Im Marrying a Cheater!!!

 

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As a Child I dreamed of this Connection, a love no other seemed to believe in, I would daydream about a connection so deep that you could feel physical manifestations of the other person, I dreamed and dreamed and when I spoke of this great love i was shot down,”your living in a fantasy world”. “there is no such thing, its only in dreams”. So thats where I kept it, in my dreams,,,,,, I married for 13 years, it was a “normal” marriage, I divorced dated, and then 2 years of self discovery ended me up in a new city with a brand new start and a fresh outlook on life, and then,,,,,, it all started.

 

I met him, when I saw him, my heart knew something was different, my soul awakened, my eyes were gazing upon the most beautiful man I have ever seen. We spoke and his voice consumed me, his written words were poetry to my ears. The first time my eyes saw him My heart stopped beating for seconds, I could not breathe, Ill nervier forget the fist sight, he was standing/leaning against the back of his car at a place we had agreed to meet at, he wore business attire which He wore so sexy, he was certainly easy on the eyes, I Immediately felt unworthy, I felt this beautiful man could not be here to meet me, but he was and I was falling all over myself. We talked to get to know one another, and time stood still.

 

Time after time he would call the numbers still are etched in my soul when they would show up on the caller Id, my heart raced, my palms would sweat. He had done something to me, we would make plans to meet, always at my place and I would get so excited, I would make sure to be home earlier to shower and prepare myself for THIS meet may be “the one” because every time we met there was ALOT of kissing and making out, and oh my when we kissed it lasted for hours,and well as ironic as it was HE would not “put out”. He never left me unsatisfied, the passion so strong so amazing so deep, however it seems I was on a “mission”.

 

Let me go back for a second and describe a kiss, a kiss I have written about, and he has written about, a kiss so deep, a kiss that awakened that ‘DREAM” I had kept inside of me, I saw inside of his soul, I saw him and I knew he could see me, I knew he he could see “ME”. That scared the shit out of me, why wouldn’t it, I had lived a very messed up life, I had a lot of skeletons in my closet and this fine specimen of a man had the key to the damn door! Let me explain how that feel for those of you who dont know,,,,Its like a serial killer who had a ton of “evidence” in his house and the police were knocking on the door,,,, That kiss made my heart do flips, made my stomach turn in excitement and fear combined. When he left that day I was glad he was gone but never wanted him to leave.

 

The visits became less and less and my “mission” was not complete,,,, and then i began to put together pieces like a puzzle in my mind. He had asked me not to call him as it was a business phone and he got “charged” for calls. He only ever contacted me during the day “business hours”, we only ever met during the day, and his e mails were mostly his writings, writings of sexual nature, fantasies he had in his head, stories of passion and lust and love at first I felt as if he had just copied and pasted them but later I knew they were his writings. I sat in a sinking feeling,,,, he MUST be married.

 

He called for a “visit” and what some would call a “booty call” but i wasn’t getting any “booty”, but THIS was the visit I was going to complete my “mission”, This man who had such a great impact on my soul, I knew was “shady” I know was lying, I had to put my DREAM, back inside of myself, lock it back up and just complete my mission,,,,,, always wondering WHY he would not go all of the way with me? Was i not good enough? Was I not sexy enough? Was I not worthy? Did he have a disease? Did he promise himself he would “play around” but never really go all of the way out of respect for his wife IF he had one? WHY???  What was the problem,,,, I asked him in an e mail, Are you HIV Positive? he laughed and said no im not, I have a clean bill of health,,, so the mission was reinstated,,,, and the visit came and through some really tough persuasion HE gave in to my “persuasion” and mission accomplished. When he was about to leave I looked into his eyes, something was different, something had changed in him, he left and I knew at that moment I would not be hearing back from him. I went on with my life so I thought, there were times I missed him, when the phone rang I would hope, I checked my e mail,, nothing, The only breakdown I had was one fall day,,September 26th 2005,

 

I had confronted him in e mail about his lies,days before, explaining to him what i saw,,, all the signs of a married man,,,,his response was another “fantasy” written out, he avoided my comments and my questions, he was exposed so divert my attention he “thought” he would grab my attention with another writing, I was livid, i was angry, I was hurt and I drove, I drove out to a place very special to me, a Big deck over a lake in a State park, a Deck my Grandpa and my Father had a part in building as a “Community service” project. I went out there often, and although it had been rebuilt a couple of times since then I still feel the craftsmanship my Grandfather put into everything he did. I got there, the wind was chilly, it was almost dark, I listened to the squirrels run around in the leaves, I saw a rabbit, I was a fish jump in the water and I began to cry, I began to scream out loud,,,, WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME? WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFERENT? WHY CANT I STOP FEELING YOU?? WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DID YOU COME INTO MY LIFE? I HAVE HAD ENOUGH HURT I DONT NEED YOURS!!! IF YOU CAN FEEL ME STOP LYING TO ME AND COME TO ME,,, EXPLAIN THIS FEELING I HAVE EXPLAIN WHY I CAN SEE INSIDE OF YOU!!!  COME BACK TO ME SO WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT,,,,,  CAN YOU HEAR ME,,,,, I screamed until my throat hurt and I felt as if my tears would flood the lake, I watched as they hit the water down below and I felt as if I was fighting a losing battle, The Universe had played a very bad trick on me.

 

From that moment on everything with his was a game to me, I just knew he was different, the way he touched me, the way he spoke to me, they way he looked at me, the way we connected.

I had to let it go, I had to put this awakening feeling back inside of me, and I did, and i eventually went on with my life and I was right that was the last time I saw him, The time I was able to “complete mission”.The e mails got fewer and fewer. I did not need all that in my life, I met someone else and got engaged, and then out of nowhere a YEAR later a message,,,,A simple how are you doing message and then come everything flooding inside of me,,,HOWEVER  attached with those feelings were hurt and doubt, and A lot of doubt inside of me,,, wait if I can still have “these” kinds of feelings for someone else how could I marry someone? I was a mess inside and it was really all his fault!! Why did he come back into my life?

 

For months we met and talked and time stood still, but this was different as I was on a path of self destruction, it was me against everyone who had ever hurt me, and I grew into something just as bad as I felt he was, He was trying to stand in his truth, trying I say because he was not but I was getting answers, and I loved being in his presence It awakened me further, and the darkness got deeper as I knew he could see me so I had to find deeper places to hide it. I found out that my suspicions were warranted,he was married, however he had not lived with his wife for years, but had lived with someone else for nearly 9 years, so he had a wife AND a live in girlfriend, funny thing though he was still sleeping with his wife,and was lying to her and telling her he loved her and she had hung on for him all those years, all the while living another life with someone else,, and me well I was only one of MANY, he had on the side of his wife and live in girlfriend,in my eyes at that time he was a gorgeous, sexy, womanizing player! But I loved him, however so did many others, I found out he was sending them all the same “fantasies” all the same deep writings, all the ‘lines” only 1 thing was different,,, He would not be intimate with me in entirety. He was living out fantasy in each and every  woman he was with looking for different pieces of his puzzle, looking for something different in each one, he was looking for “himself”. He was hurting so many, and the big picture was the hurt he was doing to himself,,,

I watched him go through a change so deep, I watched as he confessed everything to me, I let him cry, I loved this man, I realized at this moment I was deep in love with him, but my mind would tell me over and over there was ALOT of women in love with this man! All I could do was be his friend, and go on with my life, so I was his friend and i stayed his friend as I watched him cry and confess and do it again to another woman and again to another one, and I watched as he witnessed me “feeling” his pain, I watched him and loved him as his wounds were deep, and his change was hard, he was lost. I knew I could never be with him really,,,Once a Cheater always a Cheater right??? We would confess our love for one another and we would in turn hurt one another.

 

I knew I could never really “be” with a man like this, I could never trust him, I cold never believe in him, again once a Cheater,,,,I married and it was a lie, I was not in love with him, I loved him, But I was not in love with him, I did it out of hurt,I just wanted to be loved and be the “only” one in someones life, and I knew I would have this from this man, I didn’t want to live a life of non trust, already we were connected though I could not deny that, however he would confess his love for me and the same night I could FEEL him with someone else. The Pain was hard to handle, it was unbearable, So perhaps marrying someone else was a way to throw that pain back at him, In turn I realize I was hurting a lot of people as well, I had become him, he just didn’t know it!

 

My Marriage was a mess, no wonder, I was in love with someone else and we communicated daily, We remained friends, as my marriage fell apart, In a night of hurt and to much alcohol I slept with my husband who I was already estranged from, and we conceived,,, I met with my friend and he is the one who told me i was pregnant he could see it in me. It was true, So I was living a lie with a man who I was about to have a child with, and he was still sleeping with others, still lying to his wife, and his live in girlfriend. At one point he had told me to just “come on” just come and be with him and he would raise my child as his own and we would just be in love,,, I thought about it over and over and after an argument with my husband I left and went to him, when i got to his home before I got to the door, I saw in the window and he was in an embrace with his girlfriend and they kissed, i never knocked i went him to my husband, it was what it was, we loved one another deeply but the hurt was to much, but I TRUSTED my husband and I needed that !

 

My friend and I barely spoke during my pregnancy we e mailed a bit and spoke on messenger a bit, but the communication was no where near as before,, He sent my son a gift in the mail and

we just remained friends,,,and just as fast as communication diminished it picked backup again, only this time it was a bit different he was different and I could see something about to happen, I wasn’t sure what. We met and we were “together” only this time beautiful and it was life changing and I knew he was someone I could never be without even if not physically, we were spiritually connected, we loved one another and it was evident.

 

 

We got closer and closer and I knew he was still lying and seeing others, this player was good, I had dealt with a “couple” of the women he hurt and they told me the same stories, “he said that to me too, yes he told me that too!”  uggg this man was toxic!!  and then,,,His mother was found very ill, and I watched him as he lost his mother, it was a very painful time for him, I just remained his friend, I went to the service, sat in the very back row, I just wanted him to know  I was there for him, I didn’t stick around, I left directly after. I saw him the next week and I saw something in him I had not seen before, It was different ! He cried to me, he broke down and the next few months were hell. i watched him die, I watched him split, I watched him fight and struggle, he was honest with his girlfriend who had since moved out, he actually told her he was deeply in love with me and he was direct.

 

He then went through something really really amazingly painful but so beautiful! He was honest with his wife and he started the process of divorce, my husband had long since moved out and finally just simply asked me “why aren’t you with him?” Did I mention my ex husband is a great man? SO we did it we made a go of it but did I trust him?? HELL NO!  when he stated he was in a meeting I requested a “picture” of this said meeting and he always accommodated and he understood!  What we had not addressed was the skeletons I had in my closet!  at this point he was standing COMPLETELY in his truth,he was COMPLETELY honest with HIMSELF and with me about every aspect of his past and his life.

 

We lived together until MY skeletons began to come out and why would he stay with me after all he had been though why would he stay with me he was honest with me he deserved my honesty and i never gave it to him, we separated and he forgave me and we reconnected and it happened again months later and again he forgave me and we reconnected and again, it happened again and he left me, this time for good, I saw it in him, he tried to connect with someone else as did I, I went through the same pain he went through I had to find myself, I had to fall in love with MYSELF, I had to go not my pain.

 

Now as we are both in our truth from this 9 year Journey,, we have been back out to that deck together numerous times, He proposed to me on that deck, standing in the very same place I was screaming for him at, tears fell from both of our eyes in the same water. I am in love with this amazing man and I get to spend the rest of my life with him, We share EVERYTHING we hide nothing from one another, we share a cell phone, we share emails, we share face books, we are together nearly always and when we are not, those very same butterflies I felt in 2005, i feel today when he calls from the store, when he sends me a message from Face book when im sitting right next to him.

 

I trust this man with everything i have in me, I trust him in every aspect! I trust he will never lie to me, I trust I am and always will be his one and only, I trust everything he Says to me. I believe in him, I believe in the Business we have created out of our story and out of what the universe has asked us to do, I believe in myself, I believe our running and chasing was a lesson and our experiences have already changed lives.

 

I sit in awe of this AMAZINGLY gorgeous man everyday of my life, I watch him walk and I smile I watch him type on the computer and I feel lucky, I watched him sleep just last night and I cried, He really is a genuine person, he’s gorgeous, he’s incredibly sexy, he’s honest, he’s true, he’s loving, he’s romantic, he’s passionate,hes kind, he’s generous, hes giving, he provides for us, he’s a wonderful father, he’s compassionate,and he loves me unconditionally and I love him unconditionally, I love him for what he’s been through, what we have been through, and the universe is now allowing us to teach from it.  The honeymoon stage is never ending, inside of me I still have those “forever” butterflies. The dream inside of me is awake and WE ARE LIVING IT! Relationship Reinvented was born from this connection.

 

The old Quote “Once a cheater always a cheater”  could be true, My cheater, CHEATED CHEATING do you understand that????,By going inside of the root of WHY he was choosing those actions, WHY he was hurting people. He went INSIDE, he in a sense took his own life,HE CHEATED CHEATING! and I have this wonderful man in my life, he is still a cheater, he cheated his pain out of staying alive, he cheated his story out of Defining him, He cheated everyone who knows him out of being able to say, “hes still the same old guy” “believe me he’s still lying and cheating”, anyone who knows him now and knows him then is no longer able to say that because they can see it in him! They can see by his actions and his energy that part of him no longer exists. He has cheated that quote out of being true!!   I was on that deck on September 26th or 2005 screaming for him,,,, and I will be back on that deck September 26th of this year Marrying this Cheater and I am the Luckiest Woman in the World!

I Love You Clark Kent

Love Lois

 

How do you resolve negative energy?

Arising Negativity…..yinyangposneg We have not seen the truth about negativity in our existence in human… This is to point you to a greater truth. All resistance of what is.. Cumulates over time and the mind will now create a story to be placed here. You can see this in what others say about others, in what others create within their stories that is perceived as negative and then there is a deeper humbling experience of what negative is. The mind or ego as it were believes that through negativity it can manipulate reality thus giving it a power. This negativity in ego truly believes it can get what it wants and have it’s needs met under the identifying light of the ego which is actually in the dark nature of what we experience in human! It seeks what is unconditional and tries to create conditions to be made where it truly sparks a thought process that can be injected into us from the outside world, but never truly reaches our depth of what it means to be human. Nothing can take away your inner peace in this way instead it floats on the surface where the inner peace can either absorb it through embracing what is said or create an identity to generate anger, isolation, retreat, the common energy of the emotional body which produces fear. We shared our journey out of this energy of inner peace, no judgements created, no sense of self created, just the unconditional love that can be accessed through the story the story teller told to allow us to show that true love can stand by itself without the need of negativity of the activated mind that sees itself in annihilation of being found out. If you say somewhere inside I am a doctor, I am a lawyer, I am a god, or I know others who are prestigious in their field of work in this world. You are no different than a homeless person sitting knowing that true love is there, it is there to say I am something in ego that needs to be heard. This voice is not the voice of love this is the voice of created negative energy that is seeking conditions on something that can be transmuted into unconditional. Here is something to look deeply within and embrace in such a way that you see the present moment more clearly! Any form of negativity that you hold onto is a deeply unconscious start or level that doesn’t want positive change. It threatens an identity created in ego that would threaten the identity to use the energy of anger, depression, rejection, abandonment or the like. It’s purpose to attack and defend it’s mental position you have inside your mind will then seek the way of sabotage, ignoring, denying, and seeking what is said as a means to keep others from seeing the point of finding true love to include the deep love within yourself. This energy of negativity inside of each of us, don’t see how this works when you embrace your true inner peace. This is found in the deep love you are concealed in the deep inner peace of what is! Face death for example. When you face this to it’s core you see the truth that we all will share this no matter what we are. You can be a millionaire on a yacht traveling the world, a homeless person sitting in the bitter cold. A person who doesn’t use the internet or social media to inject the negativity in the world….. You will be as we all are you will one day die, the negative and positive energy that made you up will become a present moment experience and will go into silence and the deep peace will be all that is there. The truth of negative will finally embrace you, and how you use this as a negative pollutant will now be used for the air that is breathed in this world without you in it! It will then be apparent that the negative thoughts that kept you hidden to form that we all have in human will now be passed on to someone who will take your place injecting to identify with a mental position of who is right or wrong! In this case the self would be! In the wild life there are predators and prey all of which follow the circle of life, there is love there that doesn’t have a thought process and doesn’t make living and dying or even I am better than you or more deserving than you a reason to attack yourself or others. It just flows within the energy as it is! If you find your inner peace you will find the deeper overwhelming love that comes with it. It has both negative and positive energy and it flows through you as it does all creatures on the planet! Just don’t attach the mind to it and it will show you the most deep love. Not what we do to each other but what in truth you do to yourself. True healing comes from the inner peace we can reach with each other because we are the same regardless of social status. Negative emotions contain a deep message inside of it, as do illnesses of any kind, are you curing cancer of placing a band aid on it! When you reach the truth of what is negative you will realize how you have created it through ego where it never needed this at all to spark this illusion of the physical. If something sparks you as negative see the truth, it is sparked to ask you one simple thing, are you connected or disconnected from being, which is human and not! When you embrace being fully present you no longer seek unconscious behavior for the world to see you embrace a conscious love the world can feel. Not because it is true outside you but because it is true within you! When someone says something to you that sparks negativity in you, instead of attacking, defending, or withdrawal let it pass through you, become transparent to the energy that comes to you, not resistant which will create an ego in you to emerge to do that very thing. It is a self that is created with mental position and not a spiritual one that embraces what needs to be felt in the deep despair of being that keeps you from your inner peace and can infect others in their inner peace. The primary is the most important! Know that forgiveness inside is that it requires giving up the hope that the past can be any different and forgiveness in this present moment is to offer no more resistance to what is! Being vulnerable enough to become invulnerable to all things is acceptance. It offers you to see others unacceptable behavior and see that the ego becomes activated from the story and the story teller that makes them right and everyone else wrong! No one has power over your inner state of peace except you, when you live in that you will then want everyone to access it for it is there place of being, it is where joy and resistance meet to be transmuted into peace which you are made up of. You are the deep ocean blue when you find this within you, not without you! Love deeply, Clark

Eye C U vibrational unconditional love!

 

Eye see you vibrational unconditional love

Vibrational Energy of unconditional love

What is this exactly, well it is the true source of what the statement above implies, what we don’t see about this in energy is what this does to us without seeing it in truth.

The vibration we experience that rattles us into being always gets a push outward we don’t see how this pushes us inward. The echoes of what we become by the story we have kept inside causes this path and that path to keep us from being.

See this as a chime of sorts, we can hear it outside and dont really hear it from inside the chime, where the ringing is even louder.

If that wasn’t enough then see how this energy of connection does this to the liberty bell, the size is enough to see and hear the ringing for miles away and inside the bell is such a vibration going on, the shear age of the liberty bell matters not for the ringing and vibration continue even after can no longer hear it, how long do you think that happens? It happens for moments we don’t see because we live mainly outside ourselves in the illusion we are not able to experience what is inside of us.

So when you find a great love how does this show up when your bell is rung, it is ringing outward and we don’t see the obstacles of vibration that it has to get around inside because of the traveling done to reach our core as it does start to ring from inside you. It does get to the core that is why we lose so much in time, we start creating a thought process of how this will either be right or how this will be completely wrong.

Most who are in the despair of darkness can’t see the light, not even seeing that they are the light, and you shine this inward, you separate the being, from the ego which ignites the ego stronger creating a false self that says almost anything and everything. You can see the truth about what obstacles your story has created and you carry that, some even make the statement I have been healed!

The story is what you say inside yourself and give permission to the word healing. All healing happens and it is always on going, other than that it can lie dormant with a distorted view of what the condition are that are keeping you from cementing in unconditional love.

True love happens with the word that is first in it, true which is truth. Here is where the ego keeps you locked away from paradise and it keeps this as way to keep you from yourself and your true radiant place in being.

You have to unlock the truth and see that healing is what the word implies, you heal in past and in future always in the present moment. What you don’t hide is brought into the light and what you don’t keep locked away can no longer keep the story as the same story!

Many come and see that work has to be done, and when they go into themselves they see the deeper meaning beyond how the world of healing gives you to your true state of being. If you embrace the truth, then it renders what you see in the world as your illusion so much is granted in how you can unlock everything. Including the impossible!
How do you experience true unconditional love, is there conditions keeping you from truly seeing it and do you see that seeking this outside is hindered by the inside of you that has to go through all of the story to reach you?

What if the truth was that all positive and negative energy has created the path for you to see this more clearly in going in and doing the work to make the bell ring even deeper to feel your truth in connection. We can keep this lock on so long before it does the echoing needed to shine the radiant true love you can experience.

How do you unlock your truth? How do you keep your secrets hidden? What would happen to you if what you said was healed inside had to be gone into again to see yourself more clearly? How much love would you send out then without the variables of obstacles that can open you to the truth?

How much love would you embrace if you could be more transparent to see it ringing within you!

Love deeply,

Your soul!

Healing Series: June Month of Love!

Love what is it?
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Many of things have been written on this topic and what it means in truth. We have spent many of existences trying to signify what this ability is. When we love, we do this from a place inside that says we are something more!

Some love in material, some love in physical, and some are just not sure how to access love in the way it doesn’t have conditions.

The more pure love is without conditions the more powerful it can be to give it not just to others but to oneself. What are conditions to love, it is the thinking that infects it. examples of this are;

I love you but,
I love you and,
I love you except,
I love you yet I can’t,

All love of self, whether just being, (being meaning inside yourself) which is primary in self love, means not seeking the love in yourself in the mind. In the mind you will have thinking of past, future, right or wrong, statements of self that are illusionary at best.

Why does the mind need to be involved here and what if it is? This can be a story we say inside the mind, inside the body, a story that has a good or bad narrative. This story has such a way of infecting us in the mind and not seeking the truth about the love we are regardless. If you are reading this, and you can suddenly feel your heartbeat, then realize you are connected to love in such a way, that no story, no matter of thinking can say you are not love. Your heartbeats in sync with the person sitting next to you in school, work, or other.

The difference in all love is the story we tell ourselves about love. I was infected by the story and the story teller did such a narrative that made it possible for me to ignore the truth about all things love and also gave me a reason to think my love was tainted and a mess. All love is messy in this way. We see each other and don’t see the love, we see the physical manifestations of love but the illusions created by the story we have keep us from the depth this love can give us.

It matters not what you do with your story as far as love is concerned. Some of the most powerful moments in love have no mind regardless of what the mind will tell you. Just a simple embrace of the arms around you. The holding of ones hand, the soft touch of the jawline or even my dear favorite that my mother used to do rub my head. I know sounds kind of like a dog but as we are shown affections in love growing up we seek those that will give us these same affections as a matter of trust and of love. My mother was also very prominent of looking into our eyes to see if we were in there. At least that is what I remember from way back when.

In moments of the now, I miss those times, I know that my energy becomes almost sad as I wish I would feel those moments again, as they rarely happened to me as I got older. Yet it seemed to get my attention outside of my story as they did. I suffered a lot in my story, not feeling good enough, not feeling deserving of that kind of affection. This love was left empty and my material way of love became more of what I was seeking. For they did teach me how to be a provider and not asking or speaking about what I truly needed and wanted feel inside the story of I don’t deserve it, I am not good enough to receive that from anyone. Yes this story has such a way of showing itself to the world inside of me.

I do get to experience it when I go inside and keep my eyes closed and I can feel the love she knows she gave me and I know I experienced.

We have a choice to see the conditions we have on love, whether it could be that someone in pain caused us pain, and then we point at them and make them out to be the martyr. Yet what we do have is a choice. The choice to love them anyway and stay out of harms way for them to keep hurting us and only be there when they see they are hurting themselves in their actions and inside of their story.

If you are in love with yourself do you see the conditions you have in yourself that need to be removed? Can you see the truth of what would happen if you removed them? How deep would you love if you made this one condition on love which is to have no conditions to truly experience how beautiful you are to experience it?

If you were to lose all material in this moment, what would you give to show your love to yourself?

Love is not just a way of being, it is truly the ability to let go!

Love deeply,

Clark

Healing series 2014 May: the fear be with you!

What is fear?

fear
At some point in our lives we all experience it. Our heart beats faster; we find it hard to breathe; the muscles in our body tense; our brain seems to shut everything else out and the focus shifts to the terror that has changed us emotionally and physically. We are experiencing fear.
So why does fear exist and do we have power over it? Fear according to researchers evolved in all animal species as a defense mechanism. It is a way for the brain to change the body chemistry so that future dangerous situations will create a stimulus, serving as an early warning system. This gives us an ability to determine a course of action that will increase our chance of survival. The chemical response in some cases is so strong it can cause physical and emotional paralysis and impede us from helping ourselves! When that paralysis is not experienced, the body then faces the fight or flight response in defense.
Some fear is healthy, being afraid of bodily harm from a potential attacker for example. Some fear is destructive and damaging, like feeling we cannot be honest with our partners for fear of judgment or ridicule. When we feel fear we need to remember that it’s a call to action. Unlike other animals we are able to choose how we respond to those feelings of dread.
In 3rd grade I was bullied and picked on by bigger kids, and my instinct was to fight. Eventually I was expelled from school and my father began spanking me with a belt as punishment. This punishment taught me to fear his spanking more than the bullies’ beatings. For the rest of my youth I backed down from every altercation. I did nothing to defend myself from the beatings of my peers; allowing them to label me a coward and hopefully leave me alone. I grew up in a very tough area so I got beat a lot. Today I am 44 years old and I have no memory of the physical pain I endured from those beatings, but the pain of not defending myself, of feeling like a coward–that pain lived inside me for so long that I can still feel the shame today if I allow it. When I was 18 I no longer had to fear my father’s punishments for defending myself and I began to stand up for myself again. This did not stop me from getting bullied on occasion, but interestingly enough I don’t remember an ounce of the physical pain; all my mind can recall is the humiliation of a loss, that helpless feeling of not being able to defend myself, that fear that someone else had gotten the better of me.
As I got older I began to read self-help books and to study why I and others thought and acted the way we did. In one of the books I was reading I came across one of the most profound thoughts ever, an acronym that defined what fear really was. The acronym was False Evidence Appearing Real. When I read that it instantly spoke to me. Whether an aggressively intimidating person, an inescapable, unpleasant situation, or a dreaded decision needing to be made, the feeling in all these situations was the same: fear. I finally realized that no matter what the evidence was I was selecting the meaning of it and assuming the worst case scenario. It reminded me of when I was little and I lied to stop my dad from spanking me. The reality was that I lied out of fear; but my punishment never turned out to be as bad as I had assumed it would.
This realization gave me one of the most effective tools for change and success in my life, I understood that only I could determine what had power over me, only I could assume what the consequences where going to be, only I could determine if fear would empower me to act in my defense or paralyze and control me.
Fear is real and it can be a healthy emotion, but do yourself a favor and remember that it’s only a call to action. Your choice is Fight or flight, and sometimes flight is necessary, but too often flight is chosen as the easy way out. As a former coward I can attest that it is easier to run away than it is to stand and fight for yourself. I can say with authority that just because you successfully ran away from your fear, you have not escaped it. Often times the long term damage you will cause by not standing up for yourself, your ideals, the truth, will be very difficult to heal from, because you will know that the fear conquered you.
Today you can make the decision that fear won’t stop you from telling the truth; it won’t stop you expressing your love for someone; and it can’t prevent you from standing up for yourself. Today if you’re feeling fear answer that call to action, and let fear know you’re back in charge of your life.

 

 

J.Austin.Ward
Email: j.austin.ward@gmail.com
Follow on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Personal-Empowerment-And-Relationship-Coaching-PEAR/749287711768150

Take a listen this was powerful as Josh and Lee discuss truth and how it is with fear!

 

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/relationship-reinvented/2014/05/05/relationship-reinvented-2014-healing-series

Healing series April 2014: The truth is the TRUTH!

 

Polyamory truth

Healing series… Evolution of truth!
In the dominant side of thinking, we often have a voice that says things to us! This thinking is of course a protective nature or so we see it as being a protective nature that says things are ok, or not ok. When this thinking occurs, we of course can see that the truth can be as messy!  This say’s somewhere inside that a lie is ok.   It could be that you have to hide something about yourself! It could be that you are already rejecting, abandoning, or playing a mental record of something that once was. All of those are lies in a sense.

If you are rejected, do you make it ok to reject yourself? If you said no, then wouldn’t there be no discomfort on what you say rejection is. For you are holding yourself, and don’t need validation of any kind to tell you that you have been dismissed, or removed.

What about Abandonment? If someone has abandoned you, and you are hurt, and are in suffering from something that was long ago, are you trapped in lying? The answer should be yes! Yes as in the present moment you didn’t abandon yourself and now don’t make someone else responsible for it as time makes no difference you can give yourself the love that was missing in all moments and your sense of self is not going to suffer in the present moment.

When you evolve in truth, you evolve within truth. You see the pitfalls that can occur, come from not seeing the path the truth wants you to come to. If you see actions of energy outside you that you say can be repeated, and that it is still happening isn’t this in itself a lie?

In this radio discussion listed from this past monday’s healing series our dear friends Josh (a polyamorous male) with his wife Karen (a monogamous woman) shared how their truth about who they were became revealed and how deep the truth melted them to who they are together.
This was a very powerful understanding of how standing in your truth can give you the greatest love you ever experienced and how it continues to grow!
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/relationship-reinvented/2014/04/21/relationship-reinvented-2014-healing-series

 

Love deeply,

Lois and Clark
aka Sherry and Lee

Healing series: How do I stand in my truth?

writing on the wall

 

How do I stand in my truth?
One of the most uncomfortable challenges of being human is seeing the truth vs. a lie.. We are born into this world without experiencing both positive and negative, so to not understand how we learn to tell the truth or a lie is unknown to us…
As we are infants we see energy we see those that show us love, some show us like and some show us something else.. As we come out of infancy we experience things more common in communication, Bobby is hungry. Mommy, Daddy and there are a list of words… Then as we get just a few years more.. The things we see are explained or not explained.. This part is where the lies begin, we are told we are to young to understand, or words are spelled out in front of us to exclude us from things. Or the energy is offset and we have no explanation why. We in turn start to say this energy is something we caused.. Therein lies the first of many lies.. As young as we are we start to say things inside. We don’t see it and don’t comprehend it, we just know that we are seeking the unknown and when we don’t have words or are shut down for any reason we know that we are experiencing something we now make something about something we are feeling on the inside.

Depending on what others say to us or how their energy is to us, we hear a voice inside that starts to say things that mostly leave us without a purpose or an identity in purpose. We have a mind that starts to generate this and state that and it really never is that someone says something hateful to us, we say it to ourselves…
Now as you can imagine this becomes based in a space that causes us to view everything skewed.. Is there truth to what you see? Not really, it depends on what you are surrounded by when it comes to understanding the actions of others, whether it be your father, your mother, your siblings or just in general other kids.. If you are bullied it can even be magnified even more.. This lie is a lie hurting others because of the lies that say inside that violence or bullying is a way of being in the world. Picking on someone who hurts worse than you do, it is all filled with lies.. Lies that you are not worthy of love, you are not much to anyone, no one can be nice to you, you are disabled from love… This is all the myriad of lies we have.. It starts with our first form of abandonment. rejection, abuse, punishment, confusion with no real explanation that creates a place to understand the actions. You see it can go way deeper than what I am even stating here. Broken trust in what anything is for what it is, because you know love within you!

You know it yet it doesn’t show itself to you, because of the things you have within you without seeking the truth in it. I had seen a little boy recently, he was sad… and I said are you ok? He looked at me and with the saddest most beautiful eyes he said to me… I don’t have a daddy… I said yes you do, I will be your father… He said well what about my real dad, I said son, every father has had a father that possibly didn’t show him the love that a dad can give. I can give you this.. The little boys eyes welled up and I held him why we both cried.. It was the most powerful hug I ever felt… As he cried he screamed, why doesn’t he love me? why doesn’t he want to see if I am ok? Why doesn’t he call me? What did I do that was so bad, I will take it back! I will be a good boy… The more I held him, I listened to him cry out.. all of his truths… He just wanted his father to love him, and tell him he was worth the world to him, and that he was proud to have him as his son. I listened as I heard the lies begin…

I am worthless, I don’t want to be anything when I grow up, I am not good enough for anything, I am not worth loving… I hurt inside because my father wishes I was never born… My heart was breaking for this child.. I couldn’t hold him any tighter for fear I would hurt him. I said it just isn’t true… He said yes it is! As loud as this boy was screaming I could feel the pain coming from him, coming from what he felt inside. The fear, the abandonment, the torture he was under from being attacked from his mind over and over. He finally said… I hate my father… I said Son… you can’t hate your father it just isn’t true none of it.

He tried to pull away… I said what is a father to you? He said not the man who is my father, and I said so how can you hate him for being something he is not? He paused… it was as though something in him shifted.. He was quiet for a long time and then wiped tears from his eyes and said… What do you mean how can I hate him for something he is not? I looked at him and said do you know your grandparents? Grandma or Grandpa his parents? He said yes, I said what do you know about them. Well I know my grandma very well, I see her all the time, and I said what about your grandpa, well he died when I was young but he wasn’t there much for the family! So I said well son, if his father wasn’t there for him, where would you father learn to be a father? His silence was overwhelming. I said you know that pain you feel for your father not being here for you? He said yes! I said can you forgive your father for not knowing how to be a father to you? He said I guess so…. I then pulled him back and looked into this child’s eyes. I said son… No matter what you say inside, your father loves you, he loves you but to be something he was never taught to be with no template how successful will he be? would he make a good father to you?

His eyes as swelled as they became, looked at me and said I suppose not! I looked deeper into him and could see a release from what he felt in anger. I said do you realize how deeply he does love you can you feel it in your heart, that even thought he is not in your life, that heart beat you have is the most unconditional love he gave to you?

He said yes… so I said don’t reject the heart that beats for you.. love you so you can love others and more than that forgive what you don’t know for being upset with things you can’t know will only create suffering. Can you stand in this truth?

Yes, well I am your father and I will be for as long as I am breathing. It was then I felt such tears… Yes the little boy was me and I was speaking to the inner child that always seems to show himself when he isn’t connected inside.

 

How do you stand in your truth?

 

 

Love deeply,

Clark

 

 

Out on a limb Trust! Healing series March Trust 2014

 

life-is-too-short-to-wait_large

Trust Out On A Limb …

 

 

How you trust and what you trust are significantly impacted by the way you can kiss someone and won’t let go!  You hold back, you hold back, from the place inside that has been hurt in love, hurt inside and no way of turning back the hands of time to remove the place inside you that expects or better still trusts that you will be hurt.

 

This is so common and so powerful it just doesn’t effect what happens to you when you are intimate, but it happens when you are able to communicate with anyone..  You will not trust telling them your truths, not trust telling them what you feel because a dismissal of what you feel is going to suffer and it makes you suffer from the suffocation of not being heard, not being understood, not being loved for whatever may come out of you.   This strikes your security and hurts you sense of self in the most violent way, your trust is compromised by your thinking and your thinking does the protection of how you suffer.  Isn’t this backwards, shouldn’t you be able to share what is going on inside you without feeling broken, without feeling a sense of self that is completely distraught.

 

So many use the term go with the flow where the flow with them is in disruption!  The thinking begins and it becomes a disconnection of the self in ways that no one ever truly sees.  This is painful as the pain body becomes awakened by the sense of silence that is placed in a box where inside you are left screaming for not being heard.  What does this have to do with Trust you may ask.  Well inside you begins the words, no one is listening, no one believes, I can say this or keep this in here, it is best to keep this hidden.   You now will have a root that your trust can never flourish because of this belief, because of the words that stay in you that says you can’t speak what you feel.  Rejection of the self is the most common form of trust that can be broken.

 

You will become molded into being a specific way because you think you can’t trust what you feel and you can’t trust that you can tell anyone what you feel.  The lies begin to become powerful inside and you will say things that will hurt others without not even seeing that you are only infected with the lies you keep inside.  As you find this form of abandonment in what trust is within you, something shifts.. Something is lost, something is silent in you and something is isolated.   You then will find a place where you can just be safe inside yourself and unless it is activated, will you activate the broken trust in you.

 

What is it to activate the broken trust in you? Let’s say you recently are broken up with someone and you got hurt because your trust was impacted, it is not uncommon to say I need time to heal where in the healing process you find fault in something you did or didn’t do and now will say something is wrong with you, you will either be single for a long time, or try and get back out there yet your sense of being able to be with someone will be less than, or more than depending on what happen to your trust in yourself to be with someone else who will not hurt you.  You even trust the story that you have experienced and it keeps you from ever truly healing.  You don’t trust your own choices, how is that healing?  You don’t trust that what you will find in someone else will be their trustworthiness to always be honest with you.  To not hurt you like you once were hurt.  Your mind is always in active in overdrive, because of what you experienced and it becomes painful to you, not because of them, but because of your sense of self that suffered with no true healing.   What is true healing? True healing is the moment you say why don’t I trust?  You go into it, you go into what says your trust is broken.  Have you experienced something like this only to find that you can’t fix what is broken because you want or need to give responsibility to someone else to fix this!  Yet no one will ever be able to get close enough to you because you have stated the core statement of why no one ever will… The statement is I was hurt by someone who betrayed me infecting my trust in them and myself.  The ultimate betrayal is not found in what was done to you, but what was done to the sense of self that says you can’t be with anyone else now because of this, or you can’t trust your own choices now because of what has happened.

 

In every moment you trust… we don’t see it this way but it is the truth. You trust that others who are driving down the same road as you have control over their own vehicle, you trust that the electric company will keep on your electricity, you trust that your internet will not go down before you reach the end of this post.

 

You see trust is activated in everything we do, yet it remains broken in connection by choices and by not seeing the impact of those choices to our core trust we have in everything.   What changes would you make if you could wake everyday and be able to go out on a limb and trust completely?

 

Would you cry in all moments because your trust was broken?  Or would at some point you trust yourself again to trust everything again not being stuck in the time machine of what was and making yourself suffer from a trust that may have been challenged?  It should never keep you from the truth of connection or the truth of what trust can give you inside yourself.

 

When you look at this under the light of how this was written here…

 

What would you do with the trust you currently have and would you change any part of it?  If so when?

 

Love deeply,

 

Clark

 

 

Trust in your life? Healing series March week 3 2014

When-Trust-is-BrokenWhat is trust if you don’t have it in your life? or what if it is broken?

 

As a child I always trusted in everything, as I did this it was abandoned in nature, I cried a lot, not because I was abandoned by anyone in truth, but because my thought process betrayed me and I trusted that it would.

 

No matter how deep you see into what you experience, or did experience, or what is to experience, you will lose something in yourself that doesn’t keep you planted in yourself.  You can feel the trust escape in this way.  You trust you will experience everything that is harmful to your being human..

 

Being human…. How do you trust being human when you trust in a way that is only going to give you what you ask for in trust.   You trust you will be alone, you trust that you will be enraged, you trust that you will be without, and then all of that manifest itself to give you what you asked for in the first place.

 

When you say you just want to be happy do you trust this? Do you just go into the present moment and elect in trust to be happy?  Do you feel trust is always a moment away or that it was something you had back then?  What is trust defined as?

 

As a noun it is ….. a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

 

As a verb it is….. Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of.

 

Although it seems it is action, it is an energy!  How does trust become energy, really go into this here for this is the awakener that we found we didn’t even pay close enough attention to as we thought we were losing our minds.  When you lie inside you then become immersed in what that lie is not protecting, it is not protecting you or protecting those that love you.  You hurt inside because of this and you don’t trust what the truth can give you!

 

Let me give you something that I trusted inside myself.. and you tell me what choices you would have made.  I trusted that I was always going to get hurt by others, I trusted they were hearing me, but not listening.

 

Even the core of why I found myself which this inside my deep love I have for the love of my life, made statements to me, to challenge my trust to challenge, what I was feeling.  “My love is even a part of this, she said to me “Clark! You are up here!  And the rest of us are down here!”

 

This was said to me over and over as I had started to find my awakening.  It hurt, not because I thought I was higher or embracing a higher self, or lower self than what was outside me to now be awakened by interactions,  but because I was waking up rapidly and my trust was expanding inside me. The things that were said would hurt me, and I would think in ego to become quite frustrated.  Not seeing it was ego in hurt, as a defense of trust saying, I couldn’t be heard… and I trusted it completely. I trusted I would be better off keeping my awaking to myself in silence.  I tried to contain what I was going through, I tried to explain what the pain was inside of me, and as I continued on my path I realized I wasn’t doing anything with the trust in what I was experiencing an allowed myself to trust in completely.

I did realize that I couldn’t see higher or lower, all I could see was what was within… I trusted what I was experiencing in that moment as I do now.. What was in that, what is seen as higher is unattainable what is seen as lower is easier to go to, yet it gives you the outside view of the truth.  What could I trust by finding what most call the higher self.. I trusted that going inside was the truth to what this was. I trusted that the answers coming from me where the truth about this thing that most need to attain to be.

 

I didn’t need to come to a higher way of thinking, I went into A inner part of being.

 

I could see that this was there as a truth to be something more, it was the undiscovered places inside of us that we aren’t paying attention to, to trust.   I trusted in my own pain, I trusted I needed to go into the pain to see what it was,

 

I trusted in my desire to find the depth of love, only to realize it goes deeper than we can see cause we are beings of trust, who trust out, not trust in!  If you haven’t seen the connection to how you trust in yourself vs what you trust outside yourself,

 

What would you trust in you as a human being here to dive into something within you that calls to you?

 

Well Clark, how does one go to a path no one is talking about doing?

 

How much attention is paid to how you trust your heart will keep beating in this moment? How much love is that capable of to do that very thing?

 

To answer the simple question, What is trust if you don’t have it in your life? This question is false in you…

 

You trust that you can read this and you do! You trust you will get to something and you do!  You trust your heart will continue to give you unconditional love and it does, for you wouldn’t be able to read this right now and say wait a minute do I trust deeper than I think.

 

The answer is YES!

 

Your knowing knows this, and it trust it will wake you to the depth that what you say in words will not impact the unconditional love your heart will give you when you stop and pay close attention even the pain that can be felt from thinking will lessen when you focus the energy of trust that your heart is giving you in all moments.

 

Isn’t that the source of where trust derives from in the first place?

 

 

Isn’t it the source of all?

 

Love deeply,

 

Clark

Powerful awakening of what happens to our core when we trust inside ourselves!  Watch below!

Do you trust those that love you? Healing series March 2014

trust1

 

 

Do you trust those that love you?

 

 

The intent of trust is something that we still make about other people not seeing that we have broken something inside that is broken inside the self.  Trust is a very powerful word that becomes instilled in us at an early age.  We trust we are not abandoned, we trust someone will protect us from pain or suffering, we trust we will be loved unconditionally.  When this doesn’t happen what does it do to our trust?

 

Well let’s list these 5 things to show you trust in action or as an energy these 5 things are random yet will give you an idea you will find that you will find other words that show up in trust that you may or may not be seeing.

 

Abandonment

Abuse

Loyalty

Communication

Addiction

 

 

Abandonment – if you experienced this as a child born into a world with the love you have inside and you become abandoned by those that are supposed to love you without conditions you will then see that everyone will abandon you, you trust it! You trust as you find love finding you getting older you will trust that it will abandon you and you make choices to be with someone who will abandon you, not because of what happened to you as a child but because of what you told yourself inside that gave you the same energy to abandon yourself and make poor choices to make sure you find abandonment as an energy even someone who normally doesn’t abandon you will be infected with this energy in trust you have for yourself and will abandon you without even seeing that they are getting this energy from something you have hidden within you.  Why not embrace this about yourself to not abandon yourself in this? Wouldn’t this be how you remove or heal this very thing?

 

 

 

Abuse – You lost trust because you were abused and you trust that you will be abused again feel the emotional truth of this and it will be a way to keep you protected, isn’t that trust? You even will find abusive relationships because the abuse brings you aliveness and you trust this as a part of your aliveness.  It is not as sick as you might think, for the thinking is saying you will be hurt, you will be emotionally distraught where in truth you are distraught even before this happens.  It is dormant for a period of time but in the back of the mind where the ego is accessing this pain and trauma, it exist within the emotional existence of a past experience you call to.  This story inside as the story teller demands this be something you are still a victim of.  Trusting in victim energy is always painful and always addictive. This story is always there for you to trust in.  It’s purpose in trust is that you are pain and that pain has to be emotionally embraced and you must trust in that pain as a way of being.  Not seeing that the trust is very deceiving and that it will only call to more of the same in energy that infected you in the first place.  There are very disturbing truths about what someone endures that will do this to others. Yet when it happens to you, it infects you and takes you over and you trust that it will and so it does.

 

 

 

Loyalty – If your loyal it is a trust factor because you see that being on someones side is always a way to receive trust in return.  Yet when this is lost with one and then another and then something else. You will hide inside and keep to yourself, you will even say you can’t trust anyone and those who shouldn’t be trusted find you highly attractive whether for a love relationship or other.  They will betray you because you emit the energy of betraying yourself from what has happened to you. We raise ourselves to break cycles… the cycle of what this trust does breaks that breaking of cycles.  In other words when you stop trusting yourself you no longer become loyal to yourself and then others who are not loyal to you or themselves will find you.  So you decide to find someone who won’t hurt you and you find someone safe who won’t do you trust they will find out why you choose them and then the trust of that trust in them will start to be questioned?  Trust you will find loyal and you will but trusting that you are not able to trust yourself will give you this for a little while and the symptoms of this will give you something else in this process.

 

 

 

 

Communication – You trust that someone will communicate with you and when you stop communication you expect them to give you the communication you stopped giving to them.  Do you trust that they will give you something you won’t give them or yourself?  Yes, you in there deep somewhere in you, you do!  It is not on purpose it is by energy in purpose the broken record of communicating the same thing over and over again which is toxic to all communication especially the communication shared on this planet.  We even use communication to attack in ways to communicate broken trust that we will be harmed in the process thus elevating this truth and it is returned. We are hurt because we trust that we will be hurt.  Do you see the energy in motion this causes us is directly embedded in how we communicate without trust.  Recently we had someone come to us about someone they met, they told them they were single because the last relationship they had they were cheated on again… they said they always seem to be cheated on.  Do you know what energy transpired from this? Do you trust that what this communication did was actually seeking this type of energy to begin with?

 

 

 

 

Addiction – When you trust that you have an addiction isn’t that only giving the addiction power. I was a sex addict, I was addicted to sex, and when I told myself that I felt an overwhelming feeling, it made it easy of saying well it is a part of me that I can trust.  And so, it made it so!  Addiction to anything is a trust behavior that allows the symptoms to be dismissed instantly. You will not easily accept what the root of those symptoms are, you trust that you have it to cope with everything. The deep truth is in the dark to you and when you feel dark it only activates the trust you put in your addiction! I know this for it was me in all the addictions I could become addicted to.  The darker you felt in the addiction the more you can trust that very thing will help you continue to feel dark.  Trust is powerful it is a dependable friend that the ego can use to make you pay for being disconnected from yourself thus being disconnected from everyone else. Making sure you can trust any lies and seldom any truth that is not being noticed!

 

 

How is your trust? Can you see it clearly?  Is it dependent upon others who will break this trust in you?  Or is this already there in you because you do trust yourself negatively or don’t trust yourself positively?

 

See how trust is being used in ego to make you completely right in what the trust will give you without seeing that it gives you what is broken within you?

 

Do you feel this in truth to trust it?

 

Who would you be if you saw trust in this way? What would you start trusting and what would you stop trusting?

 

Love deeply,

 

Clark