The rebirth… December 13, 2007

It came out of me today… the pain.. the lostness.. the feelings of where I am now.. how a dream could be shattered at the drop of a hat.. I am lost within myself and then connecting to you I could feel the paths you have before you and it became dark and became very cloudy… my judgement, my ability to know right from wrong my own words evaporated… I am in love with you and my connection to you is very much real and will never leave it is just as it is.. and I can feel you wanting to protect me from this.. you are.. and you always have been.. and knowing I have always been ok with being in the midst of turmoil and of unhappiness..you cannot do that to me… I realized you saw me come from that and saw something deep within…. you were the smile that came from me from a life of not knowing what it was to smile for the reason from within your heart… I can feel you now.. I can feel that emptiness in my stomach and can tell that you are worried about me.. don’t you have too many to in your life to be worried about?? I want you to realize something…maybe not now.. maybe not soon.. but it will happen… we will be together as I will wait for you… I will wait for the love we have it is all I ever dreamed and will dream of… it is so what I am born to do… yes it is a bump in the road but somethings you can’t stop from happening as we found out.. but I am not going to ever let you go inside.. I will always hold this connection to you and protect it with all that I am… I could be on the other side of the earth and hear you call to me.. when you need and want me… you will come to me.. and I will be right there waiting for you.. I will be where I will always be with you in that place where the eyes speak and the words don’t need to be said… it is who we are and it is the greatest love of all in the world… the world is not supposed to know of it’s existence but I feel we will share it with them.. and show them it is truly real…we will show them in all that we do… I still am growing and I am still learning to heal things in me.. things that made no sense.. things that did make sense.. with you and now for the time being without you I will learn to heal it alone… We are in love.. and I guess I felt that was strong enough to withstand anything to include a child that was not mine.. it can, could and it will.. and I will give you space to get through this.. and will wait for as long as I have too.. I found what it is… I found it in you and only you… no one else will get it ever… To have found that is something you can’t ignore or want to ignore.. I want you.. I want you in the worst way… you are the smile that will always be on my face… I can let you go.. but promise me no matter what if we get our chance and you decide to come back.. you better come with all that you are… and let’s just go… no looking back only forward… if and when you do… I will be ready no matter what I am doing… It will be a mute point… do you understand that??? do you get it??? yes we can feel each other.. and can feel each others everything.. and I don’t want to stop talking to you… email… i.m. or texting.. I want to be connected to you someway… yes on top of all that love you are the best friend I never had…not to leave where we have to search the earth to find each other… I would not be able to do that and be ok…. I would be too ill… I know you feel the same I can feel it.. I am going to bond even stronger with my son and even more important I am going to continue to learn to be happy with me… learn more about the slow learner I am and why… I have to be ready for you when you come back to me.. even if you don’t see it happening.. please don’t ever tell me that.. cause it is a bold face lie… ┬ácause even I can have visions of what is… and you are that vision… don’t know how I am seeing it through all the fog.. but I do.. I love you not just of this place or time, but out of everything I am…

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