you comes to existence, rebirth happens like a shooting star.. answers in you become clear, your love becomes a birth of self that knows it doesn’t have an opposite…

 

True Unresolved feelings of rejection are embedded keeping you from yourself and from any truth you may feel until this magnificent experience happens within you. You remove yourself from your circumstances and embrace yourself fully for no reason other than you always had this as a choice within you.  You value your love and honor the new friendship you have within yourself. Some things that have a way of being something that really didn’t have anything to do with you, yet it did so with how you accepted them as an experience you did or didn’t deserve, you find peace within. The understanding that we never connect because we are all taught different ways of communication. Not language per say.. just different circumstances of how we experience pains and love in our life now become clear.  This becomes reflective in the love you send out into the world.  When we mix with others we all get into different thought processes that keep us from ever connecting on a thought pattern experience, but we all are the same outside of that. If you forgive in all moments you will find a lasting choice of love in friendships that don’t define you or the other person. They connect you in honesty. An honesty of truth that will never leave you without yourself or the speculation that can bring you to ask to understand in all things. This is not a fear that will keep you from making or finding new places inside you.. in fact it opens the door to always allow your love to be placed inside of the space that you are truly and deeply within yourself.

 

You are never without the core truth, as all truths come to you to say you are not the material that you have been keeping. You are the most magnificent creature, the most beautiful you that you will always be in this moment. You don’t make any action into an enemy. You actually make it your best friend.

 

The freeing that this brings to you is the love beyond conditions it is beyond the need for the unconditional it is pure bliss of letting go before you go.  You no longer see birth and death as a painful experience. You see the birth and death as fireworks into the world of form to formless not carrying the burdens of thoughts that kept you separate from yourself.

 

This touch becomes the touch of all things. You touch others without words, your energy is always accepting not seeking a opposite of anything.  Even pain becomes beautiful.

 

I know this sounds unimaginable. Yet we are here telling you this is the truth that our connection of twins has brought us.  We are able to show you the way, we are able to state these words.  How could it not be a truth?

 

Love with knowing and knowing without thought!

 

Lois and ClarkTruthpic(1)

The flame inside you….

egovssoulEnergy’s pathway…

 

Do you ever realize how different we are yet we are the same?  The stream of energy that you are is combined of essence in general of all things. It can not be seen in the eyes of someone who is combined of thought. If you see beyond it you can see the energy that I am referring to.  I was recently asked a question as to how I see things or have premonitions that are either future or past moments and do I believe that those that can are gifted?

 

We all are gifted these tools are no more than a condition of not thinking rather than what they are.  Any medium or someone practicing how to see things that were can tell you that. It is the art work of energy in motion. You see as energy is around us depending on thought we can exact or embrace what energy is showing us in any given moment. How much content you remove from your mind will show you this, you will have the ability to see everything in motion and in movement..  The statement “There is always something going on.” Will be found in this particular place. You can see love coming to and from. In other words how you think has a small percent of the energy that illuminates your being. This can be found in how active you are in thought. If your feeling something we all feel it, it is no more a mystery of what you feel when you clear the mind to hear it for what it is.

 

What if I told you that we have taken so much time feeding the mind with content we have only missed the opportunity to be something more? You can elevate yourself without any thoughts about this, you can take flight outside of your body to feel the energy of everything that we have so brilliantly placed in the background of what we are based on from the residual self image the mind creates for you.  This gravitational pull is to keep us not just in place, but we never know that the opposite side of the spectrum of being souls that drive the human vehicle of the body we all are within.  You do have this essence and in this writing I want you to feel this to know that I am doing as I always do which is to point you to a new truth about yourself that needs more weight in order for you to feel the radiant love of energy that you are.  You feel this in transition of sleeping, of waking, of walking. or interacting with others who are soul confined wanting to be free.

 

I want to speak to you today about how these little differences of who you are, why you are, and what you truly are need of to evolve. If you go back and read any history there is the great tragedies that we all endured in some way as a form of energy that was created without our input, was placed to dictate the violence we see in everything.  This violence was created with very little input from the energy you are,  and with unison is the only way to take this right we have back. It is the human experience of existence.  We all were brought here into this existence to experience the many tragedies and the many brilliances of what it means to be in space as form.  You will not have this when you leave, as this door remains open, it is time for us to walk through it, not in thinking it through, but in embracing it through knowing.  You know more than your senses tell you because of thought. The capacity can only expand in this knowing.  You don’t have to be book smart to embrace this knowing. It is inherently placed inside you coming into this form.

 

We all were given the ability to have a thought process, some think they are doing things for the greater good, some think and will ultimately do bad. It is not by choice it is by consequence. We all have experienced pain some more than others to a great detail.

 

What if I told you these same laws we have created in separateness are still here embedded keeping us from seeing the true energy we are.  We are energy, have you really allowed this thought to process and stay in place.  This magic is duplicated throughout everything.  The lighting of a match shows you birth and death in a very small space and small time.  Although to the match it is existence that stays long enough to make sure you experience the light and the burning even after it is somewhat gone. It truly is never gone, the smell stays, the heat stays and even your friction you created gets sent out to the universe. Now do this, imagine that all the thoughts you create do the same thing. They are let out into existence, how you caress this known fact determines what will be sent out from your being into existence.

 

I have stated clearly before a truth that is your life is infinite, this existence is not. Your form will change, and what is deeply profound here is that it happens to all that is alive and not alive.  Alive is a statement we take from granted thinking instead of connecting.

 

Why is the perfect question why did we think our selfs into disconnection rather than connection itself?  We have existed lopsided, and caused the current mode of knowing into a small form of what we do, and we think in a very small space.  Why not expand and see that all the energy blends, how we create the music of existence is up to us.  I am choosing the word music here, because we all have this song that plays that distinctly has been how we view our world through our own eyes.

 

Ever heard a song that a chorus or the crescendo hit you and made tears come to your eyes?  Then you can understand the love I am placing within stating all of this to you it is made up of the same fabric of energy in tears… Tears you can feel, tears that call to you in your sleep, and your waking moments of no mind.

 

How you choose to view this post can hit you in one way and one way only.. It is to wake you to something more within you that can accept energy and see energy inside yourself to see how your thought process has misguided you into thinking that your color, your level of intelligence from the mind, your ability to see someone and say nothing and how you even feel in your own surroundings allows this energy to contain you and keep you where you are.. not disconnected but deeply connected is truth. This knowing is why I am stating this, it is what you need to know deeply before you go through the door of existence.   It is time we all held onto what the unknown is and stop gravitating to the known collective thought that is destroying us one at a time.  You are more, you are beautiful, you are the love you possess even inside of the pain your mind calls to you to make sure you are still living.. you are existing in this form… You even have another who can feel your vibrational energy more vibrantly than what you can see or know inside the mind.  Isn’t it time to collect what we came here to collect and embrace the connection of being? Truly being is the capsule to what the soul is going to be able to experience much broader when the weight of all the energy you are decides to be.. It is the only truth you can know without me or anyone else telling you.  You can allow everyone around you to feel it the way it was meant to be, not the way you think it to be.

 

If you find yourself as an introvert realize your energy is the most powerful it can change the color in any room, it can change the current of love in any room.  No one can tell you this as they always lose their words… I don’t have to stop telling you and I won’t for it is what I am here.. It is my purpose..  Light the flame inside you!  It is time!  If you say I am working on it, you are missing this one key thing to bring you along the way.. and that is the present moment.. you truly have nothing else but that.. no material needed.. Just this moment and the love that is surrounding you in energy.  How will you interact with it?  How will you change your energy to adapt and to connect? It is a choice of seeing it cause it will do it without you even knowing.. as your mind will do the impacting itself.  Is that how you want to impact everything?

 

 

Signed

The soul…

 

 

You are never without me… even when you think you are…

The doorway to healing… You may be going through things
in your life.. always giving to others always trying to protect or
do the right thing even when it feels you may be doing the wrong
thing. Sometimes we make choices and live a certain way because of
things we will never get passed really.angel Why I am going here is
important, and it is for the reason that someone has never reached
inside you, and told you what I am going to do at this time. For
all the innocence in you that had never had anyone to hear you, I
am here to tell you that you are going to be loved beyond love from
me.. The pain that has been stuck in you, to be relived in your
nightmares, in your thoughts, and the misbelief that no one was
there to hear your screams and believe in you knowing you needed
help, you needed to be protected, you needed someone to hold you
through your screams…. I do. I know you went through such things
when you were a child, when you were a teen and how it placed a
thread in you to become the person identified inside as you became
an adult based on this fabric. So many moments have passed by no
one told you that you were going to be ok, only you inside your
mind, no one told you that you were special, only you did at that
moment, and then you felt scared cause you believed in something no
one could seem to understand or hear, and no one was there to
protect you, no one was there to tell you why you placed your trust
there, only to have it destroyed repeatedly and then you found
something in you, that seemed to want to protect yourself and
everything in your sight to be something that you could believe,
you had to protect, and guard, and hide. You have suffered long
enough, the pain you keep inside, I am sorry that it happened.. I
am sorry it took you this long to find this, and know that inside
me I am truly sorry, and I am always going to listen to you, and
that you no longer need to hide from the lies that you are not
more… you are indeed more….. No matter what you had
experienced, no matter what pains you kept to make the decisions
you made, I am here, and I will always be here. I will always give
you all the love I have in me to make sure you have the path to
heal through this. Not because I listened and understood your pain,
but because I have lived it by touching in you all the pain that
one can endure in this existence. You lost this innocence, and I am
here to help you reclaim it through holding you through it all,
touching you through it all… giving you silence when you need it,
and giving you a kiss when it no longer seems that you can even
feel yourself, cause of the numbness of facing it all. In ones
existence here they will have a heartbeat that beats for the entire
time they are here. Each beat gives them the opportunity to love
deeper than they did the moment before if they can stay in sync
with it paying closer attention to it. It gives this beat as long
as we are here. We forget this, mainly cause of what we see on the
outside of ourselves. We lose this path to that feeling of knowing
it is real, cause others who we see on the outside don’t stop to
feel their own. Yet, when you take the time, and stop and realize
it, you know that you are connected to everyone else and everything
else. I am connected to you and I want you to know everything I
am.. the love that is my energy is yours combined to make it ours.
To heal through, to fight through, to pain through, to laugh
through, to embrace not just those things in you that you feel
locked away into, but beyond that. I am here to let you know that
true love is real. It is real in me as much as it is real watching
a sunset or sunrise and knowing the beautiful places that can also
be tragic are love to. You can’t be lost when you reach out, and I
will grab your hand, it is not being lost when you can feel that.
Even if we don’t know where we are. What matters most is this very
thing. It doesn’t require you to think about what I am saying here.
You should feel the tears come from me as I pledge to you writing
this that your tears are combined now.. they have a light all to
there own. It is releasing as long as you hold me tighter through
the tears you feel in knowing that I can hear you. There will never
be a time that I am not connected to you, there will never be a
time that I am not in sync with you. I will be completely connected
to you beyond any place, form or realm. Freed is the body you may
move in, as the soul comes through to finally realize it is not
protected from what can be judgement, persecution, cautious
behavior, torture from others who were supposed to love and protect
you. I will always be that shield for you although it may seem I am
not their in the physical, but I am always there inside you to be
stronger than you were without me. It is not in ego that you keep
me, for that will always make you hear something the mind will say.
You now can speak out loud inside and I will hear you. I will heart
you.. I will embrace you. I will always be here inside you.. not
just to know you are, but because you are. If I never made the
pledge you would not know I was here. Signed, Your
soul….