Broken Abandonment of you…

boy-crying.jpg?w=652The torture and pain in abandonment…  As we watch abandonment happen in those that are new into the world..  We watch this and don’t give the understanding to let’s say little tommy who is 5 and seeing how a growing female child of 13 is upset and crying,  Little Tommy is wondering why the energy of those around him is off… It is off from the choices we make from pain we never get past as we have been here and endured pain the child has not.  In this case he just wants to speak about what hurts in him from what he is experiencing seeing his sister upset over the comments of the older sister and the dear girl who is with her.  As he tries to be heard we hear only the silence from those infected in thoughts about the drama that ensues.  In that he is wondering how this translates into a space of stay out of this.  Where in truth inside of him he needs to resolve his feelings of seeing those he loves hurt… As he gets older the silence in him will become a rage of not being heard and someone will think him crazy, but the response of what happens when energy goes unheard is something that always causes us to abandon others when we are not looking.  We shelter a pain inside and make others responsible for activating that pain whether it be a cry out to those who can relate and keep us activated in their pain to share with us.

 

The family form of abandonment happens in this world more times than not.. It happens from this same example stated above.  You witness someone who will abandon you, you witness the truth about what that abandon needs  or wants to be in your life then pain is embraced.   As we try and mend the broken moments of what was, we miss the truth about what it means to have those in our life who gave us life who shared our first moments, who grew side by side with us.

 

It could be the ones you shared this similar experience with to gravitate and ignite this pain inside you.  Such as a sibling,  or a parent, who you endured their pain, and made it your own.  We watch and enable this to taint the love we have in our existence here.  It is why we become cold to each other, seem uncaring, and why we enable the frustration of such energy to ignite us when we aren’t fully aware of the tendencies of the pain that it causes in ones existence.

 

Weeping from this place is always a pain you will carry in silence as you continue this existence, not by choice, but by not revisiting the moment this became a truth to you. Never to recollect the choice to see this from the inside view of how you can’t forgive anyone or anything because of this one moment that you can’t forgive by not giving yourself permission to forgive yourself for holding on this whole time or the person that you hold accountable for not hearing you to forgive them for this the whole time.  This in how energy is going to be returned by something that is beyond your control.  You will elect the silence instead of speaking from the place that hurts.

 

You will reach a place where you can’t hold this any longer not because of the moment being gone, but as much as it is that you found barriers in those that will listen to your heart that weeps. You will be unable to speak from the place inside you that weeps because of the silence being in a deep place near your root.  This comes after the person is gone when their death is  all you are left with.  My mother left many of these with me, not by her choice, but by mine.. I was to busy hurting in silence to share this with her… I didn’t know how painful that would be until I had to accept her passing and this was the pain I was left with within myself that needed to be gone into in pain…  This pain is why the tears role down my face NOW… Not because of what I can do, and will do the remainder of my life but because of what it feels to see myself in what little Tommy is experiencing…  The pain of not changing any of it… No matter how it comes to communicate this in truth….  The 5 year old experiences this and still screams and tells everyone to love everyone, we all love each other as family right?  This is still gone unheard by the way this happens.  As you get older this will be why you always seek to understand why anyone does anything especially when they hurt you. Not seeing it is you who is in pain and that you are creating space for this pain to grow.  It is a chord of this life that is struck a million times, and it seems to always seek the 5 year old voice of why, or I want to talk this out.  Yet nothing… Nothing will be able to replace this, just the one voice that sees it all and is awake to see the impact of the noise the child still endures.

 

What is it about the love we carry that creates these limitations when we are in pain? Abandonment….. The noise becomes louder in the mind and when you go unheard something in you looses the sound pointing to silence to change this to make it something more powerful in the love you feel for yourself and those around you.  Why else do those that say I am alone become truly alone when silence is more present?   This is a wake up call as a adult, or parent! You get to make this a choice. A choice to see all the choices that you are in as energy that can make the difference in your sons or daughters life.  The compassionate energy of I am here, I am listening, I am the love that will always love you unconditionally…  What would a child like this be like in this world? Well take this for what it is worth… You are that child and you still are growing in this world…  One can only wonder as the forms of abandonment still have such a strong foot hold in this world we must see it together in order to change the energy of what will evolve in our presence, not our absence!

 

 

If you are going through something in your existence, where your parents hurt you, or you felt abandoned, realize this is only a trait of what was done just as it was to 5 year old Tommy.  It happens without our knowing, and knowing is always aware of itself.  As you come to any conclusion of what this means to create a world of unconditional love, this is a wake up to what is around you…  For what can’t be seen in the dark, can always be brought into the light!

 

 

Love deeply… Love without abandon, and also realize that this comes from what you give to yourself that you will give to others.  The conscious starts with this knowing… Knowing that your love has conditions built to be broken, not by the soul that embeds this, but by the soul that transcends it!

 

All weeps inside you see this and remember the moment this was taught to happen to you… Not by something hidden any longer…

 

Just.Believe!

 

Clark

 

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How come, he can walk away easily?

Dear Clark,

I always wondered why a man can do a female wrong time after time & she will still be by his side. But when a female does ONE THING wrong the man leaves instantly.

father-son11

A mother CAN abandon their child, yet the child who’s father left the mother placed a hole in the child in the shape of a father, and now will duplicate this behavior without knowing how to communicate their emotional hurt in pain and change this cycle, it is why men can do this easily they are taught by this action alone without any level of pain or what caused the pain.  It would seem that when a child has this as a hole within them can point to what the expectation is to include the abandonment of both!

The suffering that this causes is the creation of why we are in a country were 24 million children are without a father.  Unless or until a man is willing to stand in their pain and accept this truth to share this pain as a way to end the suffering this will continue.  This is how they will heal this by accepting their truth and knowing their pain! You can’t fix this cycle without acceptance of the truth inside yourself let alone the pain that it gives you.

A fatherless daughter -This suffering also has it’s fuel, as a woman you will seek out a man who will abandon you easily, as this is what happened with your first experience with a man if you are a fatherless daughter whether daddy was in your life, yet absent emotionally, or all together physically not in your life you will seek this in a man that you will choose.  You will even compromise and even find men who are unavailable because you need to fill this hole inside of you as a father may or may not been in your life but didn’t express the energy you needed because they didn’t lack the communication you needed to heal this.  You had to tell yourself a lie about yourself to try and make sense of why this was missing.  The truth is you hurt, and you suffer in that hurt doing things in acceptance that are not love, but could in turn be an emotional clinging with no understanding why.  You will try and fix this in them, as a means to fix this in yourself.  You will find a man who will hurt you in this way without knowing this is the energy you are calling to, not seeing that you are in pain, and make a choice to stay in this pain.

This is why the attachment is different from a mans viewpoint.. A man will not see the emotional attachment as a woman will base this on how the man is or isn’t emotionally available… If his mother has always done nothing but protect him, and he never was able to speak about what his pain was regardless of his actions.  It isn’t that never did the man not trust his mother, he will seek out this in relationships.. someone who will continue with him to ignore this pain to create the same energy that a man has become accustomed to with his mother.  If she was always attacking him and punishing him without showing him how to heal from what pain causes these actions.  He will seek relationships similar to this as he makes the choice to be in relationships.  He will seek a woman who is ok with him not sharing his pain and accepting him regardless of his actions and lack of knowing how to communicate his heart that is hurt or that is of emotional energy.  This removal of being attached makes it probable that there is a hidden pain that will be found out by the woman.  In most if not all cases if a man is able to walk away and be unforgiving it is because it was done to him by his father or mother.. The ability to walk away from a relationship is taught by experiencing it with no reason.  If a man can do this they were abandoned by their father.  There was no explanation and no looking back.  The male child will now duplicate this behavior. This to the son who’s father leaves or is absent in their life will not know how to be understanding of those actions.

In most cases they will be in the relationship with only one foot out the door no matter the time line of the relationship. The cycle doesn’t end there, they will seek out like energy to include a relationship where the woman has children and the father is absent in the children’s lives.  This will turn into a challenging relationship as the man will take a full role in being as the children are cause of the energy feels the same.  It is the law of energy that is the truth not the thought process as it hasn’t become aware in this way.  How could it?  If this was seen as it was with energy wouldn’t it be up to both male and female to heal this one child at a time, to include the inner child they both have?

Love Deeply

Clark

Make 2014 Your year for Healing!!!

Healing series!

Addiction to Abandonment…

 

giving-back

Dear Clark,

I do things for others from the kindness of my heart, its not that I expect anything in return, I have always been a giving person.
This is most probably from an ego prospective…but I have been poorly recently, and my family have shared their views with me regarding the fact that my twin never seems to support me or see if im ok, they do not understand how someone who loves me is never there….its hard to explain to the people I love about the dynamics of the relationship without them thinking i am justifying or defending him.

 

My mother has told me that I deserve more than this, that Its almost as if I am still single and part of me feels that…I read your blog the other day about ‘not knowing who I am anymore’ and I completely resonated with what you wrote about lois and how she felt, it was as if I had wrote that.. however I cant run from him, I cant end the relationship…I cant hurt him because I would be hurting myself, and I know that there is a purpose for this . It seems once again we are on a separation period…there has been no ego triggers…all he has said is…that he’s angry and he doesn’t know why…I accept this, I never never wish to control him…that isn’t love to me. I dont chase him. Regarding the separation periods…will they ever end? I know I am such a beautiful person,although my ego gives me a battle about this sometimes.  The one person I find it hard to communicate with is my twin…I think he finds it hard too so thats why we end up physically not being together. I know he doesn’t wish to hurt me and I dont want to hurt him either. Can you explain a little more about the addiction to abandonment part please?

 

 

Clark: As an infant my father seldom held me, he seldom even played with me or spoke with me, he stared at me for the most part. Never sharing what he was feeling or what he must have been thinking.  As I grew 6 years later he stopped coming home not saying a word, nothing for my birthday, thanksgiving yet christmas he arrived..  Still very few words about what he was feeling was something I was unable to experience.  As I continued to grow I was able to gravitate to the sadness and the depth of love my mother could feel yet had words that wanted to find a logic in it.  As thinking became my way of existence I wasn’t able to clearly think, just feel.  This gave my mind the permission as it were to abandon myself.  Yes I said this correctly.  As we abandon ourselves and what we feel, we now have found an off button to pain.  A pain that we seek answers to.  When the answers aren’t available, we will abandon ourselves, some will do so in acts of drinking, drugs, and I am sure you can imagine a few others.  This state of being is a way of existing.  You can’t be what you don’t have someone there to see them do it, so you find a path mind driven with a mind result.  This leaves your feeling in a state of uncertainty.

 

I made my father not being in my life about him where in fact, in his existence it was not about me.. It was about him not having a father in his existence to show him how to be a father.  It sounds like a simple fix but it becomes driven in the mind to place a lie inside of the place to become the addiction to repeat the suffering rather than embrace it to not know if it can be healed.  Under this embracing in thinking is that it is going to end you, in a way the mind makes it to painful to endure the truth in needs more statements.  This is when the addiction is created keeping you from the truth.

 

The truth about addiction is that it is covering up your pain.. It wants the root to be protected! Where the root is actually what can heal you if you stop thinking long enough to see what the truth wishes to show you.

 

As an identity to ego, suffering needs this as food.. In this case you are clearly asking for the ego to no longer be in place for him, his ability to give you something he has not experienced in energy is not his doing but rather his ego’s need for survival.  For him to tell you that he doesn’t know what to say or that he says nothing is how he has food for suffering.  You see this suffering as your own.. and in some ways it is, it has a familiar energy to it.  The addiction to pain was created in this condition.  Yes condition is the word, as if the condition wasn’t inside you both, it would not point to be broken to become unconditional.

 

His truth could be that he will leave you because in him within his very first unconditional love experience he was left without this as well.  So doing it to you before you can do it to him is his suffering.  It doesn’t have anything to do with you it was something he was placed here to change in purpose.  Energy is not complicated only how we translate it inside the mind is that it becomes complex or complicated.

 

So as you try and make excuses for him realize it is only adding to his suffering as well as your own.  The root is protected in ego and it in truth has nothing to do with running or chasing it has to do with not standing in your truth!  Pain lives on it darkness it can’t survive in the light.. This is the only cure to addiction and abandonment!

 

 

 

Friend: I am stumped by what you have wrote, my father was very much the same towards me. last night it occurred to me that I was conditioned to believe that I was never going to amount to anything. This belief I have carried around with me, when things have become tough in my life…I would always have this horrible feeling raise up that I was always doing wrong and it would eat me up, to the point where I didn’t want to be here anymore. I would feel like a failure, what do i do with knowing this now? Clark is the healing process about changing our belief system…changing the way we think and seeing that we are in fact so much more than we think we are?

I am tired of this cycle of suffering,  I am drained, if it wasn’t for my children being here I would happily sleep for days on end…I am not fearful of pain, how is it possible to see clearly when all I see is a haze in front of me, when my ego does this…i literally have to let it just be…cry if I must, scream from the inside if needs be… but I know the more I try to be a peace within…the further I am away from it…thats all id really like…peace..nothing more…

I have searched for this root that is embedded in me, so I can heal it..but i dont know where i am looking..or do i heal it by replacing it with the truth of that i am? And how do I go about doing that?

 

The truth my friend… You have been drawn to men who will repeat the energy one way or another of that as your father did.  If you still have him in your life you can heal this by simply telling him what you would think inside and then let it go… This energy was the stream that you are in.. being in it requires you to be humble to accept that what we was and how he was had nothing to do with you at all… It is how forgiveness is calling to you.. as for what to do now..  NOW is the key..  This second.. this moment you are face to face with the now… The now is what keeps the past where it needs to be and the future just in this moment.  This is when you see how beautiful you are without seeing the labels you can place on anything.. How the content of how others act means they are focus on time and the time bound ego to exist is suffering.  You don’t have to suffer.. The end of suffering comes clearly in the now…  Is your heart beating?  Are your lungs filling with air.. are you able to focus on being inside you and loving unconditionally without any looking at what is out there…  This is your truth.  Look into your children’s eyes and then place your hand over their heart… feel their heartbeat and allow them to experience you feeling their heartbeat and ask them to feel yours…  do you see the simplicity of being my friend…

 

How often do you drive somewhere and not pay attention to holding the steering wheel or the other cars coming and going around you?  What about when you walk.. how your legs allow you to move and experience the motion itself.  To much time spent on thinking about this or that is keeping you from the only thing you ever have…  This moment!  In this moment you are the MORE, you are this moment.  No longer seek to find yourself in your mind.. You unlocked something very powerful in this seeing of your first relationship with a man.. That is healing and that is allowing yourself to be!   The repeat behavior of what you have been was based on content that kept you from experiencing the love you can give in this moment not just to others but deeper to yourself… are you sure that the priority of thinking is not placed in the wrong bucket of life?  This existence you have is how magical you are.. You are magic!  You just have to feel it real time.. to realize there is no time, there is only now..  Once you give up time, you embrace all things in this moment…  When was the last time you paid attention to all the energy going on in this moment?  Don’t you see that the balance of doing so, now is now and it has been missed by thinking which causes regret, pain, suffering, etc….

 

 

The ego looks for a backdoor in the now.. it always will win, especially when suffering is all it can do to make you gravitate to it.  What if you surrendered and asked your mind what now?  It will be silent… It doesn’t know the now, it only knows past and future!

 

 

Deep breathing and awakening the kundalini mediation was what I went to… by kelly howell… listening to her with headphones… taught me how to breathe again…  we forget that we are breathing because of the mind made you… isn’t it time for the soul to come forward?  It is always breathing isn’t it time to sync with it?

 

Love Deeply,

Clark

Dog and Butterfly

Clark and Idog-nose lay in bed and listen to music and on the particular play list I had put together is the song “Dog and Butterfly “by Heart.  Its funny because throughout the years the meaning of this song has been a mystery, or better yet one of those songs that basically means something personal and very different to everyone, In General the song written by Ann Wilson was written about her sheepdog, as she looked out the window, the dog was happily and playfully chasing a butterfly, jumping up to try to catch it, and twisting and falling back down to the ground, only to shake it off and try and try again, it reminded her of how life can be, as earthbound creatures we are constantly  reaching for something higher.

The songs lyrics mimmic that for me but on a personal level, I used to have talks with my Dad a lot, When I got older and was able to drive I used to meet him here and there, sometimes at a park, usually smith park and we would sit by the pond, not for long but for long enough, as i got old enough to drink i would sit in the bar with him and talk, he would talk to me about his life and i would talk to him about mine, My dad never knew the details of some of the trial i had growing up, sometimes i felt maybe he did,but he felt helpless.I can remember some of the things my Dad would always say to me, “Im the smartest man in the world, I know everything”  ‘Never drive in the opposite direction of your destination” I finally figured that one out as i got older! and many other things, but one of the most important was when he would always tell me if you go for something you really want and you fail, don’t accept the defeat try and try again and keep trying after that!”

Personally that makes perfect sense about this songs meaning.

“There I was with the old man

Stranded again so off I’d ran

A young world crashing around me

No possibilities of getting what I need

He looked at me and smiled

Said “No, no, no, no, no child.

See the dog and butterfly. Up in the

Air he like to fly.” Dog and butterfly

Below she had to try. She roll back down

To the warm soft ground laughing

She don’t know why, she don’t know why

Dog and butterfly

Those lyrics are personal to me as I sat with my dad, I would often run from my home life, and call him and thats when we would meet and sit by the water, I would tell him how I was feeling and he encouraged me without knowing he was, my Dad was not a very sensitive on the outside, he had a hard shell, i only saw the man cry twice in my entire life, he put on a strong coat of arms around people,  He was basically telling me to continue to get through,to keep jumping.

“Well I stumbled upon your secret place

Safe in the trees you had tears on your face

Wrestling with your desires frozen strangers

Stealing your fires. The message hit my mind

Only words that I could find

See the dog and butterfly

Up in the air he like to fly

Dog and butterfly below she had to try

She roll back down to the warm soft ground

Laughing to the sky, up to the sky

Dog and butterfly

Intresting to me personally, there was a time in my Fathers life he left his family, he lived in an apartment up above the bar  at Bills Open door , the bar he  basically lived at lol.  I went there looking for him, the owners daughter who was a friend of mine she told me my dad had been staying up there for a while, so I went upstairs and talked to him, it was one of the Two times I ever saw him cry, he was confused, unhappiness surrounded him, My Father was an alcoholic and a Gambler and he loved women, although after he married my step mother he was much better, although he was a bit still abusive, he would tell me, my step mom of course would never say anything, She loved that man with all of her heart, She never had a bad word to say about my Dad, through all of the bad situations he had his family in, and there were quite a few, that woman never left his side. If you mentioned a certain woman’s name around her though, she had a glare in her eye, she knew there was something up on occasion, just was not sure, she trusted my dad, but she sure didn’t trust that woman.   I knew my Dad had experienced great love, he would tell me stories of a woman he met in the Philippines and hinted of someone else in another state he simply could not be with, while he was in the service,  He had a vision of what he wanted in life, he had a gift in his soul, however he never let it out.

I remember the man looking at me and with tears in his eyes said “Kid, what should I do”  I told him to go home, and try and if he failed to try again and to try to keep jumping for something higher and higher, 2 days later he went home, and although things did not change much there, they improved some.

We’re getting older the world’s getting colder

For the life of me I don’t know the reason why

Maybe it’s livin’ making us give in

Hearts rolling in taken back on the tide

We’re balanced together ocean upon the sky

I guess i felt at that time the world was a cold place as i got older, I was able to escape the life I had to endure at my home,

Another night in this strange town

Moonlight holding me light as down

Voice of confusion inside of me

No begging to go back where I’m free

Feels like I’m through

I was stuck in a dead in town between Dayton and Cincinnati, nothing to do, no where to escape to. All of my roots were there, my parents both born there all of my family there, I felt stuck, felt like there were walls around that city, it was like the hotel california, you can check out any time you like, but,you can never leave!  lol   My Dad finally left, although his physical body is buried there he’s certainly not there! I finally left, searching for something higher, jumping to try to catch that dream, It is a good thing I did, because i found it, I had the very same shell my dad did, I have the very same gift my dad did, I want the same things my dad wanted, I intend to let it all out, i intend to continue to try to jump higher and higher, To continue to try to catch my dreams, and when I do catch them, I intend to reacher higher ones! I realized this one thing personalizing the lyrics to this song,  My dad was and still is the smartest man in the world!

Then the old man’s words are true

See the dog and butterfly

Up in the air he like to fly

Dog and butterfly, below she had to try

She roll back down to the warm soft

Ground with a little tear in her eye

She had to try, she had to try

Dog and butterfly 

 

Aim Higher!!!

Lois