My dream last night was simple, I went on a journey inside of my hands, I was able to feel what my hands felt, it was a journey Ill not forget. I woke up and Clark got up and I called him back over just so I could  touch him, wrapped my arms around him and let my hands feel his skin. The texture of his skin is so soft and warm. I then had a few moments to myself and went off into a quick meditation when I came out I looked at my hands.

My hands held my parents hands as a child, they held my ears when i heard the arguing and the hitting, they covered my eyes, they wrote my name for the first time and they haven’t stopped lol.  My hands held my children , changed their diapers,soothed their fevered foreheads, my hands cook dinner for my family, set the table for family dinners, they have tucked many gifts from the tooth fairy under pillows, they have wrapped many presents, they have zipped backpacks, they have hit in protection. They have raised to cover for protection, They fold in prayer, they open in meditation,they have pet precious family pets, they have painted walls, cleaned carpets, washed dishes, they have planted flowers, they have planted vegetables and fruit, they have held the cold hands of loved ones who have passed, The have written letters form my heart onto paper.

My hands hold Clarks, they go through his hair, touch his skin. They are scarred, they are sometimes tired, however they still have so much to do, they have grandchildren to hold, they have flowers to hold, they have words to type, just as they have typed these, They have medicine to give, They are medicine, They are healers, They are lovers, They are friends….Take a look at your hands, appreciate them for what they have done for you, use them wisely in everything they WILL do for you.

What have you have already touched in your life? What will you touch now?



angry-coupleIn Every relationship in our lives, friendships, family, romantic and professional can potentially be destroyed by conflict. The solution is not to ignore the conflict or keep moving around hoping to find the perfect person or perfect people. We need to deal with the problems we currently face, otherwise they will just reappear elsewhere. The only thing we have the power to change in any relationship is ourselves and our own attitude. We can’t expect to change other people, but we can learn to deal with relationships in a way that promotes peace and diffuses conflict. Learning to Resolve conflicts in a relationship is one of the most important life skills we can develop and it is something we need to value.

I believe, it is important to see the problem from the other person’s perspective. This does not mean we have to agree with their viewpoint; it means we try to see the issue from a different perspective. This can at least help us to understand where they are coming from, and why they have their particular mindset. If we can do this we may wish to moderate our stance because we understand why they are acting in a certain way. If we only look at things from our perspective, conflict will certainly arise. A major cause of conflict in relationships is when we expect people to behave in a certain way. The problem with expecting certain behavior is that we get upset when they fail to live up to our expectations. Even those close to us are not our responsibility; we need to be tolerant of their mistakes and limitations. We have to respect their decisions on how to live their life. This detachment is not indifference; we can retain concern , but there comes a point where we need to give people the freedom to make their own choices, even if we don’t agree with them.

Unfortunately, if we respond to situations by getting angry we will make the situation even worse. Anger holds a feeling of aggression and condemnation which people struggle to deal with it. It also calls out and it encourages people to respond in a similar way. If we feel angry, the best solution is to avoid talking , arguing at that particular time. We should calm our anger before confronting other people. Any conflict will only be heightened by anger. Similarly, if people approach us with anger, we have to learn to respond differently ,silence is better than getting mad at someone.

Most of the time we get what we aspire for. If we really value peace in our relationships with others, then we will make it happen. If we make proving the other person wrong or proving ourselves right the priority, then there will be a constant feeling of superiority and inferiority which breeds conflict. If we keep reminding ourselves of the desirability of peace we won’t allow ourselves to become argumentative and miserable.

One of the secrets to maintaining good relationships is generating a feeling of oneness. This means we will feel happy at the success of others; we will sympathize when they experience difficulties; we will strive to avoid hurting their feelings. In oneness there is no superiority and inferiority. Without oneness, we are prone to feelings of pride, jealousy and insecurity. If you feel a really genuine sense of oneness with other people, how can you want to hurt them? Certainly this is the case is romantic relationships, the very last thing we should want to do is hurt the one we are in love with, I know it hurts me to the core when I say anything hurtful to Lee. It should also ring very true in family relationships, every family has conflict, most every time its caused by egos colliding, I have found that ridding myself of my ego has been most helpful, this has removed any and all conflict within myself for anyone I am associated with. I allowed my mind to tell me that without my ego I would be just an insecure human being.

When we are full of insecurities our relationships become more difficult. The problem is that if we are insecure about ourselves we can become judgemental about other people; to make ourselves feel better we will start criticizing others. We may not be conscious of this, but it does happen.(This is why i choose to not let my mind control me) When we are at peace with ourselves, good peaceful relationships come natural. When we have inner peace , we don’t rely on other people to give us security and praise. When we are at peace with ourselves, we tend to have a sympathetic and positive view of the world. Often we want to blame bad relationships on other people; but, actually the only thing we can really do is to work on ourselves. If we develop inner peace  our relationships will definitely improve.

When tense situations arise, talking can be the most effective way of moving past the problem. Some things are best left unsaid; it does no one any good to bring up old conflicts unless absolutely necessary, what has already happened cannot be changed. When talking we should try to talk about positive issues; look for things which we agree on and can work together on.

Don’t get upset about little things. In the great cosmic game, most of the minor personality conflicts are relatively insignificant. If we get mad when someone doesn’t do the washing up, how are we going to react when they do something really bad? If you find yourself getting worked up by a series of small things, take a step back and try to evaluate their relative importance. For each minor failing try to think of a really good quality of that person. If you are sincere you will feel that this good quality is far more important than the minor indiscretion, This is something I have had to step back myself and put into action.

No conflict is difficult. If we are willing to change our attitude,release our egos. we can develop peace even with difficult people. It is always important to be positive and forget the past. If we can develop peace in our relationships, it will definitely make a big difference to our lives.

Live, Laugh, Love



Do you feel it is possible to pass our Karma onto our children?

fathersonrepeatDo you feel it is possible to pass our Karma onto our children?


Feel yes!  Think….. well that is why we don’t see it properly!


Energy is how this happens..  Here is something to ponder, As a child you had parents who got divorced, as you got older you have a child and were married and got divorced.  Now you see this and say how do I break this cycle.  This cycle is apparent is it not?  You never saw how to make a marriage work in essence you weren’t even surrounded by what a connection should be as it became either a drama that was about disconnection or it was just a compatibility issue.  Either way when you experience these things the energy you see is what you view the world from.  Not because of choice but because of Karma, you will view connection as a view you witnessed, repeating the same pattern as a cycle of mistrust and disconnection.


This happens to you, and it is that now you have to be the extension of this result. Evolution is not that we evolve from what we are as human, but what we are as energy to see the why in what we are within.  You do this in a multitude of ways.  You can’t be what you don’t experience is what the mind will tell you.  Which, is why the view is hard to remove, yet what you can do is see it from all the sides, it is trying to show you something.  You may choose a partner who will reflect what your father was to you, If your father abandoned you or wasn’t there for you, emotionally disconnected to you, you will seek someone with these qualities not knowing you have this as a necessary trait. You will even feel the familiar of this person as though you have known them before in a past life, this is the translation we state that makes this even harder to remove from us.  The mind is a constant source of karma energy!


Karma is a flow of energy that you are within based on the view of what you can change about the cycle you are repeating within the mind that was infected. Not because it is a place to be designed within, but how those consequences of those who gave you life showed you how to be within it. This is not the intent, but it is the truth about why you repeat patterns of cycled behavior based on a thought process you are placed within.


All children will start to show you early symptoms of what you experienced in your existence.  As they become 3 or 4 they will have a personality developed that shows them choices from the view they witnessed you are.  This can be survival, this can be how you share with others, this can be how you interact with others.  We laugh it off when they do, yet it is the place this pattern of thought begins that doesn’t keep them in the free love pattern they came from.  The conditions are instilled in this way. Some will be unconditional but once the conditions are placed in thought it becomes the way of existing.


Little Sally is constantly getting a new toy from her daddy who does this as a means to show her love, and her mommy gives her love by telling her how beautiful she is.. do you see how this pattern will bring this child as they come into being say 10 years down the line?  This is how this comes about.  How do you change this? Go back to the source of your own Karma, what developed egoic mode of thinking within you to break you free of this.  This will be how you embrace the root of what this was and is within you in your thought pattern of how you view the world and how you taught this to your own children.  This was a beautiful question it shows how you want to break free from incessant thinking that has kept you in a prison since becoming a mind made you… and will break the effect to the generations to come.  😉


Love deeply,


Breaking Bad the cycle within you… The truth that sets you free!



What is the greatest thing about a spiritual union between lovers?


The truth sets you free….


A spiritual union has a very profound place to point inside you that not only regulates what you experience but it speaks the places within you that are not you all together.  What does that mean exactly?


Well as each of us is born into a energy that is spiritual energy.  We merge into the unconsciousness that we are injected into as growing to know human existence we are within.  What your father is to you, what your mother is to you and what their energy combined gave you in the egoic construct of thinking.


This interactive, yet directive energy is the illusion of what energy is especially when it becomes mastered within thought.  In the search for ultimate consciousness some are either unconsciously seeking a truth that is more illusive, because of these taught traits that are given to us by history, by mankinds thoughts of what to think as an equation of what connection means.


The two energies combined that brought you into this existence are the means to an cycle or an extension as it were.  We don’t gravitate to the understanding that we carry the traits of what our parental beings gave to us, that they lacked in understanding and stand in the energy to see how this energy can be combined with others.


Some will connect almost in a violent exchange of energy that one may be nurturing with energy and the other a vacuum of energy.  The cycled chain of repetitive behavior resumes.  We become flawed in the energy of thought, not the energy of connection that we are always connected to.  We make the choice to see value of what this connection is as a means of material, or means of emotional satisfaction (ego vs. ego, mind vs. mind).


The learned behavior in energy becomes controlling as a mental statement that we are in any moment.  Before we can stay continually connected to another we must embrace what needs to be known about ourselves in the energy that directly connects us to procreate inside of the truth that we are inside of ourselves.  We use a personal or particular way to do this with others.  This method has kept us eluding the connection, in most cases it is why we make the choice to not connect at all.  Instead create the lie we do in connection of not being accepted beyond the underlying lie of what we refuse to understand in ourselves.


For 34 years I thought my way into relationships… At first, without thought, I felt the euphoric energy that happens when you first meet someone and feel the energy that exist in those places outside the mind where it feels true, warm, and connected.  Then thoughts settled in.. are they going to leave me?  Is someone else going to come into the picture? I would create an exit strategy by thought never knowing I was doing this on purpose or result.   Why should I trust this as a mode of thinking where did that stem from.  My mother was a single mother who raised us 3 kids..  She was very spiritual, a hard worker, and was loving in every sense.  Made every sacrifice to do for her children.  The painful part I carried in this was that she was looking for a love that was beyond what love was here in this existence,(this was embedded in me at birth, it was her core feeling in belief.)  Men and alcohol were a part of her coping with what she could never find.  My father who was absent and hardly there, for when he was, his materialistic ways and always being right about whatever his mind was able to find a formula for everything to include survival in social status. It was there embedded deeply in him, he was the authority of thinking, he wasn’t in my existence much but when I finally went to live with him, he was with another family raising them!  He had the nice car, the beautiful woman who was very wrapped up in herself and had to be his priority above his children.  No matter I was his first born, he helped in my creation and abandoned me and I was embedded in being in this cycle.. Doomed I was to repeat it.  This connection was not me, nor was any of the actions of what my parents were to me what I wanted to be in truth, so I created a lie to be exactly what they were.  I never saw the truth in what I was in energy.  The connection in union of spirituality brought all of these to a head.. It wasn’t that I could see that I was living entirely in my head, it showed me in the stream of energy I was in, and didn’t see how others had lived how could I my reality was my thoughts.


Not until I was able to see myself in my connection to Lois would this be my wake up.  I tried to keep her with my mind, I lost her more times than I can count, to include the thought process that wanted to try everything to keep her.  All LIES!!!!!! The truth was not just glimpses of all the things I saw in myself but every lie attached to me that I wasn’t.  This came after great pain.. which needed great healing for a great birth.


I know I am speaking way to long here.. But without this I could not point to the energy in connection that is missed.  The truth in what you are in all moments.  Whether it be fear that is created to not be with someone for fear you will be made a spectacle of, or doubtful because doubt was what gives you protection from what truth you wish to run from. All of this has a root, in what you think and thinking in connection is why connections fail… miserably and mental stances are the reason we are broken and can’t see the truth.


You are energy… You are energy of creation in existence, mind or ego keeps you in one of two places.  Staying safe in your own energy or collecting someone else’s.  You can experience this next time you are next to someone who is seemingly draining you of your energy.  Know that by them doing this that energy they came from did the same to them.  Even in birth.  This is the misuse of connection in energy.. Energy in union within spirituality can give you the truth of your energy to never have this happen to you again.  You can share your energy in union and even with physical separation you are still very much connected making a deeper connection in energy that will give you the truth to be within without any resistance.  This is the steps to spiritual union that within physical, emotional, thoughts or any other kind of energy you can point to that this points in connection. It is why the divide happens.. We have missed it as a matter of being human being taught to be within thought, where thought is the lie in why all connections fail based on core knowing principles that living your life in meditation will show you in how deep you can love you just have to stay deeply rooted in the energy that is you and take the extension of what you were born within and change it by breaking the cycles that give you only an illusionary view of truth!


love deeply,

Clark with input from Lois…  hehehehe

Relationships and you….

fathersonWhat is your view on relationships?

Friend: I believe it is better to first be the right person instead of finding the right person; all else flows from there.

I agree but not without an explanation of this truth!

Relationship has a foundation in truth.. You can always see what you will draw to yourself in how you have your relationship with your birth parents.. If your father left you or your mother left you.. You will seek out the relationships that will challenge this about you inside of yourself.  We don’t make it possible to see how we evolve from this because of the story we become from these very events.  Most are trapped inside of incessant thinking which conditions the experience to be what you don’t want to be as you grow up.  You will duplicate the behaviors without even realizing you are that way and don’t see that what you have become is the same thing your birth parents are inside you.

This funnel shaped illusion is distorted in many of ways.. If your a man in a relationship you will duplicate your fathers actions.  Not because you want or need to but you will duplicate the ways that your father interacted in the world of form. You will be a provider if that is what your father did.. or you will be the runner in the relationship running from communication that will either evade you or keep you evading yourself because you never witnessed this truth that you can have a deeper relationship with yourself it wasn’t present in your existence.

If as a man your mother was the nurturer you will seek out a woman who carries these vibrations and will be in the same mode of sharing what you feel inside with her yet will struggle with ways that she will need or want from you if her father was a nurture and yours was not..

It is the cycle of energy that you are within that will be the truth that we make an illusion.  How you accept this as your truth will be what you will plant inside yourself as the seed of truth to be more not just for anyone else but for yourself… You will become right in the mind.. Hence the need for the mental position you will always expose to others.

You will not seek the patterns of what has been in your existence you will create an all new one that will give you the love you have found inside from the places in you that were either missing or lacking as you have come into this existence.

The truth is the vibrational energy of dysfunction hasn’t been looked at in this way as it isn’t something we have been able to see because of the minds content across the 9 billion humans on this planet. It to has a place for you to be in survival mode and how you will exist depends on this mode of aliveness.. It is when you can break this barrier that you can find what the relationship is to yourself and how you take anything and absorb it the way that you did as a child as this child still is now within you.

A child who will not get nurturing love or witness nurturing love from his father will not be nurturing to anyone else who is male or female. It will have an impact as the child will see this as a way of existence.   This is not something he will see, he will make this about what everyone else experiences and wonder what the fuss is about..  He will either stay in the lines of what is known and figure this out or become buried within it blaming everyone else for what he has experienced.  It isn’t truly blame it is without this experience that he will make these choices as though no other choice exist.

Making the statement I will not be like my father or mother does one thing.. It traps you in the paradox of becoming more like them either to the extreme or the strength to break from these cycles has something else to give.  The truth!  The truth is love is not of these things and the relationship of being true to what you can share in love has more doors that can be open.  It never means to be closed.. just these experiences do the one thing that we all miss when it comes to relationships.  The truth in connection.

You are not playing a role, you are a heartbeat able to go fast or slow and share this in either case. It doesn’t take expression of what you learned, it takes expression of what you feel.. If I can’t share it, don’t fault me for being on the side of dominance that was given to me as a characteristic in ego to keep me in mind dominated form.  This is the ground in which all relationships are fundamentally created on. The platform is see with eyes that stay in the moment yet the moment the child is in waiting for these events to come to pass.  Break this mold.. break this cycle.. Realize you are more!

Love deeply,


The mirror of self esteem….


How many times have you betrayed yourself?  We project hate in what we hate about ourselves.. We become what we hate..when we see it in another, we will attack, we will be angry, but the truth is.. We can externally attack those that mirror something we don’t like about ourselves.  How do you do your work to fix this?  How else does pain become amplified without doing this work?


ALL Self hatred always come with a price.. We attack those that give us the betrayal we do to ourselves..


We don’t see our relationships in this way cause we don’t seek the relationship we have with ourselves, We seek external relationships to cover this up.. we seek external validation, we seek external comfort, when we don’t get it, we give ourselves the painful experience…  When someone gives us a hug are they holding the complete you if you never do?


We get mean, hateful, and we don’t honor who we are inside…


Truly successful people want to empower you to do what is right inside you, not for them, but for you…


We mimic what we have seen…  The broken mirror syndrome is in effect in this way. How many cracks a broken mirror can have are determined in the ability to heal yourself.  If you have been hurt and you neglect the hurt and even make this simple statement I need time to heal.. Is this asking for permission to hold onto that hurt a little longer?  What do you need it for?  What is it’s purpose?



So what we do, we hold unrealistic demands and expectations from everyone else to exclude ourselves….


So how do we do our work and heal what this is within us?


How do we become love instead of seeking it outside ourselves and making others responsible for it?


No one is going to make you number one when you don’t make yourself number one.. How do you wake up to make this important to you?  If pleasing someone is Important for you to give to another, then realize this will be done poorly because you lack to experience the truth that you are not giving it to yourself…


How you embrace this truth is how you either do or don’t make your giving a lie…


Have you ever told someone something that was told to you in confidence and then someone did that to you..


You did the energy to make it true.. You make yourself a victim, yet don’t see why you don’t need to be angry… Angry gives the other power and you powerless….


Trust is what we give ourselves to know the difference.. If you are betrayed by yourself you will give others this permission…



The healing that we ignore or can’t see inside of ourselves has a reflection of something inside we still need to heal.. this can show up in many different forms to include self esteem.  How you embrace this content is the minds way of showing you either the following is true or false.


He/She doesn’t listen to me, or look at me anymore.

I blame everyone for things that happen to me.

I blame my father for not being in my life or if he was he was absent in my growth.

I blame my mother for not being in my life or if she was she was absent in my growth.

I care dearly for others and their well being to include sacrificing myself to do so.

I do everything for everyone and ignore my needs allowing theirs to come first.



If any one of these statements is your way of seeing things then I want to push you at the truth… How well do you do at giving anyone anything if this is your state of what you think in what you do and what you send out?  Can a person who takes care of themselves poorly be able to take care of anyone else? Can anyone who incorporates blame be able to give you something they never got?  Isn’t the focus of what is stated here the reason blame has no truth? Or are you saying to yourself you are wrong, just because I don’t give it to myself doesn’t mean I can’t give it to anyone else.  Hmmmm.. we all become mind readers in this sense.. yet a child will always point this truth out for you, to include the child still within you.


If you said yes to this then ask yourself this one very simple powerful question…


What is love to you that you give yourself?

If you still don’t understand the question you now have a starting point!

Do you see how powerful this is..  You have done what the following statements which are victim statements have done to you..  What about what you do to yourself because those have been the lie you tell others and believe inside to keep you from yourself?



Questions that will show you what you send out…  Why doesn’t he or Why doesn’t she?


These are victim statements that claim your self esteem has been taken away.  By who? who are you given permission or taking away from at this point?  Do you see how this may be your permission that is being given or taken away inside yourself?


If your energy is directed in love at someone are you sure that energy is full of love and not the victim statements you have made in your existence embedded in that love?


Recently I listened compassionately to someone who was hurting, anxious, and scared…



They were upset over being alone..  Let’s define alone in this and in all cases…


When I am by myself, I don’t love being with myself. I want to make someone responsible to take this away from me. I will be what they want me to be, until it is time to make this known. If I can hide this from them, I can get over being by myself.  Here I am doing the same thing again, I am pathetic, I am a loser, I need to get a life.  how many of these statements that can be made will be made and will keep you from any growth in love that you can possess. Is this not a fact?


Pay attention to these statements for now that is your story and what it is that you will become.. The story.. Not the truth but the lie itself.  You are always connected.. If you weren’t, your heart would stop beating give you love, would it not?  Your ability to make yourself right in this, is the mind saying it needs this story..  What is a story in your existence?


Do you feel a story about a happy ending is what you seek?  If you are shaking your head yes right now.. I have another place to point…




ENDING…..  the word means what to you?  Are you seeing the total picture?  Are you seeing the concept and realizing you are placing a world of illusion before you that will end… ENDING is there behind happiness.  It doesn’t matter how you say it, Happily ever after…  After what?  EVER AFTER WHAT?


hmmm why not? Happy existence… shared happy truth for this existence.


If you are stating you want a happy ending.. you are stating the obvious are you not?


Happiness is the joy within you that celebrates the animation of god inside of love…  This is the truth how could it not be? Unless or until you seek this, what is it that you claim that you can say that is your love to another?  ESPECIALLY if you lack giving it to yourself to find out!


If that spoke to you, then why is everything about what your not giving yourself, and now realize it enough to start giving it to yourself?


Paint the picture of your existence not someone else’s.. Your purpose, especially since each of us has a purpose, is this one simple thing we all have in common!  Who told you that you didn’t have purpose is the one who sees this and says I need to keep my story.  This story doesn’t need to be read it needs to be written.  By you and the love you are within..



Don’t look to the ocean of stars to tell you this, look within the ocean in you… So much depth there.. so much love there…


If you are trying to fill the hole in you that is within your soul in places of your soul realize this one thing… You have the power within you to fill those holes and create the most beautiful love.. no matter how messy and no matter how painfully violent you see it as being..  This is where the work must be done.  Not for the blame you can give others, but for the love you want others to give you when you start giving it to yourself.


How deep is your self esteem? how deep is your love? how deep is your relationship with yourself?  Need not be critical of you, but critical for you! This pain is the pain of birth.. You will have a beautiful baby love born into everything when you see this for yourself.



How do you cure the addiction to pain..

Find the truth to the addiction… Ever have something sour and you wanted something sweeter.. So you put sugar in it… You taste it and keep adding sugar till it is something sweet…  You add this sugar because of the sour you didn’t like.. You found something to offset it…  This is addiction.. When you have a hole in you that is fragile (missing mother or father that fills you with love you feed into yourself) (sour). You find what you can add to it to take away the sour.. A distraction or substitute for the right thing.  Do you see that?   Drawing to family is sour and the urge to gravitate to sugar is very strong.. What if you become your sugar now.. The hole in your soul that has always needed answers would not just heal. But heal all! Making love sweet… You can become the sugar that is the truth about the love you all feel for each other… You just have to put this ingredient inside yourself!



This post is dedicated to my Lois, for without her pointing into the love I have to give to myself, grew my ability to feel her love in truth!


If the love doesn’t set you free are you sure it is love?



The present moment captured….

“If it is the quality of your consciousness at this moment that determines the future, then what is it that determines the quality of your consciousness? Your degree of presence. So the only place where true change can occur and where the past can be dissolved is the Now.

All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.

Most people find it difficult to believe that a state of consciousness totally free of all negativity is possible. And yet this is the liberated state to which all spiritual teachings point. It is the promise of salvation, not in an illusory future but right here and now.”

Let’s take this child who projects the utmost love for his mother.. and now in front of the world for the first time without his mother to be in front of him… His energy and his soul comes through in the strongest vibrant painful way, he feels lost and feels the unintentional abandonment, fear, sorrow… Yet when in the present moment he is embraced with his mother… she clearly makes him present to feel her and to know she is always with him…  I cried the moment I saw him grab his jaw from the pain he was inflicted into.. projecting a soul in his voice that you truly felt.. you don’t think about it, you truly feel it as though it were your own.

When he finally feels the NOW he totally nails it. His love comes though, even the pain in his soul has love within it. He found this in the moment.. He didn’t think about it. He achieved it and made himself present in the feeling of love!

Make the Now the reason for anything it doesn’t require a reason.. nothing in your past can contain you, nothing in your future will be waiting.  For what you give in the now dictates it all. It is the only place you can place love inside of anything!



I know you are watching over me, I know I am not supposed to be afraid, I know the strength you placed inside me was to always be something that I never denied. I know that when I sleep you place your wings around me to protect me from the place inside me that stays since you left. I remember your heartbeat even from when I was inside you feeling protected. You never let me be without love, If anything you gave me the most precious love of all.

I don’t know what has me feeling you so deeply today, I suppose when I stumbled upon jumpingonclouds It came to me how much you stay with me even when I feel like I am ok with where you are now, I wish you could see how your baby boy grew up in your absents. I know you aren’t absent that is the thing. I know that you have stayed on top of me birthing my gifts to understand what I felt was impossible you showed me the doors to make it possible. I fly every chance I get you left me such a gift to be able to see with eyes that you birthed me with.

I am not done yet, not even close. You showed me my light and I promise to shine it on everyone I can, even those that can’t see it for themselves.  I praise in the name of all that I will continue to be the light that others need when I can’t even see the light myself. You placed such crumbs for me to follow.   I know your shinning down on me every step of the way.  This step and the next steps that never end.

I never knew the words to tell you that you were the perfect Mom.. I feel sad that I didn’t find them then to share with you how important you are in my existence here.  You gave me the strength to find the love you believed in and showed me that it was real.

I knew the story you kept trying to tell me of a love never known. The beauty and the beast.  How they connected to the soul. I knew how much you believed in it and felt how real it is. You were right, and for that I will always feel your smile with me. Thank you for that. Thank you for helping me be the man I am supposed to be for Lois. She truly helped me believe a man could fly.  She never let’s go of my hand and she never let’s me land for to long to realize I can fly again.

I understand the saying now more than ever, you never know how much something means to you till it’s gone. I realize that it isn’t about it being gone. It’s about how much more you embrace it because it becomes alive inside you.  You never have to let that go. You can embrace that and bring it out just breathing.  That is what you are supposed to do. To honor such a love, why mourn to know that you just have to hold it deeply and allow it to be what can be felt. It is this that allowed me to touch the lives I have. I know it is the love you gave me. I never stop growing it. This world is a big place yet the love you gave me is bigger and I am growing it into the universe where it will always be.

I miss you Mom..