Im Marrying a Cheater!!!

 

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As a Child I dreamed of this Connection, a love no other seemed to believe in, I would daydream about a connection so deep that you could feel physical manifestations of the other person, I dreamed and dreamed and when I spoke of this great love i was shot down,”your living in a fantasy world”. “there is no such thing, its only in dreams”. So thats where I kept it, in my dreams,,,,,, I married for 13 years, it was a “normal” marriage, I divorced dated, and then 2 years of self discovery ended me up in a new city with a brand new start and a fresh outlook on life, and then,,,,,, it all started.

 

I met him, when I saw him, my heart knew something was different, my soul awakened, my eyes were gazing upon the most beautiful man I have ever seen. We spoke and his voice consumed me, his written words were poetry to my ears. The first time my eyes saw him My heart stopped beating for seconds, I could not breathe, Ill nervier forget the fist sight, he was standing/leaning against the back of his car at a place we had agreed to meet at, he wore business attire which He wore so sexy, he was certainly easy on the eyes, I Immediately felt unworthy, I felt this beautiful man could not be here to meet me, but he was and I was falling all over myself. We talked to get to know one another, and time stood still.

 

Time after time he would call the numbers still are etched in my soul when they would show up on the caller Id, my heart raced, my palms would sweat. He had done something to me, we would make plans to meet, always at my place and I would get so excited, I would make sure to be home earlier to shower and prepare myself for THIS meet may be “the one” because every time we met there was ALOT of kissing and making out, and oh my when we kissed it lasted for hours,and well as ironic as it was HE would not “put out”. He never left me unsatisfied, the passion so strong so amazing so deep, however it seems I was on a “mission”.

 

Let me go back for a second and describe a kiss, a kiss I have written about, and he has written about, a kiss so deep, a kiss that awakened that ‘DREAM” I had kept inside of me, I saw inside of his soul, I saw him and I knew he could see me, I knew he he could see “ME”. That scared the shit out of me, why wouldn’t it, I had lived a very messed up life, I had a lot of skeletons in my closet and this fine specimen of a man had the key to the damn door! Let me explain how that feel for those of you who dont know,,,,Its like a serial killer who had a ton of “evidence” in his house and the police were knocking on the door,,,, That kiss made my heart do flips, made my stomach turn in excitement and fear combined. When he left that day I was glad he was gone but never wanted him to leave.

 

The visits became less and less and my “mission” was not complete,,,, and then i began to put together pieces like a puzzle in my mind. He had asked me not to call him as it was a business phone and he got “charged” for calls. He only ever contacted me during the day “business hours”, we only ever met during the day, and his e mails were mostly his writings, writings of sexual nature, fantasies he had in his head, stories of passion and lust and love at first I felt as if he had just copied and pasted them but later I knew they were his writings. I sat in a sinking feeling,,,, he MUST be married.

 

He called for a “visit” and what some would call a “booty call” but i wasn’t getting any “booty”, but THIS was the visit I was going to complete my “mission”, This man who had such a great impact on my soul, I knew was “shady” I know was lying, I had to put my DREAM, back inside of myself, lock it back up and just complete my mission,,,,,, always wondering WHY he would not go all of the way with me? Was i not good enough? Was I not sexy enough? Was I not worthy? Did he have a disease? Did he promise himself he would “play around” but never really go all of the way out of respect for his wife IF he had one? WHY???  What was the problem,,,, I asked him in an e mail, Are you HIV Positive? he laughed and said no im not, I have a clean bill of health,,, so the mission was reinstated,,,, and the visit came and through some really tough persuasion HE gave in to my “persuasion” and mission accomplished. When he was about to leave I looked into his eyes, something was different, something had changed in him, he left and I knew at that moment I would not be hearing back from him. I went on with my life so I thought, there were times I missed him, when the phone rang I would hope, I checked my e mail,, nothing, The only breakdown I had was one fall day,,September 26th 2005,

 

I had confronted him in e mail about his lies,days before, explaining to him what i saw,,, all the signs of a married man,,,,his response was another “fantasy” written out, he avoided my comments and my questions, he was exposed so divert my attention he “thought” he would grab my attention with another writing, I was livid, i was angry, I was hurt and I drove, I drove out to a place very special to me, a Big deck over a lake in a State park, a Deck my Grandpa and my Father had a part in building as a “Community service” project. I went out there often, and although it had been rebuilt a couple of times since then I still feel the craftsmanship my Grandfather put into everything he did. I got there, the wind was chilly, it was almost dark, I listened to the squirrels run around in the leaves, I saw a rabbit, I was a fish jump in the water and I began to cry, I began to scream out loud,,,, WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME? WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFERENT? WHY CANT I STOP FEELING YOU?? WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DID YOU COME INTO MY LIFE? I HAVE HAD ENOUGH HURT I DONT NEED YOURS!!! IF YOU CAN FEEL ME STOP LYING TO ME AND COME TO ME,,, EXPLAIN THIS FEELING I HAVE EXPLAIN WHY I CAN SEE INSIDE OF YOU!!!  COME BACK TO ME SO WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT,,,,,  CAN YOU HEAR ME,,,,, I screamed until my throat hurt and I felt as if my tears would flood the lake, I watched as they hit the water down below and I felt as if I was fighting a losing battle, The Universe had played a very bad trick on me.

 

From that moment on everything with his was a game to me, I just knew he was different, the way he touched me, the way he spoke to me, they way he looked at me, the way we connected.

I had to let it go, I had to put this awakening feeling back inside of me, and I did, and i eventually went on with my life and I was right that was the last time I saw him, The time I was able to “complete mission”.The e mails got fewer and fewer. I did not need all that in my life, I met someone else and got engaged, and then out of nowhere a YEAR later a message,,,,A simple how are you doing message and then come everything flooding inside of me,,,HOWEVER  attached with those feelings were hurt and doubt, and A lot of doubt inside of me,,, wait if I can still have “these” kinds of feelings for someone else how could I marry someone? I was a mess inside and it was really all his fault!! Why did he come back into my life?

 

For months we met and talked and time stood still, but this was different as I was on a path of self destruction, it was me against everyone who had ever hurt me, and I grew into something just as bad as I felt he was, He was trying to stand in his truth, trying I say because he was not but I was getting answers, and I loved being in his presence It awakened me further, and the darkness got deeper as I knew he could see me so I had to find deeper places to hide it. I found out that my suspicions were warranted,he was married, however he had not lived with his wife for years, but had lived with someone else for nearly 9 years, so he had a wife AND a live in girlfriend, funny thing though he was still sleeping with his wife,and was lying to her and telling her he loved her and she had hung on for him all those years, all the while living another life with someone else,, and me well I was only one of MANY, he had on the side of his wife and live in girlfriend,in my eyes at that time he was a gorgeous, sexy, womanizing player! But I loved him, however so did many others, I found out he was sending them all the same “fantasies” all the same deep writings, all the ‘lines” only 1 thing was different,,, He would not be intimate with me in entirety. He was living out fantasy in each and every  woman he was with looking for different pieces of his puzzle, looking for something different in each one, he was looking for “himself”. He was hurting so many, and the big picture was the hurt he was doing to himself,,,

I watched him go through a change so deep, I watched as he confessed everything to me, I let him cry, I loved this man, I realized at this moment I was deep in love with him, but my mind would tell me over and over there was ALOT of women in love with this man! All I could do was be his friend, and go on with my life, so I was his friend and i stayed his friend as I watched him cry and confess and do it again to another woman and again to another one, and I watched as he witnessed me “feeling” his pain, I watched him and loved him as his wounds were deep, and his change was hard, he was lost. I knew I could never be with him really,,,Once a Cheater always a Cheater right??? We would confess our love for one another and we would in turn hurt one another.

 

I knew I could never really “be” with a man like this, I could never trust him, I cold never believe in him, again once a Cheater,,,,I married and it was a lie, I was not in love with him, I loved him, But I was not in love with him, I did it out of hurt,I just wanted to be loved and be the “only” one in someones life, and I knew I would have this from this man, I didn’t want to live a life of non trust, already we were connected though I could not deny that, however he would confess his love for me and the same night I could FEEL him with someone else. The Pain was hard to handle, it was unbearable, So perhaps marrying someone else was a way to throw that pain back at him, In turn I realize I was hurting a lot of people as well, I had become him, he just didn’t know it!

 

My Marriage was a mess, no wonder, I was in love with someone else and we communicated daily, We remained friends, as my marriage fell apart, In a night of hurt and to much alcohol I slept with my husband who I was already estranged from, and we conceived,,, I met with my friend and he is the one who told me i was pregnant he could see it in me. It was true, So I was living a lie with a man who I was about to have a child with, and he was still sleeping with others, still lying to his wife, and his live in girlfriend. At one point he had told me to just “come on” just come and be with him and he would raise my child as his own and we would just be in love,,, I thought about it over and over and after an argument with my husband I left and went to him, when i got to his home before I got to the door, I saw in the window and he was in an embrace with his girlfriend and they kissed, i never knocked i went him to my husband, it was what it was, we loved one another deeply but the hurt was to much, but I TRUSTED my husband and I needed that !

 

My friend and I barely spoke during my pregnancy we e mailed a bit and spoke on messenger a bit, but the communication was no where near as before,, He sent my son a gift in the mail and

we just remained friends,,,and just as fast as communication diminished it picked backup again, only this time it was a bit different he was different and I could see something about to happen, I wasn’t sure what. We met and we were “together” only this time beautiful and it was life changing and I knew he was someone I could never be without even if not physically, we were spiritually connected, we loved one another and it was evident.

 

 

We got closer and closer and I knew he was still lying and seeing others, this player was good, I had dealt with a “couple” of the women he hurt and they told me the same stories, “he said that to me too, yes he told me that too!”  uggg this man was toxic!!  and then,,,His mother was found very ill, and I watched him as he lost his mother, it was a very painful time for him, I just remained his friend, I went to the service, sat in the very back row, I just wanted him to know  I was there for him, I didn’t stick around, I left directly after. I saw him the next week and I saw something in him I had not seen before, It was different ! He cried to me, he broke down and the next few months were hell. i watched him die, I watched him split, I watched him fight and struggle, he was honest with his girlfriend who had since moved out, he actually told her he was deeply in love with me and he was direct.

 

He then went through something really really amazingly painful but so beautiful! He was honest with his wife and he started the process of divorce, my husband had long since moved out and finally just simply asked me “why aren’t you with him?” Did I mention my ex husband is a great man? SO we did it we made a go of it but did I trust him?? HELL NO!  when he stated he was in a meeting I requested a “picture” of this said meeting and he always accommodated and he understood!  What we had not addressed was the skeletons I had in my closet!  at this point he was standing COMPLETELY in his truth,he was COMPLETELY honest with HIMSELF and with me about every aspect of his past and his life.

 

We lived together until MY skeletons began to come out and why would he stay with me after all he had been though why would he stay with me he was honest with me he deserved my honesty and i never gave it to him, we separated and he forgave me and we reconnected and it happened again months later and again he forgave me and we reconnected and again, it happened again and he left me, this time for good, I saw it in him, he tried to connect with someone else as did I, I went through the same pain he went through I had to find myself, I had to fall in love with MYSELF, I had to go not my pain.

 

Now as we are both in our truth from this 9 year Journey,, we have been back out to that deck together numerous times, He proposed to me on that deck, standing in the very same place I was screaming for him at, tears fell from both of our eyes in the same water. I am in love with this amazing man and I get to spend the rest of my life with him, We share EVERYTHING we hide nothing from one another, we share a cell phone, we share emails, we share face books, we are together nearly always and when we are not, those very same butterflies I felt in 2005, i feel today when he calls from the store, when he sends me a message from Face book when im sitting right next to him.

 

I trust this man with everything i have in me, I trust him in every aspect! I trust he will never lie to me, I trust I am and always will be his one and only, I trust everything he Says to me. I believe in him, I believe in the Business we have created out of our story and out of what the universe has asked us to do, I believe in myself, I believe our running and chasing was a lesson and our experiences have already changed lives.

 

I sit in awe of this AMAZINGLY gorgeous man everyday of my life, I watch him walk and I smile I watch him type on the computer and I feel lucky, I watched him sleep just last night and I cried, He really is a genuine person, he’s gorgeous, he’s incredibly sexy, he’s honest, he’s true, he’s loving, he’s romantic, he’s passionate,hes kind, he’s generous, hes giving, he provides for us, he’s a wonderful father, he’s compassionate,and he loves me unconditionally and I love him unconditionally, I love him for what he’s been through, what we have been through, and the universe is now allowing us to teach from it.  The honeymoon stage is never ending, inside of me I still have those “forever” butterflies. The dream inside of me is awake and WE ARE LIVING IT! Relationship Reinvented was born from this connection.

 

The old Quote “Once a cheater always a cheater”  could be true, My cheater, CHEATED CHEATING do you understand that????,By going inside of the root of WHY he was choosing those actions, WHY he was hurting people. He went INSIDE, he in a sense took his own life,HE CHEATED CHEATING! and I have this wonderful man in my life, he is still a cheater, he cheated his pain out of staying alive, he cheated his story out of Defining him, He cheated everyone who knows him out of being able to say, “hes still the same old guy” “believe me he’s still lying and cheating”, anyone who knows him now and knows him then is no longer able to say that because they can see it in him! They can see by his actions and his energy that part of him no longer exists. He has cheated that quote out of being true!!   I was on that deck on September 26th or 2005 screaming for him,,,, and I will be back on that deck September 26th of this year Marrying this Cheater and I am the Luckiest Woman in the World!

I Love You Clark Kent

Love Lois

 

Healing series April 2014: The truth is the TRUTH!

 

Polyamory truth

Healing series… Evolution of truth!
In the dominant side of thinking, we often have a voice that says things to us! This thinking is of course a protective nature or so we see it as being a protective nature that says things are ok, or not ok. When this thinking occurs, we of course can see that the truth can be as messy!  This say’s somewhere inside that a lie is ok.   It could be that you have to hide something about yourself! It could be that you are already rejecting, abandoning, or playing a mental record of something that once was. All of those are lies in a sense.

If you are rejected, do you make it ok to reject yourself? If you said no, then wouldn’t there be no discomfort on what you say rejection is. For you are holding yourself, and don’t need validation of any kind to tell you that you have been dismissed, or removed.

What about Abandonment? If someone has abandoned you, and you are hurt, and are in suffering from something that was long ago, are you trapped in lying? The answer should be yes! Yes as in the present moment you didn’t abandon yourself and now don’t make someone else responsible for it as time makes no difference you can give yourself the love that was missing in all moments and your sense of self is not going to suffer in the present moment.

When you evolve in truth, you evolve within truth. You see the pitfalls that can occur, come from not seeing the path the truth wants you to come to. If you see actions of energy outside you that you say can be repeated, and that it is still happening isn’t this in itself a lie?

In this radio discussion listed from this past monday’s healing series our dear friends Josh (a polyamorous male) with his wife Karen (a monogamous woman) shared how their truth about who they were became revealed and how deep the truth melted them to who they are together.
This was a very powerful understanding of how standing in your truth can give you the greatest love you ever experienced and how it continues to grow!
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/relationship-reinvented/2014/04/21/relationship-reinvented-2014-healing-series

 

Love deeply,

Lois and Clark
aka Sherry and Lee

Do you Trust YOURSELF???

 

 

trustClick on the link below to listen in to our latest radio show, Wrapping up februaries pain/suffering series and Beginning Marches Trust Series,,,,great callers, great show!!

 

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/relationship-reinvented/2014/03/03/relationship-reinvented-2014-healing-series-marchtrust

Before you Attack your Partner Look inside yourself!

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Doesn’t it seem like when you lay down to go to sleep IF you have mind noise that mind noise continues inside of you one way or another into the next day which is supposed to be NEW! Usually I can shut my mind off and count my breaths or listen to my heartbeat whatever way I can usually shut my mind down and fall asleep and journey into someplace the Universe needs me to be. I remember the last “ thought” I had before falling into sleep. “why do I have to breathe in these toxic fumes, I dont smoke, I never have”  and then it began  the journey inside of myself. i have been soulfully conscious of what I put in my body.

 

I say soulfully because I had to soul train my mind because my mind LOVES Cake,  Chocolate Cake, White CAKE well any kind of Cake… CAKE IS DAMN GOOD,,, JUST SAYING.

 

So I had to tell my mind yes mind, your right cake is good,,, but eating the entire cake is not good, you will be permitted to have cake just not the whole damn thing lol. my last Doctors visit was a real pooper, The fact is I am overweight, I feel great because my Soul is Clean, I stand in  my truth at all times, I have nothing hidden, all my dark secrets are out my twin KNOWS who I am, what i stand for he knows all of my truths even the really ugly ones.I realized a long time ago why I carried extra weight, it was for protection, mind noise that no one would want me or try to abuse me as well as physical protection from my secrets, they were buried deep inside of me,,,,All is out now and I simply dont need this protection. Nor do I want IT!

 

This is all just extra I dont need, So I have vowed to get rid of it, and I am, however over the past couple of days I have went over in calories and have not moved as much as I would like so have felt discouraged, and when I get discouraged I like to blame others for my discouragement its just easier that way lol

 

So I noticed everything everyone else was doing wrong, when in reality it was my own self I was disappointed in, I went to bed last night discouraged with ME, I dont enjoy the toxic smoke from cigarettes i am a non smoker however my Twin enjoys it and I love him unconditionally and he’s not a regular smoker he smokes very infrequently, HOWEVER I find that when I dont take as good of care of my self he tends to smoke more,,, sometimes this connection goes so much deeper than the human mind can imagine.

I hurt my body the past two days but not continuing the cycle of “physical healing”. He is Physically ill, I am feeling his pain, he is having some kidney issues and I woke up this morning in pain and I WAS PISSED!  (I suppose it the same type of pissed he feels when he experiences my menstral cramps :).

 

My journey took me inside of me, why I was disappointed in ME, what I had done to get off track, what I could have done different and why I didn’t. There was no blame on anyone else it was ME. I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want that for me, for my kids and for my Twin because I Know he feels it, I want the energy that comes with being healthy, I am on the mission to get it.

 

My mind wanted to blame everyone else for my failures, when in fact I haven’t failed at all, I am still making drastic changes I am still on track when I fall off and consume to many calories thats my fault not anyone else’s. It has nothing and EVERYTHING to do with my twin, does that make sense? It has nothing and everything to do with him. It has everything to do with me, and my mindset and how I see things, It has everything to do with my control of me and how I treat my own body, when I heal so does he, when he heals so do I, When we fall apart physically we have to heal together. When I eat badly he smokes more, when he smokes more I eat badly.

 

To Heal this I have to go inside myself and find out what it is I am doing to not heal. So I wake up from that message filled Journey and I feel refreshed, ready to start a new day, my son woke me up at 8 am, I felt pain in my back, I was happy to take some of my twins pain, I was ready to get up and  begin a brand new healthier day, when I sat with my son and the smoke consumed me.

 

I tried to shut my mind down, I tried to not say anything, I hate smoke I always have, I vowed to never be with a smoker and I never was, I would not even date a smoker, so how ironic is the Universe my twin is a smoker, I love him unconditionally and that means loving him and his habit. I never want to Judge and I dont, I never have looked at him differently because he’s a smoker. I love him and if that means loving him while he smokes I do, and I always will.

I usually dont really notice him smoking because he smokes so rarely however the past couple of days its been more frequent.

So I got up without saying anything and just went back to the bed to lie down and fell back asleep for a while,,, and yet another dream Journey,,,What I do effects him, he has been smoking more frequent because I have been not taking care of myself more frequently. I remember a conversation I had with my mind, he has stated he was going to quit I know 20 times.

 

however I have stated i am going to get get healthy 100 times, to no avail, However this time I took a soul vowel and i am on mission,,,

 

He knows we are Twins and what he does effects me so why would he do that to us?

well I also know we are Twins and he’s feeling me unhealthy why would I overeat?

 

Well If he’s going to sabotage us , so am I

so You will be double unhealthy great plan!

 

 

I know without doubt when I get healthy he will no longer have the urge to smoke, its how twins work. We get healthy together. Today is a new day my mind is shut off, my ego is not allowed to have a say so in this. I will no longer attack my partner for what he is doing! I will no longer blame him for me being unhealthy!

 

When I fall off the wagon this is no ones issue but mine, I will no longer blame anyone else, I will no longer look for anyone else’s faults, I will go inside and find what it is I am doing to cause this behavior, It all begins within me, the destruction or the healing, I choose healing!

Love Lois

Twin Flame! The truth to PAIN in Awakening!

SoulAwakeningThe following is a awakening conversation that was done that we were given permission to share…  It is in this awaking that something greater is spiked to illuminate those that have pain in twins and not seeing the total picture of it’s mirror effect!

 

Friend: Thank you for reading my question on your show – I heard alot of truth in all your answers xo

 

Clark: Awe

Anything else?  And again thank you so much for asking a question…

 

Friend: Some tears as I listened ultimately I know it is my truth I am avoiding – I am trying my hardest to build a relationship with someone who is wonderful but is not my twin & the more I walk this path the more I am moving away from my truth but honestly I don’t feel brave enough to leap, yet every day energetically I feel the pull. I have tried healing sessions with a wonderful healer to try & figure out the source of my pain but as yet I have no true source. It has made me stop doing healing on others bc I feel my purpose here is to assist others to their truth – if I cannot do this for myself first, how can I be of example to another?

 

Clark: You no longer make it a choice to be an example by speaking about what it is that wakes you… You go inside yourself and allow your actions to show them in your self in being!  This is how you guide my dear one… You have this beautiful love inside you that is going to birth you into pain to show you how.. You make this choice in the NOW

 

 

Friend: So I wait, for the pain to surface & rebirth me?

 

Clark: This pain is yours to call to my friend… It is not anyone else’s…. We will stand with you and hold you through it… that is what twins are here to do.. What you find on the other side will be more beautiful than you imagined…  You can see it in the now it is NOW to experience it!

 

 

Friend: I don’t know how to reach that pain love, when I think of it I cry  so ofc it is there but when I try to go into it, it disappears and all I feel is emptiness!

 

Clark: Perfect!  Stop there….What is the emptiness my friend?  Is it peace?  Do you deserve to feel peace?

 

Friend: No it isn’t peace it is nothing, a void, I no longer feel anything. The tears dry up but I feel no love either it is empty, In those moments I have asked to be shown but I get nothing, the void remains

 

Clark: My friend….  Have you ever been to space?  Or how about looked into the sky and saw space, the universe as it were?   When you look out do you see space to be.. or space that is confined to what this nothing is in the sky?

 

Friend: Space to be infinite that’s what I see – I feel beyond what I see!

 

Clark: That is nothing is it not?  This is the space created that is inside you to see the truth about your pain… this nothing is your love and it is vast… As you translate the word used here which is “nothing” where in truth it is “everything” You will not seek the mind in this place you will seek the peace that is there that is unshakable..  why not dive into nothing to experience everything?

 

Friend: I understand, within the void is the peace I search for – when ATM all I see is nothing. How tho do I transpose that into joy in my life?  I believe it comes down to my worth – or lack of self worth. When I know I am not in my truth entirely it makes me feel unworthy of love and praise for the person & healer I am. I feel dishonest…yet my twin returning to his marriage seemingly closed that door of truth for me if that makes sense – I am not angry at him but I feel we have abandoned our truth in doing so!

 

Clark: When you reach this inside the pain you experienced you come out of it holding deeply to the present moment… it is showing you the beauty that it is.. the choices you are inside of this love you have felt in your presence… The power of your presence is this awakening… You may find yourself smiling as though an infant who just came into the world.. and then when the thoughts try to translate it, watch your thoughts as though a mouse would a piece of cheese on a trap… don’t fall out of this.. pay attention to experience the world from the new eyes that nothing is wanting you to experience!   This is how rebirth happens… When you were born into the world you did this without thinking.. and the pain is wanting you to see this now.. You will be able to reprogram your thinking in this way.. It is not seeking a sense of self in thought it is seeking its way into being beyond it!

 

Friend: That is very inspiring to read ️

 

Clark: Self worth is measured by what you give yourself first, not what another can give to you.. It is mind made way of being, which started long before your twin was to cross your path the first time or second time or however it came into being.. This is how it is translated from a former experience of what pain you experienced and now are seeing it clearly… yet it being in front of you as it were.. It is like you lost your car keys for a car you no longer own… So you go with the car you got now and can’t find the keys for it either… this is not a truth.. it is a symptom that your mind has found a way to identity with a mental history of abandonment… that abandonment can be absorbed.  You no longer make this about him or the connection to him for you can’t connect to him or anyone else until you connect to yourself… do you see where this points?

 

Friend: So it is to feel my “I AM” presence beyond what my thoughts stipulate must be my presence – to know I am beyond thinking why I am?

 

Clark: You are infected with thinking… it is not your essence as you go into the pain and find nothing it is undiscovered by you to create the energy you are in truth until you stay there to create the love you are in truth!

You are beautiful… You are love… You are everything… You are nothing… this is a truth your energy is derived from a place of no mind.. why make the mind responsible for the truth of where you are this already!

This is always available to you in the NOW

ever driven someone where and were infected with thinking only to realize you didn’t pay attention to holding the steering wheel… haven’t heard anything on the radio… didn’t see the other drivers driving… didn’t see the position of the sun… didn’t see the dog on the side of road watching you go past… do you see everything?

 

Friend: Yes, When I was training with my mentor his favorite line to me was “get out of your head ” lol infected is true. I am confused a little – in layman terms when I reach that place of emptiness, I should stay there and allow myself to just feel? Is that what u are saying?

 

Clark: What is empty can be filled is this not a fact?

You are not your thoughts… You are more… Do you think that or did you feel that?

 

Friend: The driving analogy happens to me all the time I am always “off with the fairies” so to speak… Hmmm I feel I am more – why does that upset me? I cry when I feel this!

 

Clark: fairies or the voice in the head?  Ever felt your heart beat so strong you had to place your hand on your chest?  Does it happen all the time?

You cry because you don’t embrace this feeling you abandon it by thinking… what purpose has thinking shown you?

 

Friend: I just go somewhere not of here, where connection to everything is more pure – I feel and am oblivious to my surroundings!

 

Clark: Why not connect to all your surroundings…

 

Friend: Bc it doesn’t feel pure It feels earthly and awkward and draining.

 

Clark: What does?

 

Friend: My surroundings When I go off – I’m in a happy place – when I connect to my surroundings that happiness goes away and I feel heavy and drained!

 

Clark: what view do you have in this? what makes you happy?

 

Friend: When I go to my happy place often I feel connected to nature, I am noticing my surroundings but I am only allowing the beauty of it to penetrate me…when I “come back down” as it were it is usually bc someone is trying to talk to me or get my attention and I feel irritated It’s like I walk in two worlds – I know that sounds weird.   Going back to what you said about not embracing the feeling of being more – it’s almost like it terrifies me, the feeling of being more – like I am scared of it – I cannot understand why, I am scared of standing out alone, I am scared of judgement, of failure Please do tell me if you don’t have time to chat, I appreciate everything you have given me to consider so far

 

Clark: I am here, you are still seeking the energy of thinking vs being… what gives you peace what gives you love my friend?

 

Friend: Helping other people, nature, being understood, making a difference!

 

Clark: Do you give this to yourself as well?  The truth is You make a difference my friend… You make a difference in everything!

 

Friend: When (my twin) and I separated, we use to meet up once a month and walk through the bush – just walking together, the birds actually stopped to speak to us (I know that sounds crazy) we just walked as one and every issue, every concern disappeared – all that there was was love, no expectations, no right or wrong – and it was the most peace I have ever experienced I cannot seem to find that peace without him – I know I can, but I don’t know how!

 

Clark: My friend… a cardinal flew up to me when I was driving today…  it went right to a tree turned around and tilted his head to me…  I felt it.. I knew the conversation we had and why we had it… I am on path…  it is -8 degrees here.. the snow is everywhere and it is beautiful…  Why does moments to include this one, not concealed with a stronger message no matter what it is?   It is not weird, it is connected in deeper communication that needs no thought!

 

Friend: Yes exactly that is what we experience – and yes both of us have said that alone if we go to the ocean or walk in nature we can experience something close to it again too – but in my everyday life it eludes me, and honestly – that love, that peace, that joy is what I miss more than us being united.  I crave it

 

Clark: When you find the peace you find the flame that is burning.. then when you are burning brightly it will only spark your twin to do the same.. it doesn’t happen without this very thing…  The blue flame is then called to inside of you to ignite…

when you find that place where you can experience this without him is where you will burn brightly… it isn’t about him it is about what is in you this is the connection in how we connect in ourselves to connect to our twin

 

Friend: I feel the truth in that – I know the peace I search for must be found by myself alone and this is what separates us – the journey of discovery of this. I think that is why I crave it so bc I know it is the answer – I guess I am looking everywhere but within to find it huh

 

Clark: smh… Not alone.. Never Alone …. At one with the universe which is never alone!

no separation just embracing a connection that is deep within you

 

Friend: Did u do this through meditation or just taking more time out for yourself in nature?

 

Clark: I cried in pain my friend… a pain of what my truth was… I stood naked in the truth before everyone.. I didn’t hide even those I hurt that I ran from.. I faced all things ended and faced the place of pain that it caused.. I embraced it all.. with forgiveness of myself first…

 

Friend: You woke one day and just faced it all – spilled your truth like a dam bursts its walls? And just stood there feeling it all?

 

Clark: Yes the freeing truth is always painful and I cried and when I cried so hard one night I fell into a deep serenity of peace… I had lost everyone… To include both the women on this earth that could ever give me and all my lies covering the truth unconditional love…    I faced the annihilation of it!

 

Friend: Ah I see

 

Clark: For 60 days I cried and cried and cried some more… but the more I cried the more everything I had done and the pain I caused showed me to let go… to forgive…  to know what the truth in forgiveness was!

do you know what forgiveness is my friend to yourself?

 

Friend: That is what happened when we separated, I hit that point – and I did come out of it as you said with a rebirth – unimaginable joy even in sorrow – but it has all gone – I have built myself a life of sandcastles again!

 

Clark: Do you know what the truth in forgiveness is to yourself my friend?  Is it the typical forgive but don’t forget! How does that sound anyway?

 

Friend: I don’t even understand what it is to forgive myself.

 

Clark: That’s what’s missing my friend… that is why it keeps coming back!

your history can’t be shown in a life review from your guides without this.. It removes the conditions you have on yourself and what you will transmit to others…

 

Friend: So how do I even begin to comprehend what it means to forgive myself – honestly I can’t even connect to that thought or feeling.

 

Clark: Sure you can….  start with the beginning…. when was the first time you can recall in your mind that you abandoned yourself or were abandoned by someone who loved you deeply… from the very beginning and what did that pain say to you? what did that pain create in you?

 

Friend: Please do excuse me if I disappear, I am at work and if a customer comes in I will need to go, but I wanted to thank you for everything you have gifted me thus far<3  I have been through my memories trying to recall abandonment – and it always brings up a feeling of unworthiness in me like somehow I wasn’t good enough and that is why I felt abandoned

 

Clark: Who made you feel unworthy?

 

Friend: Friends at school

 

Clark: What about your parents?

 

Friend: My sister and our cousin

 

Clark: Was your father emotionally available to you?

Was your mother emotionally available to you?

 

Friend: My parents are very loving, but have always punished us by excluding us i.e. if you do something wrong you are given the silent treatment whilst the other 2 kids get alot of love and attention!

 

Clark: Ok stop there my friend!

You were excluded from things and then given silence in punishment…  What did you tell yourself inside when this would happen?

 

Friend: That I wasn’t good enough!

 

Clark: Did your parents tell you this?

 

Friend: No – it would be blah blah blah lecture on what we did wrong, then silent treatment whilst the other kids got loved up & they would smirk at you, I have a fear of doing things wrong not trusting myself! 

 

Clark: So you told yourself a lie which was… I am not good enough… I am not worthy of love…. I am “insert” what you say here…  Do you see in what it is that you need to forgive to release and heal your pain.. And then embrace the truth in forgiveness… When will you give yourself permission to give yourself the love that you didn’t receive and become your truth!

 

Friend: So I told myself the lie that I wasn’t good enough – and that is what has hurt me all this time?

 

Clark: You had unconditional love from your parents and yet experienced conditions that you placed on yourself… what did this?  Your thinking!

 

Friend: Did u know my name means “worthy of love” it’s like it was the lesson I was born into!

 

Clark: Yes… and it is conditioned to be there when things don’t work out!

 

Friend: HOLLY CRAP!!! That makes a whole lot of sense, lol I am laughing at myself right now loll My thinking perpetuated my pain by thinking things that were untrue, telling myself lies so that if things didn’t work out I had something to blame

 

Clark: My friend… it goes deeper… into that space of nothing… you aren’t opening your eyes because your mind has still skewed you to the truth in seeing this as a means of survival of the same pain you experienced… In this remove your lies… one at a time.. as you feel pain, seek the lie in it… confront your lies.. tell your parents what you would say inside… reclaim your love in truth!  Yes, some seem to say your emotional body is separate than your thinking mind.. Which in truth your thinking is the reason you emotional body becomes effected in what it says as a way of being… this is not the truth!

 

Friend: I could never understand why when I know my parents love me so much, why I felt such pain about my childhood – I even wrote them a letter when I was 9 telling them I didn’t feel loved.  I was not a brat, not in a materialistic sense, but I honestly felt unloved no matter what they did

 

 

Clark:  This is the truth in finding your truth on the rocky path… Breaking the laws of conditions that have held you from yourself to cement any connection when you are truly in this truth.. True love in truth finds true love..  Do you see how that is the truth?

 

Love deeply

Clark

 

 

Parentless Abandon…

simbadadwakeupParentless Abandon…..

As we embrace the truth about abandonment we also realize that the most vital part of our journey happens when we are brought into the world. In this world we vest in our first true place of connection in the relationship we have with our biological parents. Of this we find that we truly never see how we find ways to abandon ourselves. Here is an example… As a child even at an early age we were taught not to touch things.. or use to much energy in this I was the wild child.. Placed on Ritalin. This was a drug that as a description was what I was given…

Methylphenidate is used as part of a treatment program (including psychological, educational, and social measures) to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder – ADHD. It can help increase your ability to pay attention, stay focused on an activity, and control behavior problems. It may also help you to organize your tasks and improve listening skills. This medication is also used to treat a certain sleep disorder (narcolepsy). Methylphenidate is a mild stimulant that is thought to work by changing the amounts of certain natural substances in the brain.

They have since changed this to Adderal… which is the same but maybe less….

It reads as follows…
This medication may cause withdrawal reactions, especially if it has been used regularly for a long time or in high doses. In such cases, withdrawal symptoms (including severe tiredness, sleep problems, mental/mood changes such as depression) may occur if you suddenly stop using this medication. To prevent withdrawal reactions, your doctor may reduce your dose gradually.
Along with its benefits, this medication may rarely cause abnormal drug-seeking behavior (addiction). This risk may be increased if you have abused alcohol or drugs in the past. Take this medication exactly as prescribed to lessen the risk of addiction. Do not increase your dose or use this drug more often or for longer than prescribed. Properly stop this medication when so directed.
When this medication is used for a long time, it may not work as well. Talk with your doctor if this medication stops working well.

Now, I am no doctor, nor would I claim that this is purposeful to myself or any other human being, but I can state the obvious… When we become isolated and told we can’t focus, we become isolated, by being asked to be in control, and be controlled by others. What does this do to your sense of self if you don’t know how to communicate what is happening to the voice in the head that we are told to have… Remember getting in trouble and being told to think about your actions.. Yet, when you did what did to get into trouble, you clearly weren’t thinking at all… The outcome of this is that you now will think about the consequences and somewhere inside you is a seed that will be planted for how you view the outside world, and how you are treated within it.… Now if you would have asked me then, what I was feeling, and why I was constantly out of control! It wouldn’t have made sense, that I was out of control because I was always being controlled. This wasn’t a bad thing but when you are placed in this state of being… Here is what the result would look like. If I would have been asked why I was all over the place, I would have not been able to hear anything I was too busy being a ball of energy… Yet, for breakfast I had 2 bowls of Cap’n Crunch and 3 cups of hawaiian punch.. (yes a child running on pure sugar….) I played with all of my toys, and my brothers toys, and I just wanted to play… Heck I was only 5. Yet if I did something wrong threw a toy at my brother or broke the toy… It was a devastating truth that I was beat or smacked.. Now this will only translate into something that creates a behavior in me and a thought process that enabled the behavior…. Now I see this, as I didn’t feel loved, I felt hurt, Yet, what did I do that was the cause and effect of this? When we hurt, and can’t find our way to express the words that are impacting us, at such a young age.. We have to tell us something inside as a reason why those things happened… We scream, and cry, and then the whole I am running away words come to us to give us much needed protection or understanding… It was a way of defense, or a way of crying out… You see how this was? Just a way to use the mind for something that was already dark in nature with no true understanding of it other than it was taught from my parents parents from their parents.. We are all infected with this.. We become isolated in thinking about our actions and what those actions caused us in return…the beginning of a lie….

At about 8 years old was taken off Ritalin, and was way out of control.. to focus was hard because I was detoxing… and then I just felt lazy all the time.. I didn’t understand why I had no desire to play sports, to do things that were team oriented… at this point I had a lie in me that told me I was always going to disappoint people and I was unworthy of any type of privilege let alone to play with no abandon… Shortly there after my father stopped coming home to visit, but when he did, it was a full on report of all the bad things I did.. And he was the punisher, or the corrections officer of my choices, and of my doing things that were not with the rules….

I remember being stuck in a hallway at a desk facing the wall trying to do a math problem that I didn’t understand and was told I was stupid this was said repeatedly to me… and for hours I sat…. I relived and replayed this moment in my head, most of my life.. The feeling that happened to me in that moment and the thought process that was stricken inside me. I was forever abandoned by myself and my choices… I tried to be smart.. I tried to be logical.. Yet it would seem I would bore easily with simple task, or even complex task… I actually was pretty smart as I learned differently… I could learn by chaotic listening which is not normal by any stretch. Sitting at the table though… what I was saying inside myself was that I was worthless, I was unworthy of love, I was never going to amount to anything, I would never be able to take care of myself. I let everyone down… I was stupid, and the most powerful I wish I was never born… My parents would still be together if I was not those things mostly the last one…

The power of thinking is found in this and what it meant in my being… I no longer trusted my own choices or my actions or anything that my parents stated what they would say to me… I was on the lonely island of rebellion and survival is all it came down to.

I hurt… I was deeply wounded burying my root which was the truth… NO words would work… cause no one was listening, no one could hear me… What does this do to a child who is going to be in effect in this line of thinking for the next 30 years???
It will create lies in a life in reality that self worth was none… love was completely evasive and yet inside this child which was abandoned by the being that was growing was to be ignored. Everything was about the physical, everything was about the dream to protect to project and keep the box inside him hidden… It all was hidden in the box of what I told myself, no one else could feel.. No one else was hearing my thinking… Yet I could see the box in other people.. The place where they are lost, The dot on their heads that kept them from seeing how connected they were and the lies that are they holding onto that they created to keep themselves going. I was broken…SHATTERED inside the broken…

This was about the parentless existence I created it was about the parentless lie that I created to hide yet keep the pain… and to keep the pain alive through suffering. I always felt I was going to endure pain and that pain did find me almost every time. Every glimpse of true love I found.. love showed me true pain… If it wasn’t from something or someone outside me, it was always by something I did to create my own pain… I never realized I had given myself permission to suffer.. This permission was my own abandonment of myself.. When this became my truth the lies of what was my truth had to be gone into deeply to see this clearly…. It was abandonment, not from everyone outside me that tried to get me to see that they were not going to abandon me with love, but because I was already deep inside abandoning myself….

Abandonment is this… A lie that keeps us from our truth that we can’t abandon what we feel! Our mind can trap the emotion to give you the lie you need to abandon what you feel.. When you do this, you have silently given everyone else the energy to do what you have done to yourself! Abandon yourself….

Love Deeply,

Clark

Lois and Clark What am I missing???

fear-of-missing-out

We had a Question posted to us about our 10 month Series, as we wind down our first month.

 

Dear Lois and Clark:

 

I am Following your 10 month series, and have been reading your posts on Abandonment and Listening to the Radio shows, and am really looking forward to next months topic on pain and Junes Topic on Unconditional Love, I have seen the flyer and understand you offer a paid version, so what am I missing just looking from the outside in and following the “public” series.

 

Sincerely

Randal

 

 

Wow, Randall, what a great Question! and one we really have not answered until Now!

During our 10 month Series we are posting in our Public Forums, and Social Networks some of our Series Information! However for our Series Members we offer quite a bit more information and fun!!

 

We have a PRIVATE group our members are a part of and we have Very Enlightening and Active Discussion 24 hours a day!  Our Members also are a part of our Monthly Workshops, where they are given personal projects to do,homework if you will  lol  We gather in the private forum to discuss these projects, often times very eye opening! We play “games” we get to know each other and get personal (only if you like) and sometimes we tend to go over allotted time because there is someone experiencing a “breakthrough” all the while with plenty of support from their fellow members as well as Lois and Clark!

 

We also have 2 live Webinars a month, where we gather and discuss the topics at hand and our personal stories and journeys and struggles.  We guide and have fun and laugh as we teach the tools to break the cycles we find ourselves in! Breakthroughs in webinars are powerful as it is video and we get to see all of our members face to face and they get to see us!!!  Often times we are laughing as a group and crying as a group, its freeing and cleansing and healing!

 

Our members also get 4 personal telephone sessions with us! and wow we have found those incredibly healing!

 

Our members also get a Personal Skype or FaceTime visit with us one on one, Fun and amazingly healing as we go deep inside and get real personal!

 

 

Also Randal at the end of every month as our members complete their series they receive by mail a certificate of Completion from Relationship Reinvented for each month completed! and at the end of the Series they will receive a very special Award of Completion of the Entire Series!

and the Healing is the best part, imagine diving into each one of these topics, going deep within and Healing the cycles within ! It is a Healing Series!!!  I hope this helped! and we are here if you have any more questions!!

 

Lois and Clark (and I forget the Big Bonus,,,, meeting Lois and Clark 🙂  lol)

 

 

Healing series!